


I Always Will

by rubberduckz84



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Grief, Maybe Romance, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:13:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26422453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubberduckz84/pseuds/rubberduckz84
Summary: What happens when the person you’re supposed to spend forever with is suddenly gone? Paul Lahote has spent the last year wallowing in a pit of despair of his own making, unsure of if or how he’ll get over the death of Rachel. Just when he’s about to hit rock bottom, someone from his past arrives back in La Push, carrying the same darkness as his own. Can Paul and Briony find a way back to life? And even if they do, what comes next?TW: Death, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts
Kudos: 4





	1. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This isn't a happy story. And it's not a romance. It gets to a happy ending, yes, but a vast majority of the first 2/3 of the story is dark, rough and sad. It deals with loss and grief. When I have that in stories, I tend to handle it in a realistic way, which is that it is an ongoing cycle and people take different paths and use different methods to manage it. I allowed this story - these characters - dictate the pace, so it does move a bit slow story-wise, though it's a bit fast when you look at it time-wise (it's set over about a month or so).
> 
> So fair warning. If this isn't the kind of story you can handle right now or don't like, proceed with caution or not at all. Won't hurt my feelings. ^^ Just wanted to give a good heads up for those who need it.
> 
> Thanks!

Paul wasn't exactly sure why he ended up on the beach, but there he was, breathing heavily as he came to a stop and bent over, trying to catch his breath. It was still the early hours of the morning, the sun just barely peeking over the horizon, so the expanse of sand and surf was empty, the only other sound besides his labored breathing was the waves crashing onto land.

Standing, he turned to face the water and then dropped down to sit, staring out at the Pacific as he dug his shoes into the sand. He found himself here more often than not, especially in the early morning hours when the rest of the pack was still in bed and far away. Unable to sleep in the house he had shared with Rachel, he would take to running through the forest and always ended up here, hoping perhaps he would finally tire himself out enough that he would sleep.

He didn't phase for these runs, wanting to keep his thoughts to himself. Though who was he kidding?, It was a respite for everyone. No one would be subjected to the constant loop of pain and he didn't have to worry about having more voices in his head than he already had.

It had been just over a year since Rachel had died in a car accident. And still, he felt as though he were barely on the cusp of keeping control. Everyone had expected him - Paul Lahote, the violent one - to lash out. To run off in his wolf form for months on end and kill whatever animal came into his path. To constantly start fights. Well, he had at least done that a few times.

What they hadn't expected was for him to completely shut down.

Without Rachel, what point was there to life? To being a shifter? When the Cullens left, taking their drama with them,, La Push and forks had fallen into a long span of relative peace. He hadn't needed to protect the people there from supernatural beings for a long time, so he had devoted his life to making Rachel Black happy. The moment he imprinted on her, everything in his life became centered around her. When she had died, it was as if he had lost all purpose.

"Why did you have to go to Port Angeles," he murmured, his brow furrowed as the guilt wrapped around him like a familiar, old blanket.

It hadn't started out a stormy day and she said she had some things to pick up. He found out later that she had gone to get him a present. But the weather had turned bad and rather than wait it out, Rachel had driven back, only to get into a wreck on the winding highways leading back to La Push.

The memory of finding out, of seeing her, played on a constant loop in his mind - another reason he had taken to not phasing, knowing the others would see it. At least he didn't have to subject Jacob to it - the two being in separate packs for years now. He had taken his sister's death hard as well, permanently moving with the Cullens wherever they were. At least he had Renesmee to get him through his grief. Was actually doing well with the Cold Ones, going to school and such.

There was no one for Paul.

Well, technically he had the pack, but try as they might over the last year, none of them seemed to break through to him. Not even his best friend Jared. And constantly being around them now that everyone had imprinted was even harder. The last thing Paul wanted to be around were happy couples, reminding him of what he had lost.

Maybe he should leave La Push. Go somewhere far away from the rez and the pack and phasing and… everything. Start over. Try to forget the life he had here. He had been thinking it over more and more. It was what Rachel had wanted for years. Leave the pack and go off, the two of them. Live their own life together. They had tried it a bit - moving to Seattle so Paul could go to veterinary school. They had even started planning to stay there or move elsewhere; Rachel could find work just about anywhere with her computer skills. But then the death of Paul's father had brought them back to La Push just a year before he could finish veterinary school and they hadn't bothered leaving after.

It was either move away or his other option.

Staring out at the waves, Paul's thoughts turned to that one - finally putting himself and the rest of the pack out of their misery. He would go off somewhere on his own so no one would have to worry or take care of him afterwards. It could be quiet, or perhaps not. Rachel hadn't had a quiet death, why would he deserve one?

The longer he sat there, the more he fixated on it. He had imprinted and then lost her. There was no one and nothing else left for him. Perhaps it was time to start putting a plan into action.

Sighing heavily, Paul dropped his face into his hands, already feeling the angry tears starting up. Just under his skin, he could feel his wolf growling to be set free. He knew it wasn't good to go so long without phasing, but he just couldn't do it.

Looking back up, Paul began breathing heavily, the anger and guilt flooding through him as the tears started falling down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, even though he knew no one would see him cry here.

It was then that he got a whiff of something different in the air. He paused as he closed his eyes, breathing deeply. It was faint, but somehow familiar. The smell of vanilla and lavender. Though he felt he hadn't smelled it in a very long time. Opening his eyes, he scanned the beach, looking for any other sign of life. There was none. Until his eyes caught sight of something far off in the distance.

It looked like a figure running down the beach towards him, just along the water's edge. Which was odd. As far as Paul was aware, not many people took to running along the beach. Especially not from that direction. The reservation ended not far down that way and he couldn't think of many homes or lodging in that area.

He remained seated, his senses on alert as he continued to watch the figure move closer. After a bit more time, he could make out that it was a woman, her hair pulled up in a bun on her head, the color a striking shade of blonde that was nearly white. There was something familiar about her, even from this distance. Paul kept watching, his curiosity getting the better of him.

The closer she got, the more he could make out. She was wearing a sweatshirt that looked too big to be hers - USC was plastered on the front. A pair of headphones were on her head and she seemed to be somewhere else as she ran, a frown on her face.

There was a stirring of… something… in Paul. It wasn't like when he saw Rachel and imprinted. But he felt as though he knew this woman. Something was drawing him towards her. However, he remained seated, confused and upset by whatever it was.

He had imprinted. And then his imprintee died. Whatever was going on with this mysterious woman was nothing. He would never love anyone else again - be attracted to another woman - Paul was sure about that.

Finally, the woman seemed to notice him sitting there on the beach, watching her. She slowed down, a cautious look coming over her face as she glanced around, likely noticing that they were completely alone. Paul could almost see her thoughts, her face was so expressive - she was going through her options. Turn around and run back the way she came. Keep going forward in the hopes she would find some sort of civilization, even though that would take her right by him. Paul didn't blame her. She was probably some tourist staying in one of the many cabins in the area. Likely didn't even bring a phone or anything to protect herself. And he made for an intimidating sight. Large, bulky, sitting on the sand in nothing but a pair of running shorts and beat up running shoes that had seen better days.

But then she came to a stop, a sort of recognition dawning over her face as she slid her headphones off. Instantly, the cautious look was gone and replaced with one of awe. What the hell was going on?

"P-Paul?" she asked.

He blinked a few times, trying to remember how he might know her. While he had been a bit of a player back in high school, it wasn't as though he had had a lot of that - he had imprinted on Rachel when he was 17. But there was something about her voice that was familiar.

"Yea," he said slowly, remaining seated.

A smile appeared on her face, causing a dimple to appear on her right cheek. Wait. Paul knew that dimple. He knew that smile.

"Holy shit. You got big," she stated bluntly. He just continued to stare at her. "It's Briony. Briony... P-McCall."

It was then that everything fell together in Paul's mind. A small twig of a girl with nearly white blonde hair hiding behind her grandmother as she warily looked at the group of children surrounding them. The same girl sometime later, covered in mud as she gleefully threw a chunk at a grinning Paul. Fast forward a few more years, and they were walking along the beach, complaining about school and homework. She then complained about the boys at Forks Middle School.

Another memory - the two of them sharing a slightly awkward first kiss. Then a better, more proper second kiss.

"Briony?" he asked, pushing himself up as he really studied her.

She had the same green eyes, but there was something different. Before they had always twinkled and held a large amount of light and happiness. Now they were almost dull. Her smile was the same, but somehow not. Older, yes, but it didn't seem to fill her face as it used to.

"I know… weird, right? Though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised I'd run into you," she said, stepping closer to him. "How many years has it been?"

"Too many… over 10 at least," he replied, still not quite believing he was standing here on First Beach, talking to his first crush. Probably his first love, if he were being honest with himself.

But he hadn't thought about her once since he imprinted on Rachel. They had kept in touch a bit after Briony had left when they were 15, but once he found Rachel, well… you know how it goes.

"How have you been?" Briony asked. "And seriously… where did… this come from?" She motioned towards his chest, a faint blush coming over her pale cheeks. "Nearly scared the shit out of me until I realized it was you."

Paul glanced down at the sand, shoving his hands in his pockets, thinking over his words before he looked back up at her.

"Just… grew up, I suppose," he replied, offering a half smile and a shrug. It felt strange, but he didn't want to burden her with his darkness.

"Still getting into fights?" Briony asked.

"Not so much anymore," he replied. "What about you? How have you been?"

He really didn't want to talk about himself. That would involve telling her about Rachel and Paul still couldn't bring himself to talk about her with the pack. There was no way in hell he could talk about her with Briony.

"Oh, you know… okay," Briony said airily, though she wrapped her arms around herself and looked out to the ocean in a way that told Paul she was hiding just as much from him as he was hiding from her.

"So… you back?" he then ventured to ask.

Briony looked back at him and nodded, her smile waning slightly.

"Grams died a couple years ago. Left me the house, but… couldn't really get there until now," she said. "Thought I'd come stay a bit… decide what to do with it. Get it cleaned out and all. Just got there a few days ago…"

"Right, I heard. Sorry," Paul said, feeling a bit dumb.

Of course, he knew that her grandmother had died. And that her grandfather had died a few years before that. He had managed to keep in touch with them, at least, though not much. Not after Rachel. Briony had moved in with them when she was five and stayed until she was 15. He suddenly wished he hadn't been so caught up in, well, everything, that he had thought to spend more time with them. He had liked her grandparents. They had a nice little cabin near the beach a few miles down, just on the edge of the reservation land.

"It's fine… she was ready to go… wanted to be with Papa, I think," Briony said, looking back out at the ocean.

"How's LA been?" Paul then asked, suddenly remembering that's where she had gone to live. With some absentee father who had finally decided he wanted to take care of her.

"Oh, you know… it's LA," Briony said with a half-hearted shrug. There was definitely more to that story, Paul decided.

And for the first time in a year, he found himself wanting to know more. Wanting to talk. Not about himself, of course. But at the same time, it felt like it was some sort of betrayal. Without thinking, he took a step back from her.

"Well… it's good to see you again," he said, already deciding he needed to get away.

"Yea, you too," Briony said. She started to say more, but stopped, looking to the ground. She then looked up at him. "Stop by sometime… if you want, that is… I'm always at the cabin…"

Another flush of pink covered her cheeks as she looked away, fiddling with her headphones.

"Sure," Paul said. He gave her an awkward wave and then turned, starting to jog away.

Only when he was near the treeline did he venture a glance over his shoulder, finding Briony staring out at the ocean. He stopped, turning to watch her. She stood there a few moments more before shaking her head. She then put on her headphones and turned, starting to jog back in the direction she came from. Sighing, Paul turned and started into the forest, his thoughts whirling.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he wasn't constantly thinking about Rachel, which was foreign to him. And only made him feel guiltier. He decided then to push all thoughts of Briony aside.

What did it matter anyway?

* * *

Briony clamored up the stairs to the large deck that wrapped around three sides of the cabin that sat half on the beach and half ensconced in the forest around it. She then fell into a chair and breathed heavily, her heart still racing.

It was mostly because of the fact she had nearly sprinted the few miles back from La Push, not realizing she had gone that far in the first place. After her awkward reunion with Paul Lahote, she wasn't sure what to think.

She hadn't been back here since she was 15, but she wasn't that surprised to find a lot of things the same. Forks had looked the same. The cabin had been the same - full of happy memories from her time living there with her grandparents. She hadn't ventured to La Push yet, unsure if she wanted to run into anyone there. Even though she had had a relatively happy life after she moved away, she always thought about the friends she had made there. She had spent more time in La Push than she had with anyone she had gone to school with in Forks. Had even attempted to stay in touch with them - mostly Paul.

But life, as it usually did, got in the way.

Once she had moved to LA, everything had changed.

Tears pricked behind her eyes as she blinked furiously and rubbed her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She then pushed it up, staring down at the glinting diamond ring. She never took it off.

Sighing heavily, she looked out over the ocean, watching the waves as the tears continued to fall. A maelstrom of memories whirled around in her head. She hadn't realized until that moment that she had missed Paul, even though she thought she had long ago gotten over the guilt of losing touch. But just as quickly as she realized she missed her old friend and first crush, she felt guilt sneak in. Swallowing hard, Briony rubbed her face.

"Get your shit together, Briony," she muttered to herself.

She had come back here to do just that. To try and pull the pieces of her life back together without the glare of paparazzi cameras or the well-meaning, if overbearing, concern of her in-laws. She was grateful that they, at least, had no desire whatsoever to follow her up to Washington, most definitely not the outdoorsy type. They were LA royalty - their idea of "roughing it" was a ski chateau in Europe.

And Briony supposed she had enjoyed that life, though she had always felt as though she didn't belong. Brandon, her husband, had constantly told her that she did belong in their many years together. Bless him, he tried.

"God, what am I going to do without you," she whispered, still staring at the ocean.

Get your shit together, is what…

A small smile graced her face as a short laugh left her lips, clearly recognizing his voice. It was a near-constant fixture in her mind. And that bit was true. In the months since his passing, she had spent most of her time lying in their darkened bedroom, only really leaving to grab something to drink or eat or use the bathroom. The few times she had ventured out with friends or whatever, the next day there would be some sort of picture in the tabloids with some sort of ridiculous rumor. It was enough to send her straight back to bed for another several days.

It was then that her publisher had come over and forced her out of bed and told her that if she didn't do something, she would have her committed or sent to some sort of rehabilitation program even though Briony most definitely wasn't doing drugs or over-drinking. It was then that the idea of coming here - finally cleaning up her grandparents' home - had come to Briony. Well, it wasn't her idea, to be honest. It had originally been Brandon's.

She had felt lost in the months since Brandon's death and thought perhaps coming back home would help her find herself again. Maybe start to move on. At the very least, figure out a direction to move in. It was better than lying in bed day-after-day, staring at the wall as the many memories of Brandon played on a loop through her head. Or going through the photo albums. Or watching the videos.

She had thrown herself into going through her grandparents' things the first few days, not really leaving the cabin - after two years of sitting empty, it definitely needed a lot of work. This morning, after not being able to really sleep - again - she had felt the urge to run on the beach. So Briony had set out, not really thinking about anything but the music pouring through her headphones, though at the back of her mind, she had wondered about her old friends from La Push. About Paul.

And then almost as if she had conjured him, there he was, sitting on the beach. Almost as though he were waiting for her. Though his smile wasn't the same and there was something in his eyes that told her he was carrying some sort of heavy weight. Perhaps the years she had been gone hadn't been kind to him.

Shaking her head, Briony pushed up out of the chair and walked into the house, trying to push her thoughts of Paul away. She could barely take care of herself. The last thing she needed was to start worrying about someone else.

"Right… best get to work," she said to the empty house as she walked to the master bedroom.

She figured a hot shower would get her motivated for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I've been taking a break from fanfiction to focus on my original writing, and then found myself in a depressive funk, unable to write anything for months. I was just starting to get back into some of my original stories (Okay, so I was forcing myself to write even though I had no ideas or motivation), when suddenly, this story came into my mind. It's depressing, I know, but I think it's what I needed to get back to being my creative self. To write again. And well, I always thought if I did another Twilight fic, it would be another addition to the "Reporters Series," so color me surprised when this one came into my head.
> 
> And just a fun note, I end up listening to "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars (and a lot of their songs, actually) while writing this. I'm not sure why - it's about a failed relationship (not death) that you can't get out of your mind - but the mood of the song seemed to fit, as did the chorus - "I don't love you, but I always will" - and hence, the title of this story. A lot of the chapter titles are either titles of their songs, songs by Joy Williams (the woman in the group) or lyrics. But the chorus from "Poison & Wine" comes into play with the story a lot.
> 
> Hope you enjoy - er, well, not sure if that's the right phrase but whatever - and let me know what you think!


	2. You Only Know What I Want You To

Paul shut the cage after checking on a labrador that was starting to come around from the anesthesia, happy with its progress. While becoming a vet had never really been a dream of his, he had to admit it was a bit fitting. Most of the animals that came into the clinic, he had a sort of innate understanding with, and the more he had studied, the more he enjoyed it.

Not to mention, he was grateful for the job as an assistant at the clinic when he got it at 24. The vet that owned the clinic was desperate for help at the time and didn't mind that he hadn't actually completed vet school. The pay wasn't a lot, but it was enough.

It wasn't as though Paul had needed a lot. He had a job, a roof over his head, and Rachel.

His heart seized slightly as his thoughts turned to her, but he wasn't allowed much time to dwell on it.

"Yo, Paul!"

He turned, looking towards the door that led to the front of the clinic, recognizing Jared's voice. Sighing heavily, he walked out, finding his best friend standing there smiling.

"You ready?" Jared asked.

And as much as Paul wanted to say no and send Jared on his way, he knew there would be hell to pay later for it. So instead he nodded and walked back towards the small break room where he kept his things, pausing on the way at the vet's office to let him know he was going on his lunch break.

Once he had returned to the front, the two set off, walking down the street to a nearby diner. While at the time Paul had griped about taking a job in Forks rather than La Push, he was now grateful for it. At least here, eyes full of pity didn't follow him wherever he went.

"So… how's your day?" Jared asked as soon as the server walked away with their orders.

Paul scowled at him and then reached for his water glass.

"The same as it always is," he replied. Jared nodded slowly, leaning on the table.

"No rabid raccoons today?" Jared asked, cracking a smile. Paul rolled his eyes.

"No," he said. "And it was only the one time…"

"Good thing the doc had you get the rabies vaccine," Jared replied with a chuckle.

Paul would have joined him - all in all the event had been pretty funny, especially when they figured out the raccoon wasn't actually rabid - but he had known Jared nearly his whole life, and knew this was just a set up. He'd always start with chatting about mundane or funny things before pushing Paul into territory he didn't want to venture into.

He would need to cut that off and fast.

"Ran into Briony McCall the other day," Paul said casually.

It had the desired effect as Jared's eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Wait, what? Where? How?" he asked.

"La Push Beach. I was out running and she was, too. Apparently she's back to clean out her grandparents' house," Paul said.

Even though he had brought her up as a diversion, he couldn't help the strange feeling settling over him. He had thought of her a lot since that run-in, curious about her story. He still felt there was more that brought her back here than just her grandparents' house. But at the same time, he wasn't sure if that was something he wanted to wade into at the moment. It didn't help that guilt snuck in as well. They had been close and promised to keep in touch after she left. And then he hadn't.

But it was better than talking about Rachel. Or well, better than Paul attempting to get Jared to not talk about Rachel.

"Damn, how long has it been?" Jared asked. "Something like… 12 years?"

"About," Paul said with a sigh, not surprised that Jared would remember her.

It was hard to forget about a pale, white-blonde girl that spent most of her time on the reservation. Especially one like Briony. While she had always been more on the shy side, she had held her own around Paul and the others. Warm. Kind-hearted. Incredibly giving.

It was strange after so many years of not thinking about her that everything started coming back to him.

"Didn't she marry some actor?" Jared then asked, taking Paul slightly aback.

Had she? Surely, he would have heard about that. But then again, he couldn't recall if he actually knew anything about her life now. He had stopped writing when he was 17. What did she do? Was she now some trophy wife? She hadn't seemed that way in their short interaction.

"Dunno," Paul finally said, his brow furrowed.

"Yea, I'm pretty sure I remember Kim saying something about it, now that I think about it," Jared continued. "I mean… she did move to LA. Isn't her dad some sort of director or something?"

Paul allowed himself to go back in his mind, now clearly remembering the day she told him that she was leaving. Christ, how long had it been since he thought about that day? She had been upset, in tears the entire time, shouting that she didn't want to go live with a perfect stranger. Angry that for the first 15 years of her life he had chosen to ignore her. That he had ignored her mother. And now, all of a sudden, he wanted to play dad.

Paul had been upset as well - they had been best friends. On the cusp of dating and then she was gone.

"Producer," Paul said, surprising himself. "Her mom had some sort of affair with him when she lived in LA before…"

Briony had been born in LA, he suddenly recalled, the entire story flooding back into his mind. Her mother had been trying to make it as an actress. She had gotten a small role on something, met Briony's dad. It was a short affair. But when Briony was born, the man had refused to acknowledge that she was his. That had led to her mother making a series of bad decisions which ended up with Briony living with her grandparents at age 5.

It was then that Paul realized he had been silent for a while and Jared was watching him closely, waiting patiently.

"She told me the story just before she left," Paul finally said, shifting in his chair uncomfortably as he realized she might not have shared that with the others.

Thankfully, their food came at that time and he could focus on shoveling it into his mouth rather than talking.

"You guys were really close back then," Jared commented.

"She was close with all of us," Paul shot back, still focusing on his food. "Didn't really keep in touch much after she left, though…"

Jared nodded, finally looking away from Paul, seemingly deep in thought.

"Always wondered what she got up to after she left," Jared commented. Paul glanced at him. "Didn't hear anything until we were older… Then Kim said something about her getting married… I never looked into it..."

Paul stopped eating, now fully looking at his best friend. Part of him didn't want to continue with this conversation, but the other part of him was curious. He remembered how she had looked on the beach. That part of him seemed to take over.

"When did she hear about that?" he asked, taking Jared's bait, if that's what it was. Jared shrugged.

"Few years ago," he said, taking a bite of his food. "She's always reading magazines and shit. Following the celebrity gossip."

Paul barely managed not to roll his eyes. At this rate, it would be better to just go ask Jared's wife Kim. But he didn't want to do that.

"So she married some actor," Paul said. Jared looked over at him and nodded.

"Forgot his name, but Kim and her friends made a bit of a fuss about it at the time. Guess he's famous or something," Jared replied. They ate in silence a bit more before Jared put his fork down and looked at Paul. "Didn't you guys have a thing?"

Paul frowned. That was not where he wanted this conversation to go. At the time, yes, he would have definitely categorized it as "a thing". She had been his first crush. His first kiss. But then Rachel came along, and Briony ceased to exist in his mind. But the look that was entering Jared's eyes had Paul thinking it was about time to end this conversation.

"We were kids. It was before-"

Paul stopped speaking and stared down at his plate, no longer feeling hungry. Of course, everything always came back around to Rachel.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything," Jared said quickly, glancing around at the people in the diner.

Paul knew that look. While Jared would push him in private, he was usually careful in public, still worried that Paul would lash out. Even now, Paul could feel the rumble of his wolf just beneath the surface. His anger. After years of keeping it in control - in large part thanks to Rachel - it wasn't so hard now. At least when he was in front of others. When he was alone, that was another thing.

The two continued eating in awkward silence, though Paul was mostly shoving food in his mouth to do something rather than just sit there. But after some time, Jared stopped eating and looked at Paul.

"Maybe reconnecting isn't such a bad thing," he ventured to say.

Paul looked over at him, his brow furrowed. He chewed slowly and then swallowed.

"Why?" he asked, though he wished he hadn't. Jared shrugged.

"Wouldn't hurt," he replied. "Like you said… we were all close before…"

Paul sighed heavily and shook his head. He then reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He knew where this was going.

"Drop it, Jared," he said, pulling out cash for his lunch and then standing.

"Seriously, Paul… you need to do someth-"

"I don't need to do anything," Paul snapped, barely keeping his anger in check. He closed his eyes a moment and took a deep breath, trying to keep calm. He then opened his eyes and stared down at his best friend. "I'll see you later."

He then turned and strode out of the diner and back towards the vet clinic. It was always the same thing. Jared would try and get him to talk. He'd shut down and run off. Maybe go break something. At first, he had gotten into quite a few fights - that was the main reason he stopped going to bars. After getting arrested the one time, Sam had put down one of his rare Alpha orders for Paul to stay out of trouble with the law. So instead, Paul had started taking his frustration out on inanimate objects around the house. Or the walls.

It had been a year of this.

At least now Paul was putting in the effort to go to work. Eat and such. He did that much.

But everything else… well, all of it really. None of it really mattered anymore.

Rachel was gone and she wouldn't be coming back. Jared could fuck off with all his "You need to talk about this" bullshit, as far as Paul was concerned. He didn't want to talk about it.

And he wouldn't.

* * *

Briony stood in the hardware store in Forks completely overwhelmed. She had come in to get some things for the house but upon stepping foot into the store, she had completely forgotten what it was she had come for. She did that a lot. Always had. Brandon used to tease her about it. Finally got her into the habit of making lists in her phone so she wouldn't forget.

Now that he was gone, it seemed she forgot how to make lists as well.

She took a deep, shuddery breath, closing her eyes as she willed the building anxiety to pass. She could do this. All Briony needed to do was remember what she came in here for. Or perhaps she would just admit defeat and go back to the house. Have a glass of wine or mug of tea and try again tomorrow. It would be just her luck that as soon as she stepped foot back in the house, she would remember what it was she had needed.

"Holy shit… Briony?"

Her eyes flew open as she turned towards the voice, her eyes widening slightly. Even though he was taller and much broader than he had been at 14, Briony would remember that smile anywhere.

"Embry?" she asked, starting to smile slightly.

He grinned and walked over to her, enveloping her in a tight hug. It took her aback slightly, but Briony found herself returning the hug. He seemed unnaturally warm, but she supposed he was just one of those people.

"God, how long has it been?" Embry asked as he stepped back from her. "You look… great." Briony was sure there was a blush painting her cheeks at that moment. "Never would expect to run into you here. In Forks, I mean. Or well, not in a hardware store either, now that I think about it."

"Yea… I'm trying to fix up my grandparents' place," Briony said, smiling faintly. "But… how are you? And what is in the water up at La Push?"

Embry chuckled in response, scratching the back of his neck as he looked away. Still a bit on the shy side, Briony noted.

"You know… just the usual. Fresh air. Being outdoors and all," he replied. "Fixing up your grandparents' place, yea? I haven't been there in forever. Always loved that place."

"Yea, well… honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing," Briony admitted. "I came in here for something… and then forgot…"

A spark entered Embry's eyes.

"You don't have someone doing the work for you, do you?" he asked, stepping closer. Briony shook her head.

"At the moment, I'm mostly trying to clear out stuff. But it's getting old… sure it needs updates. I was planning to get it cleaned up and all before I figured out the rest," she said with a sigh. Embry began to grin.

"You're in luck. I run my own construction business now," he said, puffing his chest out slightly. "I can come take a look if you want. Give you the friend and family discount on whatever work there is."

"Really?" Briony asked, her eyes widening. Embry nodded.

"I'm not doing anything right now if you want me to follow you out," he offered. "I can look it over and let you know what I think."

"Oh, I couldn't. I mean… I'm sure you're busy… and you don't have to give me any discount or anything either," Briony said quickly, blushing furiously.

She had the money, this she knew. Between what Brandon had left her and what she had made on her own - not to mention the trust fund her so-called father had set up for her - she could more than afford it. But at the same time, she felt strange about bringing that up with Embry. If she were truly being honest, she had never felt comfortable with it, starting from the moment her father had brought her to live with him.

"It's really nothing. I'm in between projects at the moment. You'd be helping me out," Embry replied.

Briony studied his easy smile and the eager look in his eyes a moment before she shrugged and offered a smile of her own.

"Okay… let's go…"

* * *

It was obvious that Embry was taken with the house. Every few seconds he would gush over this or that as he walked through and methodically looked over every aspect. Briony found it cheered her immensely. She had always loved her grandparents' house and it warmed her heart to see someone else appreciating it as well. After about an hour, they were now seated on the deck with lemonade as Embry jotted things down in a notebook after rattling off a long list of improvements that he saw.

It was all over Briony's head, but she found his enthusiasm infectious. Some of it was much-needed upgrades, but he then launched into some renovations that had her looking at the place in a new light. She was already thinking about getting rid of most of the old furniture. Redecorating. Turning it into a space of her own that still paid homage to the grandparents that raised her.

"That all sounds amazing, Embry," she said, turning to look at him. He grinned brightly. "I… yea… let's do it."

"Great! I can get some guys together and start on some things tomorrow," he said. "Though I should be able to get a full quote on the project to you in the next few days."

"Are you sure you really have time for this? I figured with ideas like that, you would be booked up," Briony said.

A faint blush came over Embry's face as he smiled shyly.

"Well… truthfully… I was talking a bit of a big game… I'm trying to start my own company," he admitted. "This would be my first big solo project."

Briony stared at him a moment and then chuckled and shook her head.

"It's fine. I really do like your ideas," she said, hoping to put him at ease. "And it would be nice to have an old friend doing all the work if I'm going to have the place full of workers for a few weeks or whatever." Embry grinned and nodded.

"Great," he said, obviously excited. He looked back into the house a moment and then, turning back to Briony, his smile faltered a bit. "Look… I'm sorry we didn't keep in touch."

Briony waved her hand at him.

"Don't. It's fine. I didn't really keep in touch with you guys either," she said, starting to feel a bit guilty.

"I, ah, I heard about your husband… my wife, she was a big fan," he said, looking down at his notebook, shifting awkwardly in his chair. "I'm so sorry."

Briony took a deep breath, willing herself to be calm. She should have known this would come up. Looking down at her ring, she mustered up a smile as she tried to blink back the tears.

"It's… it's okay," she said, finally looking up at him.

Embry was already looking at her, sympathy in his eyes.

"Is that why you came back?" he asked softly. Briony looked back down at her hands.

"Part of it, yea," she said softly, not really wanting to get into this. She forced herself to smile as she looked back up at him. "And well… missed this place."

"I could understand that. Could never make myself leave," Embry said, realizing she didn't want to keep talking about her husband. "We had some fun back in the days."

That brought a genuine smile to Briony's face as she went back to her childhood.

"More like we got in trouble a lot," she replied with a chuckle. Embry nodded and laughed softly.

"Things weren't the same when you left," he said, a sad smile gracing his face.

He looked out at the ocean, his brow furrowed as his mind obviously went somewhere else. Once again, Briony wondered what had happened to all her old friends in the years she had been away. But before she could ask about it, Embry turned back to her, now grinning as he stood.

"I'll get to work on this and come back tomorrow to take care of some things. I'll have a quote for the first bit of it and we can go from there," he said.

Briony stood as well and walked over, hugging him.

"Thanks. And really, don't worry about a budget," she said, finding she wanted to help his burgeoning business more than anything.

She had come here to find a new purpose for her life. She figured helping Embry with his dream was a good start.

"Appreciate it," Embry said, a faint blush coming over his face. "I guess if my first project is for a famous person, that's pretty good."

Briony chuckled, though a bit of pain seized her heart.

"I'm not the famous one," she replied lightly, looking back out at the ocean.

"I've read all your books, you know… You've done good for yourself, Briony. Don't forget that," Embry said earnestly. "And really… they're great. I'm flattered I even made an appearance."

She looked back at him, seeing that the praise was genuine. She looked away, a bit uncomfortable with it. She had always wondered if anyone from back here had read them. Guess at least one person had.

"Thanks," she said.

"And if you want to meet up with the others… we're doing a bonfire tomorrow night… it would be good to have you there," Embry continued.

Briony looked back at him, her eyes wide. Was she ready for something like that?

"I'll… I'll think about it," she said. Embry smiled and nodded. He then waved slightly.

"See you tomorrow," he said before letting himself back in and walking towards the front door. Briony watched him until he made it to the mudroom and then turned away.

Sighing, she sat back down and looked out at the ocean. A weird mixture of pain and hope was churning inside her as she thought about her interaction with Embry. The thought of going to the bonfire and seeing everyone else. Of seeing Paul again.

But she didn't have to make a decision right then. Yes, she would think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so been doing some editing and uploaded a new version of chapter one with some edits. Got up to chapter 5 written and parts of the final 3-ish chapters. But it's all plotted so thought I would go ahead and post this one.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!


	3. Unable to Let Go

Paul found himself sitting in the living room of his house that evening, staring blankly at the TV. A game was on, but he couldn't recall the sport or teams. His conversation with Jared had been playing over and over in his head since he had left the diner, but now he didn't have work to distract him.

Sighing heavily, he stood and walked to the kitchen and pulled out a beer from the fridge. After opening it and taking a long drink, he looked over to his laptop sitting on the coffee table. He used to keep it in the office at the back of the house where Rachel used to work, but for obvious reasons, he kept that door shut tight. He hadn't stepped foot in it for a long time and it remained just as it had since before she died.

But right now, his thoughts were turning to Briony for some reason. He could feel the guilt of not keeping in touch start to sift into his heart. After all the promises they had made each other. He had forgotten all of them and assumed she must be doing well. It wasn't as though Briony had contacted him much in all those years either.

He walked over and sat on the couch, opening the laptop and going to Google. He quickly typed in her name and was surprised to find not a lot there. Just a few links to stories for some literary magazine at the University of Southern California. It seemed she had kept up with writing, for a time at least. Finally got over her fear of letting anyone but him read it.

Right. Of course, she would. He had to remind himself that she had lived an entire life without him and La Push. Obviously a good one if she had married an actor and never came back. A small tinge of jealousy ran through him for a moment. He wondered if her husband had been waiting at the cabin for her or if he was off somewhere else. Paul did hope that it was a good one - if anyone deserved a good life, it was Briony. But then, she hadn't looked all that happy on the beach. Maybe it wasn't good and that's why she was back.

Paul shook his head, not waiting to go down that route.

Instead, he remembered the ragged notebook that she was always carrying around with her and jotting ideas in. They would often go hang out on the beach and she was always writing in something, he now recalled, long buried memories of her finally coming back to him. He made a mental note to go back and read the stories he found on the website.

He then found a link to a Facebook page and clicked on it, finding it was private. But the profile photo was a picture of her and some guy. He figured it must be her husband. The more he studied it, the more he started to recognize him. Hadn't he been in some action flick he liked?

Recalling the name of it, Paul quickly searched it and found the name of the actor - Brandon Peters. Another search of him had his heart sinking. Shit.

_Actor Brandon Peters dead at 27_

_(Los Angeles) After nearly a year-long battle with brain cancer, actor Brandon Peters died on Dec. 7, at the age of 27, surrounded by friends and family… he leaves behind his parents - film director Jude Peters and famed actress Bridget Laurens - as well as his wife…_

Paul sat back on the couch, rubbing his face and unable to read more. He then leaned forward and scrolled down, not reading, but seeing many photos of Briony with him. They looked happy. Every one of them they were either smiling at the camera or at each other. The look was familiar. It was how he had looked at Rachel. He had tons of photos that were much the same, all of them now littering the spare bedroom. In one night of a slightly drunken rage, he had torn all of them down from the walls and their bedroom, putting them in the room thinking it would help him forget she was gone. But it hadn't.

Suddenly, Briony's demeanor on the beach made sense.

She had come back because her husband had died.

Taking a deep breath, Paul started going through more articles - all of them detailing the fact that Brandon had gone through a long, arduous journey with cancer. Christ. It was bad enough having to lose Rachel so suddenly. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Briony to spend a year watching her husband die.

He stopped on one photo that obviously hadn't been taken at an event. It was a candid - they looked like they were sitting on the deck of someone's house, Briony seated on his lap with her arms around his neck, the two of them laughing. The adoration was clear in both of their faces as they looked at each other.

Paul felt the all too familiar anger and pain well up within him as he recalled a photo of him and Rachel. Even though it was locked up in the spare room, he could clearly see it in his mind. They were at Jared and Kim's wedding, dancing. He had just pulled her up from a dip, the both of them smiling at each other.

He dropped his face into his hands as he began shaking, partly from the tears and partly from trying to contain his rage. She shouldn't have died. They were so happy together. They had so much life left to live together.

Paul then shot up from the couch, bellowing in anger and pain as he grabbed the laptop and threw it across the room. He then lifted the coffee table and tossed it as well, hot tears filling his eyes. He looked around the room, wanting to let out his pent-up anger.

Something took over him and for the next 30 minutes, he couldn't quite recall what happened. It wasn't until Jared and Sam rushed in, finding him in the now destroyed kitchen, sitting on the floor against the fridge as tears poured down his cheeks that he finally came to.

"Shit… Paul," Jared said, looking around the room with concern etched on his face.

"Why are you here?" Paul asked hollowly. He turned his eyes to his Alpha.

Sam didn't say anything, just stared at him with a neutral look on his face.

"The neighbors called," Jared said, neither he nor Sam moving closer to him, not sure if he was still dangerous. "Christ, Paul..."

"So? It's my house," Paul replied gruffly, pushing himself up from the floor.

He turned and wiped his face off with his sleeve then gripped the counter.

"I'm fine," he said.

"No, you're not," Sam said, finally speaking. "This has gone on long en-"

"I think I get to decide that," Paul snapped, turning slightly to look at Sam and Jared.

Neither said anything for a few moments.

"Paul… we're just looking out for you. You need help," Jared said gently.

Paul didn't reply, just turned back to face the sink.

"I'm staying out of trouble," he said. "You made sure of that."

"It was for your own good," Sam replied. "Seriously, you need to talk about-"

"Just shut the fuck up!" Paul bellowed, squeezing his eyes shut. "She's dead! My soulmate is dead! Neither of you get to tell me what to do! You still have yours!"

A tense silence entered the room as Paul breathed heavily. He could feel his wolf rearing up to the surface, though he fought to push him back down.

"You haven't phased in months," Jared said. "That can't be good for you…"

Paul began to shake with the exertion of keeping himself in check. The last thing he needed was to phase in the small house and further destroy it. Or worse - maim his best friend or alpha in the process. Or even worse - allow anyone in his pack to see what was in his mind.

"I'm fine. It's under control," he said through gritted teeth.

"Paul-"

"JUST LEAVE!" he shouted, turning to face them.

He clenched his hands into fists, willing himself to stay in control. They both glanced at each other and back at him.

"We'll leave," Sam said finally. "But… please… take care of yourself."

Paul didn't reply. He could see the deep concern now laid bare in Sam's eyes. For some reason, that took all of the fight out of him as he relaxed slightly, falling back against the counter and rubbing his face.

"You should come to the bonfire tomorrow," Sam continued.

Paul looked up at him, a sardonic smile gracing his face.

"Why? So you can have an intervention?" he asked bitterly.

"No, because everyone misses you," Jared said.

Paul looked over at him, a bitter response on the tip of his tongue. But the look on his best friend's face stopped him. Paul looked away, not able to keep looking at him. They were all worried about him. And he knew why.

But he knew they wouldn't stop. Maybe if he went it would get them off his back for a bit. At least long enough that he could go through with his plans. He couldn't very well do anything with all of them breathing down his neck.

"Okay," he said, still not looking at them. "I'll think about it."

"Okay," Jared said. "Call me if you need me."

Paul looked back over, seeing the two of them give him a concerned look before reluctantly leaving. Once alone, he looked around at the destruction left in the wake of his episode. Sighing, he walked out of the kitchen and to the stairs, going up to his bedroom.

While he was sure that sleep was the last thing that would come, he couldn't help but feel weary.

All he wanted to do was fall into bed and never wake up.

But even then, as he buried himself under the comforter and closed his eyes, Rachel filled his mind. Her smile. Her laugh. The way she kissed him. The sun in her hair.

Memory after memory played through his mind. On and on. Even her scent surrounded him.

It would never end. Not until he ended it.

* * *

Briony brought the wine glass to her lips, taking a healthy sip before putting it back down on the table. Even though it was summer, the nights could still get chilly. She pulled the old quilt she had wrapped herself in a bit closer, looking out over the ocean though she couldn't see it clearly in the night.

It had been a long and emotional day. But every day since Brandon had gotten sick had been that way.

The chirp of her phone took her from her thoughts. She looked over, seeing a picture of her best friend from LA displayed. Sighing, she reached over and picked up her phone, answering her.

"Hey, Tanya," she said, not bothering to infuse her usual attempt at enthusiasm.

Tanya would know she was faking anyway.

"How are you?" Tanya replied immediately.

"I'm… well… better, I think," Briony replied, her brow furrowed. "Ran into an old friend. He's a contractor. Going to fix up the house for me."

"That's great, Bri!" Tanya exclaimed. "I knew going back would be good for you."

Briony rolled her eyes. It had been her idea, though Tanya had wholeheartedly supported it. Even volunteered to come with her. But she was set to start a new movie and Briony didn't want her to put her career on hold for her.

But at the same time, Briony couldn't deny that she was feeling better. Or at least, she wasn't spending all her days lying in bed. She was actually getting up and doing something. Had a purpose, even if it was short-term and she didn't know what to do after she was done with fixing up the house.

"It… yea… suppose it has been good," Briony finally said.

"You know Bran would want this for you," Tanya said softly. "He would want you to be happy."

"I know," Briony said, choking up slightly. A strangled laugh then left her lips. "I keep thinking he would have loved it here. I wish I had brought him…"

She stopped speaking as the tears threatened to take over.

"Oh, sweetie," Tanya said. "He knew how much you loved it there. You told him so many times… all the photos…"

Briony nodded and swallowed, part of it in an attempt to swallow her guilt. She should have brought him here. But instead she had always flown her grandparents down to them. And then in the end, when they had died, she hadn't even been able to bring herself to come back, too devastated by the idea of being here without them.

Slightly ironic that this was the place she ran to when Brandon died.

"So tell me what you're planning to do with the place," Tanya said, sensing Briony needed to talk about something else.

Briony then launched into a long explanation of everything she and Embry had gone over that afternoon, even going as far to interject a few old stories from when she grew up here. By the end of it, Tanya was laughing.

"Sounds like you've got quite the project laid out," Tanya said. "I can't wait to see it."

"Yea… it's going to be amazing, I think," Briony admitted. "And yea… it is good to be back here."

"You been writing?" Tanya asked.

Briony frowned as she glanced back in the house, seeing her closed laptop on the coffee table. It had been mostly untouched since she got there.

"No," she said softly. She heard Tanya sigh on the other end.

"You know, that's fine. It's completely understandable. It takes time," she said.

"Sounding a lot like that therapist that Vivian made me see," Briony said, a bitter edge entering her voice. She had gone to the woman once before she left for Washington.

"Hey, don't get pissy with me," Tanya shot back. "You know we're only trying to help you."

Briony took a deep, calming breath, tears starting to enter her eyes.

"Sorry… I know… it's just… frustrating. Writing has always been how I handled and processed things and… I can't. I try, but I can't," Briony admitted.

She knew that she wasn't under any deadline - her publisher Vivian had told her so a million times by now. Briony had just started outlining a new book when Brandon got sick. But then taking care of him had quickly taken over her life. To the point that she had almost forgotten who she was and what to do now that he was gone.

"Honestly, Bri, just… focus on you. It's okay to do that," Tanya said, her voice softer. "Christ, you turned into fucking Mother Teresa the last year."

"Who, may I remind you-"

"Yes, I know. You know what I meant. For a year, it was taking care of Bran. And then… he's gone, sweetie. I know it's hard and it's going to take time, but… you were your own person before all that. Don't forget that. And he wouldn't want you to give up everything just because of him," Tanya said. "You're strong enough to do this."

Briony remained silent, thinking it over. This was true. Even though she and Brandon had been together since they were 16 - an insanely young age by any standard save the Victorian ages - he had always encouraged her to pursue her own dreams. Pushed her to, on a lot of occasions. And she had. She had become a novelist. A fairly good one if her book sales were anything to go by.

But even then, it was just another blow that the one thing she had always had even before Brandon was gone. She couldn't write. Yes, she knew that it would hopefully come back to her, but it was the fear that it wouldn't that had seized her.

For so long she had been Brandon Peters' wife. And she was also B. McHale, the writer. Now she was back once again to being Briony McCall. And she wasn't sure what to do with that.

"I think you should go to that bonfire," Tanya said, interrupting her thoughts.

"What?" Briony asked, temporarily thrown from her musings.

"You went back to reconnect with who you are. To get things together. I think going to the bonfire and seeing all your old friends. It's good. You should definitely do it," Tanya said, resolution in her voice.

"I don't know…"

"Just fucking do it, Bri," Tanya nearly shouted.

Briony found herself laughing, which was surprising. Her usual go-to lately was getting defensive.

"Okay, fine," she said.

"Good. Now I've got to go, but fill me in on everything tomorrow," Tanya said, obviously sounding happy.

"I will. Love you," Briony said.

"Love you too, Bri," Tanya said. She then hung up.

Briony put the phone down and looked up at the moon, breathing in the sea air deeply. God, she really did miss this place. She hated that it had taken her this long - and this reason - to come back. But more and more, she was regretting it less. Or rather, she hadn't been regretting it, just… was realizing more and more that she needed to be here right now.

Getting out of LA made it easier to forget. She was still constantly bombarded with memories and the fact that Brandon was gone, of course. But being here, she could start to feel a bit more hope. That even though her life had been tied up with his for the longest time, perhaps she could find a way to be herself without Brandon. It wasn't going to be easy. Or quick. But she was starting to take steps, which she thought was better than nothing.

Briony finished her glass of wine and then got up and walked in, dropping the glass off in the kitchen sink before continuing upstairs to the bedroom she was using. She settled into bed and drifted off.

As soon as she started dreaming, she found herself in the same place she always was in her dreams.

Sitting next to the hospital bed they had set up in their bedroom, holding Brandon's hand. He appeared asleep, the only indicator that he was still alive was the steady beep of the heart monitor.

_Please… don't leave me, Bran…_

She bent down and kissed his hand, her eyes returning to his face.

_Briony… you've been up all night. I can watch him. Get some sleep…_

Briony looked over at the nurse who had just walked in, a warm smile on her face. She turned back to Brandon and stood, bending down to kiss his cheek.

She then left the room, settling on the couch to catch a nap. She wasn't sure how long she had been out but suddenly someone was shaking her awake.

_Briony!_

Her eyes flew open as she saw the nurse - her name was Laura, she remembered.

_What's wrong?_

Briony immediately flew off the sofa, running through the house.

_Briony! It's too late!_

She didn't stop until she was at Brandon's side, struggling to breath. The heart monitor was off. He still looked asleep. Briony shook her head.

_No… no… I was supposed to be here. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!_

Briony sobbed in her sleep, kicking around her bed. She struggled to breathe as she saw Laura walk up to her side in the dream.

_I'm so sorry, Briony…_

But then suddenly, Briony was no longer in the room. She was running down the beach. She saw Paul sitting there, watching her. Once she knew who it was, she wasn't sure what to do as the onslaught of memories came back.

Throwing mud at each other. Sneaking out to the beach at night.

Their kiss.

Briony gasped as she shot up in bed, her heart hammering in her chest. She bent over, pushing her hair back from her face.

Why the hell was she dreaming about Paul?

Shaking her head, she threw the quilt off and left her room, padding down to the kitchen where she stopped a moment, contemplating if she wanted wine or tea. She finally settled on wine and walked back out to the deck.

Her thoughts went back to the start of the dream. She had promised that she would stay at Brandon's side. And then the moment she left, he was gone. It haunted her nearly every night. The last promise she had made him and she hadn't kept it.

Sitting there wasn't any better than sleeping. Though she wasn't dreaming, all she could see was Brandon. His funeral. Being in the house they bought together alone. Sleeping in their bed, surrounded by his things. Standing in his closet, touching his clothes.

Deep, gut-wrenching sobs tore through her body.

Maybe she wasn't making as much progress as she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waited until I got more of the story done before I posted again, just to make sure I wasn't going back and changing things and such. But I feel like I'm on a good pace. I might actually finish writing the whole thing this weekend... maybe. Anyway, more of Briony and Paul struggling, but I promise... it gets better.
> 
> And huge props to my beta!
> 
> Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!


	4. The Less I Give

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is interested, I do have a playlist for this story. Fair warning, you put it on while reading, you might start ugly crying like I do. And yes, if anyone noticed, most of the chapter titles are lyrics or song titles from The Civil Wars or Joy Williams.
> 
> Glitter - Patrick Droney  
> Front Porch - Joy Williams  
> Someone to Love You (Acoustic) - Joy Williams  
> Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars  
> Breathe Me - Sia

Paul stood off by himself, drinking a beer as the other milled around the fire. They were all laughing and joking around, though he wasn't really paying attention to whatever it was they were saying. There had been more than a few surprised looks when he walked up. Seth Clearwater had shouted out a joke about him rejoining the land of the living that Paul had forced himself to smile tensely at. But now the pack was leaving him alone for the most part.

He could feel their eyes on him, watching. Though no one moved over to him. That was fine. It was better they leave a wide berth than being forced to make small talk.

Well, everyone save one person.

"You should eat," Emily said as she walked up, holding a plate out.

Paul looked down at the food and then up at her. She was smiling warmly, though he could see the concern in her eyes. While it irritated him, Paul didn't dare do or say anything that would upset her, knowing Sam would kick his ass for it. And it was hard to truly be angry with Emily.

"Thanks," he said gruffly, taking the plate and then moving to sit down. She followed, sitting next to him. "You going to watch and make sure I eat?"

"No, just tired of standing at the grill," Emily said lightly as she stretched her legs out. "And running around all day. Wrangling kids is exhausting."

Paul winced slightly, his thoughts once again turning to Rachel. They had talked about having kids. And truthfully, he had been eager to start, though she wanted to wait a few years. And then it had been too late.

"Luke and Jessie miss their uncle," Emily continued, nudging his shoulder. "You should stop by and see them sometime."

"I'll think about it," Paul mumbled.

Emily reached out and patted his shoulder encouragingly. She then looked over, her eyes widening as a smile came over her face.

"Who is that?" she asked.

Paul followed her gazed, looking over as well. His own eyes widened as he saw a nervous Briony walk up to the group, tightly gripping a cloth bag as she took everyone in. What the hell was she doing here?

"Briony! You made it!" Embry shouted as he walked over and hugged her.

"Old friend of ours," Paul replied softly.

He frowned, wondering how those two ran into each other. Emily stood and walked over, no doubt to introduce herself, as Paul continued to watch as the others either greeted Briony or introduced themselves. The older members of the pack remembered her, of course. She then looked over, meeting his eyes as she smiled and nodded. Paul returned the gesture, starting to stand. He then stopped and sat back down, realizing he wasn't sure what to say to her.

"Heard you were back in town," Jared said, getting Briony's attention.

"Yea, fixing up my grandparents' place," Briony replied, a tense smile on her face.

Paul could understand the feeling behind it. That was the smile of someone who was praying that no one brought up their dead spouse. Glancing around the group, he wasn't sure if any of them knew. Jared and Embry shared a look that told him they probably did and wouldn't bring it up in front of everyone. The look of warning that Jared shot his wife Kim told him that he had talked to her beforehand as well. But Paul wouldn't be surprised if Seth ran his mouth. He was good at saying the wrong thing.

"She's hired me to do the work," Embry said, grinning.

"Why would you hire this loser?" Quil called out with a laugh.

"He's got good ideas," Briony shot back, a hint of her old self peeking out. "And well, didn't really want a bunch of strangers trooping in and out of the house."

Jared snorted as Embry frowned at the guys who were laughing loudly.

"Shut up!" he shouted.

Paul put his now empty plate down and leaned on his knees, still watching the group, though his eyes kept finding Briony. She was smiling, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. Her tone was light and she seemed a bit more relaxed the longer she stood there.

He had to admit that she was good. If she was in any sort of pain - which Paul was sure that she was - she was easily hiding it from the others. Paul was sure that only he could really pick up on it. The slight tension in her jaw. The way her eyes would never meet others for too long. The way she continued to play with her wedding ring while shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Sighing, Paul pushed up from the log and walked over to a cooler to get a beer.

"Did you know she was back?" Sam asked, walking up to his side.

Paul furrowed his brow as he straightened up and looked over at Briony and then back at Sam. He wasn't sure why the alpha was asking him. He was sure that Jared had told him. And it wasn't as though Sam was close to her, though he had probably heard about her from the others.

"Ran into her on the beach," he said. Sam nodded, looking over at Briony and then Paul could feel him studying him. "Out with it."

"Nothing," Sam replied. "Just find it interesting that she's back."

Paul looked over at him, his eyebrows raised.

"Why's that?" he asked, taking the bait, though he was certain he knew where this was going.

"You hear about her husband?" Sam asked.

And there it was.

"Yea, I know," Paul said, looking back over at the group. Briony's face was a bright red as she wore a sheepish grin. Likely from some story from their childhood. "Not sure why it's interesting. Unless you're planning some sort of intervention for her as well."

Sam looked over at him, his expression unreadable.

"Doesn't look like she needs one," he said seriously.

"And neither do I," Paul said before walking off. He was half expecting Sam to follow him but was happy when he didn't.

As he sat back down on the log, Paul began to wonder why he was even here. He knew he was trying to get everyone to leave him alone, but even he had to admit that it wasn't worth it if he was going to sit off by himself sulking the entire time. Maybe he would try and make a quick, but quiet exit. Paul wasn't up for socializing and had actively avoided all gatherings up to now.

It was probably more suspicious that he was even here, now that he thought about it.

"Hey."

He looked up, his eyes widening as he saw Briony walking up to him. She then sat next to him on the log.

"Hey," he replied, shifting slightly.

"Any reason you're off on your own?" she asked, smiling slightly.

"Not one for parties," he replied. Briony snorted softly.

"That seems unlike you," she said. "Or, well… the Paul I used to know. Pretty sure we snuck out to parties every weekend even though we were only 15 or so..."

"It's been 12 years. A lot's changed," he said, glancing down at her ring and then looking at the fire, his jaw tense.

He could see the color starting to paint Briony's cheeks out of the corner of his eye and immediately he felt bad. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh and it wasn't her fault she didn't know anything about his life after she had left.

"Suppose that's right," she said softly, wrapping her arms around herself even though it was a warm night and they were seated next to a fire. And well, Paul supposed she could likely feel his body heat as well.

"So, Embry's taking care of the house?" he asked, deciding that was a better route of conversation.

"Yea, he's got some great ideas for it," Briony replied.

"Decide what you're going to do with it after?" Paul then asked, finding it a bit surprising that he cared to know. He told himself he was just making small talk, but at the back of his mind he knew it was more than that.

He really did want to know.

"Not sure," Briony said. "Can't really stand the idea of selling it or renting it out."

"Suppose you can afford to keep it," he commented, though Paul winced.

He hadn't meant to venture anywhere close to her life in LA or her husband. He had just gotten pretty damn close to it. Briony chuckled softly.

"Yea, I suppose I can," she said, shifting uncomfortably on the log. "Though, don't know… may just stay up here, the more I think about it."

Paul looked over at her, noticing she was now staring at the fire, her face pinched slightly. He looked back down and saw the ring again. It was at that moment that Briony looked at him, catching him looking at her wedding ring. Paul immediately looked away, wondering why he hadn't noticed it the morning on the beach. It was pretty big. But then again, she had been married to an actor.

"So… 12 years… you get hitched like everyone else?" she asked, her tone light.

Paul tensed, looking down at his hands as they clenched together into fists. He could feel his anger start to well up a bit but managed to stay calm.

"No," he said curtly. "Didn't work out."

He could feel her looking at him but didn't dare turn. Paul knew that he couldn't handle the pity that was sure to be there. Not from Briony. It was bad enough he got it from everyone else. Something about her pitying him just felt worse.

"Oh… sorry…"

"You didn't know," he said, suddenly pushing up from the log and walking off down the beach.

He needed to get away from this conversation and fast.

* * *

Briony watched as Paul walked off, his shoulders tense. She knew she had touched on some sort of sore spot and immediately regretted it. Perhaps this woman was the reason he seemed to carry an air of melancholy with him.

"Don't take it personally. He's like that with everyone," Embry said.

Briony jumped slightly and looked over, watching as he sat next to her and held out a can of beer. She took it and opened it.

"What happened?" she asked, her brow furrowed in worry. "I mean… he seems completely different…"

Embry looked at the fire as he took a long drink from his own beer.

"His, ah, girlfriend. She died in a car accident a year ago," he said softly.

Briony felt her heart break for her old friend as she looked over and saw Paul sitting on the beach several yards away, staring out at the ocean.

"He hasn't been the same since," Embry continued. "It really broke him…"

"I can understand that," Briony replied with a sigh as she looked back at Embry.

"Suppose you can," Embry said.

"How long were they together?" Briony asked.

Part of her felt bad about going behind Paul's back - she probably should be talking to him about all this. But it was clear that he wasn't the chatty type anymore. God, it was so different. Back when they were kids, they told each other everything. She remembered him going on for days about some girl he had a crush on when they were 13. And then talking about their mothers - Paul's had died when he was really little while Briony's was in jail for a time before she died when she was 7. There had never been any secrets between them, but now she felt like there was a giant wall around Paul.

"About 10 years. They got together when he was 17," Embry said. "You remember Jacob?"

"Yea, I was wondering where he was, actually," Briony said, glancing around the bonfire.

"It was his older sister - Rachel. You remember her?" Embry continued. She turned to him, her eyes wide.

Rachel had been four years older than them and therefore not really part of their group. But she had always been around and Briony remembered thinking she was so cool and pretty. Nice.

"Oh, god," she said, finding it was the only thing she could think to say.

"Yea, we all took it bad, but Paul and Jacob the worst. Jacob ended up moving to Canada with his girlfriend and her family," Embry said. "I still hear from him a lot, though. He's doing good. Going to school and all." Briony looked back over at Paul. "But Paul… well, we're all worried about him. It's been over a year, but he still acts like it was yesterday. We all thought that he'd do what he usually does. Blow up. Get into some fights. And then he'd move on. But…"

"He just shut down," Briony said, her eyes still fixed on Paul. "Yea, I know a thing or two about that."

She looked back at Embry, finding a sad smile on his face.

"But you seem to be doing well, considering," he said softly. Briony shook her head and looked down at the beer in her hands, slowly turning it.

"I'm good at pretending," she replied dryly. "Probably should have become an actress like my father suggested…"

She looked up, seeing the sympathetic look on Embry's face and shifted uncomfortably on the log, suddenly finding herself a bit stifled and warm. Granted, she was sitting next to a fire. And it was summer. But at the same time, she was venturing into a topic she wasn't sure she wanted to get too detailed on. Not with Embry. She didn't want to burden the normally cheerful man with her luggage.

"So… you got married… tell me about that," she said, changing the subject.

"Well… that's a bit of a story..."

* * *

Sometime later, Embry had gone off to get more beer and Briony found herself alone. She looked over, seeing Paul was still sitting on the beach. She wasn't sure why he was still there but for whatever reason, he was. It was then she realized that she had started walking towards him.

Briony stopped, not sure she wanted to intrude. But at the same time, she knew that she wanted to talk to him. Needed to.

So, she took a deep breath and continued on. If he heard her coming up, he didn't react. Not even when she sat on the sand next to him.

"Take it Embry told you," he said, his jaw tight.

"Yea," she replied softly. "I'm sorry… about…"

She then shook her head and laughed softly, causing Paul to look over at her with his eyebrows raised.

"Christ, you would think of all people, I would know what to say in these sorts of situations," she replied, looking out at the ocean. "My… my husband died. About six months ago…"

There was a heavy silence for a bit, but she didn't look at him.

"I heard," Paul finally said softly. "I'm… sorry…"

She ventured a look at him, finding him studying her closely, his expression unreadable. She shrugged and looked back at the water.

"Brain cancer… they gave him six months, but he made it a year. Brandon always was a fighter," she said, finding it easy to talk to Paul. Then again, it always had been.

"I can't even imagine… we seem too young to get something like cancer," Paul replied.

"Well, suppose that's the thing with brain cancer. It doesn't discriminate," Briony said, a bit of a harsh edge to her voice.

"Is that why you really came back?" Paul then asked. She looked at him and nodded.

"Just… needed to get away. From our house… LA… his parents," she said. "Everything…"

"I get that. I've thought about moving several times," Paul admitted. "But… just can't do it, for some reason."

"This is your home," Briony said. "Sure that makes it hard."

"LA is yours," Paul said. She laughed softly and shook her head.

"LA was never my home. I just lived there. Though… I suppose I did feel at home with Brandon," she said.

"How long were you…"

Paul trailed off and looked out at the ocean, his expression making it clear that he thought he was overstepping. Briony reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, finding the same strange heat radiating from his body as Embry's.

"It's okay. I don't mind talking about him," she said softly. "I mean… if you're okay with it."

Paul looked back at her, his expression softening a bit as his jaw relaxed. He gave her a short nod.

"I actually told you about him… before… We met in high school. You remember that hotshot private academy that Dad put me in? Well, I definitely felt out of place. I mean, Grams and Papa weren't poor, but… I wasn't used to the amount of wealth that people like to throw around in LA," she said, unsure Paul remembered. She was sure she had told him this. "Didn't really fit in with anyone, but my first day… I walked into the cafeteria, I'm sure a look of pure terror on my face as I tried to figure out where to sit. And then… he came up and asked if I was in his first period English class. I nodded, stunned that this really hot guy was even talking to me. He invited me to sit with him and his friends and… the rest is history, I suppose."

A look of recognition came over Paul's face.

"Wait… that's who you married?" he said. "I mean… heard he was an actor, but…" Briony shrugged.

"Yea… who would have thought I'd marry the first guy I ended up dating in high school… in LA... Granted, it took a full year before he worked up the courage to ask me out," she said, a fond smile appearing on her face. She laughed, remembering those early days of their relationship. "He told me in college that he had wanted to ask me out all of freshman year but thought there was no way I'd go for him. Meanwhile, I was sure there was no way anyone as popular as him would go for me… Nearly didn't believe him when he did get around to asking me out..."

"That's crazy talk, Briony," Paul said suddenly, causing her to jump slightly as she looked back at him. "You were always smart. Pretty. Kind. There's every reason why any guy would be falling over himself to be with you."

She could feel her cheeks heat up as she looked away, her thoughts turning to that summer just before she moved to LA. While she and Paul had always been a bit inseparable, they were practically joined at the hip then.

"I mean… I do speak from experience and all," he added.

She looked over at him, finding him staring out at the ocean again. He didn't say anything for a bit of time and she didn't push him. It had been a really long time. The closeness they once had was long gone, though she was already starting to feel a bit of its pull again. They sat in silence for a time before Paul took a deep breath.

"Rachel and I… we started dating when I was 17," he said, though Briony could sense that he was being careful with his words. She wasn't exactly sure why.

"That's what Embry said… Rachel Black, eh? Going for older women," Briony joked. Paul glanced at her, and it looked as though he was about to smile but didn't.

"Jacob wasn't too happy at the time," he said. "But he got over it… I suppose… Got easier when he-"

Paul stopped speaking suddenly, which Briony found a bit odd.

"When he what?" she pushed.

"Nothing - he eventually got used to it," Paul said, now frowning as his jaw tensed again. "It's getting late… I've got an early morning tomorrow."

He got up from the beach and started to walk off before stopping. He turned to Briony and held his hand out. She took it, finding it surprisingly soft. And very warm. He helped her up and they started back towards the fire and the others.

"It's been good… talking to you again," Briony said, glancing at him. "I'm sorry we lost touch…"

"Don't worry about it," Paul replied. He then offered her a small half smile.

They reached the bonfire and Paul continued on, not bothering to say good-bye to anyone as Briony watched him. She then looked around the group, finding Jared and Sam watching Paul as well before quietly talking to each other. Sighing, she walked over to a cooler, deciding she'd spend a bit more time catching up before she left.

That is why she came here, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, pretty sure all writing is going to be finished this weekend. Just need to write Chapter 11 and then the last four chapters only need updating, fleshing out and editing. Though posting will depend. My beta has read up to chapter 6, so probably going to hold off a bit until she gets a chance to read chapters 7-10 before I post another, just to make sure I'm on the right track with everything.
> 
> And just a note - I went back and posted a disclaimer at the beginning of the story, but will address it here for those who don't want to go back and read it. This isn't a love story (though part of me had intended to make it into one when I first started writing). It's about two people coming to terms with their grief and finding ways to help each other before figuring out how to help themselves. Yes, these chapters where they are breaking down are hard. But its the sad reality of it and I felt necessary for the story. It's not all going to be doom and gloom - things start turning around in upcoming chapters, though it is gradual. Things like this don't change overnight.
> 
> I know that there are going to be people who don't want to read a story like this or can't, and that's fine. Doesn't hurt my feelings (pretty much expected it, honestly). If it's too much or just not your thing, you don't have to keep reading, though I always appreciate feedback, especially if it can help make the story better.
> 
> I'm mostly writing this because this is how I deal with my own loss. I'm coming up on the anniversaries of the deaths of three very important people in my life. They all died in the same month, though years apart. So, I tend to write stories like this around that time every year. It's how I deal with and help manage my own grief. Sometimes you have to write it down to get it out of your head. I suppose I could have chosen not to post this story, but dunno, just figured I would in case others wanted to read. I enjoy sharing my work with you guys. ^_^
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and following!


	5. Fix You

Paul sighed as he went over the list of supplies in the back room of the clinic one more time. He didn't need to be there. It was his day off and the clinic was closed. Someone else took care of whatever animals had to stay over, but there currently weren't any there. He had woken up that morning with his thoughts and stomach churning, knowing that he didn't want to stay around the house and all the memories there. Paul needed something to do with his hands and to try and distract himself.

More and more, his thoughts started turning back towards his conversation with Briony the night before. It was the most he had spoken to anyone about Rachel in the last year. And surprisingly, despite the fact that it was uncomfortable, the anger hadn't been there. It had been - dare he admit it - therapeutic. But talking to Briony had always been like that.

However, the longer they sat on the beach and the more Briony spoke about her husband with a faint smile on her face, the more Paul started to open up about Rachel, the more the pain returned. To the point where he knew he needed to leave, otherwise he risked phasing on the beach and giving up the whole damn secret.

Shaking his head, Paul continued on with his work, pushing it out of his mind. It didn't matter. It was too late for him. Whatever ease he felt about the conversation was gone as the familiar pain filled him, along with the anger. Not to mention, there was a lot Briony couldn't know. He needed to keep her at arm's length, both for her safety and his.

Paul stopped again, closing his eyes as he breathed deeply, feeling his wolf coming to the surface again. He needed to stay in control. He was in Forks and couldn't risk phasing here. He couldn't risk it anywhere, otherwise everyone would know what was on his mind.

After a few minutes, he felt his wolf retreat and he had stopped shaking. Swallowing, Paul opened his eyes and left the room, going over the possibilities for how he should spend his day. Maybe he'd go sit on the beach.

"Paul, you here?"

Groaning, Paul walked out to the front room, finding Jared there. It was almost as though he was tracking him.

"What do you want?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at his best friend.

"You left pretty quickly last night. Just wanted to check on you," Jared said, the concern clear in his eyes.

"I'm fine," Paul said harshly, starting towards the front door of the clinic.

"It looked like you and Briony were having fun catching up."

Paul stopped and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. It was a mistake to sit and talk to her. Now Jared and the others would start getting ideas. Or maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. If he at least put up the pretense of talking to Briony, they would finally start leaving him alone.

"It was… okay," he admitted, opening his eyes.

"I think it's good for you," Jared continued. Paul could hear him walking closer.

"I can't… Jared, she doesn't know about us," Paul said, putting up another attempt to block Jared's plans. Whatever they were.

"It's not like she needs to know about _that_ ," Jared countered. "I'm sure there's plenty for you two to talk about - reconnect over - without mentioning anything about us."

Paul turned around to face Jared, frowning at him. His best friend was wearing a hopeful expression.

"Right, so you think we'll bond over our dead significant others," he spat, feeling his irritation start to build.

"It's better than you destroying your house every other night," Jared shot back, now frowning as well.

"Have you forgotten? She's not one of us. More than that, it's not like she went out of her way to keep in touch over the years," Paul said. "I don't need to bare my soul to someone. I'm fine."

"We both know that you're-"

"Seriously, stop it, Jared," Paul said, turning to storm out of the clinic.

He was struggling enough as it was to keep himself in check and the last thing he needed was yet another ill-planned intervention on Jared's part. Why wouldn't he just give up already?

"Look, she gets what you're going through. And back in the day, she got you better than any of us. Why is it such a bad idea for you to reach out to her? It certainly looks like she's already trying to meet you halfway," Jared called out, following Paul into the parking lot.

"Because she's not Rachel!" Paul bellowed, turning to glare at Jared. The other man stopped abruptly, knowing that he was toeing the line.

Or maybe he was trying to get Paul to phase intentionally. It had been a good six months or so and it would certainly make it easier for Jared and the others to know what was going on in his head. But Paul remained steadfast. He wouldn't phase even if it was getting harder to keep control.

"Hey… no one ever said she was," Jared said calmly. "I just think it would help…"

"Nothing can help," Paul retorted. "And no one will ever replace Rachel."

"Again, not what I meant-"

"Then what are you doing, Jared?" Paul shouted, even though they both knew the answer.

Help. Jared thought he was helping. It was the only thing he had been trying to do for the last year, but all it seemed to accomplish was pushing Paul farther away.

Jared sighed and shook his head, reaching up to rub his temples. Paul knew if he gave him the chance, he would launch into another of his lectures, and he wasn't about to get caught up in that again. Turning, he started towards his truck, the only other vehicle in the parking lot save Jared's.

"Just give it up already," Paul shouted over his shoulder. "I don't need to talk - especially not to Briony."

He then got in, slammed the door shut and took off before Jared could say or do anything more. The entire drive, Paul continued to fume, beyond irritated that his so-called friends wouldn't get the picture and just leave him alone. It was what he wanted, after all. To wallow in his own self-pity without the pack seeking him out constantly. None of them understood what it was like.

Making good time, Paul finally pulled up into the parking lot at the beach and got out, moving towards a more secluded area where he knew no one would bother him. Getting close to the water's edge, he sat on a rock and stared out at the waves, taking more deep, soothing breaths. While he was calmer, he couldn't help the ache that was his constant companion.

It was his one certainty now. Rachel was gone and nothing and no one would replace the hole that she had left in his chest. Taking another deep breath, Paul slid his eyes closed. All he could see was Rachel.

* * *

" _God, you're such a dumbass, Paul," she called out, glaring playfully at him as the water dripped from her hair and clothing._

" _You started it," he called back to her, grinning. "I was just ending it."_

_Rachel rolled her eyes and huffed slightly as she made her way back to the picnic they had set up on the beach before she had attempted to splash him and he had succeeded in completely dumping her into the surf._

" _This is what I get for being with a younger, immature man," she said, plopping down next to him on the blanket. Paul chuckled as he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close to his chest, breathing in deeply the scent of her shampoo._

" _You mean a hot, young man?" he replied, causing her to laugh._

" _I will give you that," she conceded as she looked up at him. Paul stared into her eyes a moment before leaning down and kissing her. "Okay, definitely on board with that."_

_Paul chuckled as she settled into his arms and they stared out at the ocean._

" _Face it, you like it," Paul replied, the smile clear in his voice._

" _Suppose if I'm going to be stuck with anyone through some supernatural bond that still doesn't make complete sense to me, I could do a lot worse than you," Rachel quipped in response. Paul only chuckled. "I have to admit, while I'm eager to get out of here, I'm going to miss coming out here."_

" _Yea, it is nice," Paul commented._

" _Are you sure you want to leave?" Rachel asked, looking up at him, a hint of concern in her dark eyes. Paul smiled down at her, his heart swelling._

_Paul had never been a very romantic guy. And he certainly wasn't the mushy type now. But since imprinting on Rachel, he couldn't help but think he had never been happier._

" _Wherever you are… that's where I am," he replied. Rachel rolled her eyes slightly. "Seriously. I'm happy to go anywhere as long as it's with you."_

* * *

Paul took another deep breath and opened his eyes, looking out at the ocean. They had been so happy together. Had plans. She had finally convinced him to go back to Seattle. Finish vet school. And then go anywhere.

But that was all gone now.

* * *

Briony pushed herself, starting to struggle to breathe a bit as her muscles began screaming. It seemed running along the beach had quickly become her daily activity, if anything to have something to do to get out of the house. Granted, it wasn't so bad now that Embry was coming by on a near daily basis, working on this or that. She had left him to get started on doing some fixes with the upstairs bathrooms.

Music coursed through her headphones, though Briony wasn't paying too much attention to it as she ran along the coast, her eyes fixed ahead of her. Part of her wondered if perhaps she would run into Paul again. Then she wondered if that was part of the reason she had taken up to running along the beach. In the hopes she would see him, and they would talk again.

Once again, she felt guilty for not keeping touch. There wasn't a lot she could have done for Paul back then, if she was being honest with herself. She had still been in the middle of taking care of Brandon when Rachel died. But she couldn't help but feel like a rotten friend. Surely there was some way she could have reached out to him at the time. Perhaps maybe then he wouldn't be as bad as he was.

Shaking her head, Briony could almost hear Tanya's voice in her head, chiding her for thinking she could save everyone in the world. But still… they had been so close. And then after she moved to LA, they had lost touch. She had gotten wrapped up in Brandon and trying to fit in with her father's family - constantly working to do well in school so that his money wasn't going to waste at the fancy private school. Avoiding arguments with her half-sister that were impossible to avoid. She had spent more time at Brandon's house with his family than she had with her own, now that she thought about it.

He had been her lifeline.

But once upon a time, that had been Paul. And then Briony had abandoned him just as she had abandoned this place. Heat filled her cheeks as the shame rolled through her. Yes, she had been in high school and most people were a bit on the foolish side in high school. But she hadn't always been that way.

Briony slowed down to a jog and then eventually stopped, bending over to catch her breath. Even if she hadn't come back, Washington, La Push, all her friends, they had never been that far from her mind. Hell, she had created an entire book series based on growing up here. She wondered if anyone outside of Embry had read them. If they knew…

* * *

" _So… this is where you grew up?" Brandon asked, looking over at her from the laptop where he was going through the third draft of her first book._

_Briony was pacing nervously around his game room, afraid of what he would say. She didn't often show others her work. The only other person who had ever read any of it outside of class projects was Paul. In a way, she felt as though she were standing naked in front of Brandon letting him read it._

" _Yea," she said, not meeting his eyes._

" _Bri… this is amazing."_

_She stopped and looked over at him, her eyes wide as she met his hazel ones and found he was being sincere. Part of her wondered if he was just saying it. He was in the drama department and had the makings to be a great actor someday like his mother. Even already had a lot of small parts under his belt. He could just be saying this to make her feel better._

" _Why do you look terrified?" Brandon asked with a chuckle._

" _Because… I told you. I don't show anyone my work," Briony said immediately._

_Brandon looked back down at the laptop, the awe apparent in his expression._

" _I'm serious. This is really good… and I can tell how much you loved it there," he said. He scrunched his face up slightly as he leaned closer to the screen. "Who is Patrick? Someone you actually know?"_

_Briony gulped, sure her cheeks were now stained red. She wasn't sure about including all her old friends in there - especially Paul. But it was easier to base characters on people she knew, stories on things she had actually done._

" _Yea," she said softly. "I've told you about him… Paul."_

_Brandon looked up at her, his eyebrows raised._

" _We… we haven't really talked a lot lately," she said, frowning slightly._

_She had emailed him last a few months ago and he hadn't bothered to reply yet. She wasn't sure what to make of it. In the two years since she left, they kept up a relatively active back and forth through email. And then he stopped replying as fast. His letters got shorter… more vague. And then suddenly four months ago they had stopped completely. She wasn't sure what to make of it, though Grams had assured her that it was just a natural part of life. People came and went and perhaps it was time that Paul went. She had then reminded Briony of the great friends she had in LA - namely Brandon. Encouraged her not to be upset by Paul's absence. To focus on school and making the best of what she had._

_Besides, she and Brandon had been dating a year at this point. Perhaps it was time to let go of Paul._

" _You guys seemed pretty close," Brandon said. Briony nodded and looked away._

" _He_ _ **was**_ _the first friend I made when I moved to Washington," she said with a sigh._

_She then felt his large hands taking hers, pulling her to look up at him._

" _I know you miss it… him... but… you've got me, Bri," he said softly. She found herself smiling slightly as her heart fluttered. God, what was it about his smile that had her knees turning to mush? "And really… you've got something here. You should show it to your dad. Or let me show it to mine. They both know publishers."_

_Briony's eyes widened as her mouth dropped open. She could feel her heart start to race in her chest._

" _S-show someone else my work? No. It's not ready," she said quickly, shaking her head. Brandon chuckled and pulled her closer to him._

" _You can't be a famous writer without showing your work," he said rationally. "And trust me, I wouldn't suggest it if it wasn't good."_

" _I… I'll think about it," she said, her voice barely a whisper. Brandon kissed her gently._

" _Don't think about it… just do it, Bri," he said._

_Briony gulped and nodded, a smile starting to come back over her face. Perhaps she could do this. Finally go through with following her dreams. Become a writer. Honestly, a small part of her thought that perhaps she could do just about anything with the way Brandon was smiling down at her._

" _Okay… yea… I'll talk to Dad…"_

* * *

Briony wiped away the tears that had fallen down her cheeks as she looked out at the ocean, taking a deep breath. God, she missed Brandon. Even though she knew that she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself - making her own choices - she had spent so long with Brandon as her biggest cheerleader, that she wasn't sure where to turn.

Not to mention the fact that she couldn't even write anymore.

She shook her head and looked around the empty coastline, her eyes searching for something, though she wasn't sure what.

She then thought back to the bonfire last night. Sitting with Paul. It seemed he was in just as much pain as she was. Briony frowned slightly, remembering how he had walked off without saying good-bye to anyone. What Embry had told her about him. How he had just shut down and cut everyone out.

It killed her, to be honest. To see her once close friend in such a bad way. She knew there was nothing she could have done back when it happened. But perhaps she could do something now.

Briony's eyes widened slightly as the idea came to her. No one had gotten through to Paul in the year since Rachel died, from what she could gather. But no one else understood what he was going through. Not like she did.

She looked back down the coast, her eyes and mind going to where she knew First Beach was. Perhaps there was a reason for all this. A reason she came back. A reason she had run into Paul that morning on the beach. A reason he had allowed her to sit and talk with him last night when he had pushed everyone else away.

Maybe this was her next purpose. Helping Paul. Christ, she didn't have the foggiest idea of what to do or where to start - she could barely get herself together - she couldn't help as the idea settled in her mind. Briony would figure something out, or make it up as she went along, but determination was now coursing through her, drying her tears.

She would be there for Paul. Makeup for all that lost time. And then perhaps she'd figure out a way to fix herself in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I was trying to get more finished (just need to write the last chatper, yay!) before I posted again. And then ended up adopting a new dog unexpectedly this week, which has turned life a bit up side down. But yea, I'm getting there.
> 
> Thanks for reading and following!


	6. Baby Steps

Paul stepped out of the clinic and took a deep breath, readying himself to make the short walk down the street to the diner to pick up his lunch. He was grateful there had been no interventions the last few days. Perhaps Jared was finally getting it and laying off on things. His mind wandered to the stack of letters he had started that were sitting on his coffee table at home. Frowning to himself, he shook his head and started walking.

He could think about that later.

Forks was the same as it always was. The same people walking around, going about their day. He got a few waves and nods, which he returned with a tight smile. No one stopped him to chat, likely a bit intimidated by his height and build even though he had been working at the clinic for three years now and they were long used to him.

The woman running the register at the diner gave him his usual greeting, already knowing what he wanted and telling him she put it in about 10 minutes ago. Paul paid and then sat down to wait. It didn't take long before she was handing him a bag and he was heading down the street again.

"Hey! Paul!"

He stopped and slowly turned, seeing a flushed Briony running up to him, a smile on her face. There was a lurch in his heart, seeing this smile was a bit brighter than the one he had seen last, though her eyes still held a clinging sadness.

"Hey, Briony," he replied, mustering a small smile of his own in return. "What brings you to town?"

"Just getting some things from the hardware store for Embry," she said.

She looked at her feet a moment as an awkwardness settled on them. Paul quickly tried to think of an excuse to get away.

"You working around here?" she then asked, looking back up at him.

"Yea… vet clinic. I'm a tech," he said. Briony nodded and glanced around again, not quite meeting his eyes.

He took a deep breath, about to tell her that he needed to get back to work when she suddenly looked back at him, meeting his eyes and keeping his gaze this time.

"Hey, if you got a bit of time, I could use some help. Embry sent me with quite the list," she said quickly, almost as though she needed to get it out before she backed out.

Paul's eyes widened slightly, not expecting that. He blinked a few times and then nodded, not quite sure just why he was agreeing. He decided it must be curiosity. Despite their talk on the beach, he didn't really know all that much about her time away from Forks and La Push.

"Great," she said, motioning for him to follow her, her smile a bit more genuine. Paul fell into step next to her, glancing at her every so often. "Honestly, I don't even know what half this stuff is… Definitely need the help."

"Sure it's not that bad," he replied. Briony chuckled and glanced at him.

"You highly overestimate my abilities in home repair," she said.

"We used to help your grandfather around the house. Surely it's not much different than that," he said, surprised at how easily conversation was happening now. Briony shrugged.

"Suppose we'll see," she said as they made it to the store.

"Let's see this list," Paul said, turning to her.

Briony pulled her phone out of her bag, quickly navigating through it and then handing it over. Paul's eyes widened slightly as he wondered exactly what Embry was getting up to and why he couldn't have had some of his guys pick this stuff up. He glanced up at Briony, seeing a slight look of terror in her eyes.

Then it happened.

Paul felt his lips twisting up into a smile - a real one, not the fake ones that he usually plastered on when he needed to. It felt strange and foreign, yet completely natural at the same time.

But he couldn't help it. He had seen that look on Briony's face before - usually when she had to give a presentation in class and was sure she was going to fuck it up. She had always hated speaking in front of people. Never wanted to be the center of attention.

Shaking his head slightly, Paul looked back down at the list and sighed.

"I'm sure we can get this taken care of in no time," he said, starting down an aisle.

"Okay, good," Briony said, following him.

She grabbed a cart and the two of them started down the aisles, Paul going between the list and pulling things off shelves and then handing them to Briony. He had worried about keeping up the conversation, but Briony took care of that, rambling on about everything Embry was working on and then planning to do. For someone who was convinced she didn't know anything about home repair, she surely knew how to talk about it. Granted, she also stumbled through a fair amount of it, unsure about the terms, before giving up and explaining what was going on in her own way.

And Paul managed to follow all of it, finding it was like riding a bike. Even though they hadn't spent much time around each other in 12 years, he still could understand the sometimes roundabout way she described things.

"Dear god, you've got that look," Briony said, coming to a stop. Paul's eyes widened slightly wondering what she was talking about. "I've… god… you must be bored…"

"No, it's fine," Paul said, realizing he had barely said anything to her the entire time. "Just… always liked listening to you…"

Wait? Where the hell had that come from? Paul shook his head slightly, a bit dazed by his own confession. Though it was true. He had always enjoyed listening to Briony, whether she was ranting about something, going on about a new story she was working on, or even just explaining her homework.

Her cheeks flushed a light pink as she took the wood glue from his hand and put it in the cart, then continued down the aisle.

"So… we got anything else?" she asked, glancing back at him.

"That's it," Paul said, after checking the list.

They made their way to the register where the clerk rang everything up and then bagged it after Briony had paid, not even glancing at the final price as she handed over a card. She seemed to be in a rush to get everything to the car and Paul wondered if he had accidentally done something to make her uncomfortable.

It was the comment. Had to be. Or his lack of talking. But what did it matter? He wasn't going to be around that much longer to care.

He then helped carry everything out to her SUV and load it up in the back. At the back of his mind, he thought about having to heat up his lunch once he got back to the clinic. Shopping at the hardware store had taken longer than he expected.

Briony shut the back and turned to him, smiling slightly.

"Thanks for helping me out. Seriously. Lifesaver," she said.

"It wasn't much," Paul said, looking down at his feet.

"I was thinking… if you're free… you want to come over for dinner tonight? It's just me at the cabin and I could use the company. It would be good… to hang out… you know…"

Paul looked up, finding Briony fiddling with her purse, her eyes once again on the move, roving around the ground and such as though she were too nervous to see his response.

"I… got some things tonight," Paul said, the excuse he had been searching for earlier finally coming out of his mouth. Briony looked up at him, the disappointment clear in her eyes, though she already had an apologetic smile on her face. "But… next time…"

Why had he said that? Now she was just going to ask again. And hadn't Paul decided that the last thing he needed was to get close to Briony again?

"Okay," she said with a nod. She then waved awkwardly and started towards the driver's side of the car. "See you… next time."

She got in and Paul backed away, watching as she pulled out and drove away. Sighing heavily, he didn't move until she turned down the street and then he started towards the clinic. Normally he felt relieved when he got out of meeting up with someone. But this time something was different.

A small part of him felt disappointed.

Shaking his head yet again, Paul swallowed the feeling, a frown coming over his face. He needed to stay focused. He wasn't going to let Briony get close to him. He couldn't. Outside of the danger, she wasn't Rachel. Could never be.

* * *

_Paul grinned and threw his arm around Rachel's shoulder as they walked down the street the few blocks from the bar to the apartment they shared in Seattle. He was grateful for the break from class that the long weekend afforded him. He planned to spend the entire time at home with Rachel. Well, if she let them. She did have a bit of a more social streak than he did. Hence why they were out tonight._

" _So… what do you want to do this weekend?" Rachel asked, smiling as she looked up at him. He shrugged and looked around the mostly deserted street._

" _Oh… I dunno…" he said casually. Rachel laughed loudly and slapped him in the chest._

" _No. We spent last weekend in," she stated. "My friend Michelle from work is having a party tomorrow night. We're going."_

_Paul chuckled and shook his head. He didn't even bother arguing with her, knowing he would give in quickly anyway. It didn't take much for Rachel to talk him into something. But he felt that's part of what made them work. She pulled him out of his comfort zone. Got him to try new things. Things that he probably wouldn't have thought about otherwise. Like Thai food._

" _Fine," he said. Rachel kissed his cheek._

" _God, you're such a softie," she said._

" _Only for you," he replied, grinning cheekily._

" _Well, well… what do we have here?"_

_The two stopped and looked ahead, seeing two men who looked like they were up to no good standing a few feet away, leering at them. Immediately, Paul was tense, feeling his wolf just under his skin._

" _Paul… Paul," Rachel said, trying to get his attention. But her voice was soft - coming somewhere in the back of his head as he narrowed his eyes at the two men._

_He knew that he could take them if it came to a fight. Didn't help that the intense need to protect Rachel had already kicked him. A soft growl left his lips._

" _Look at this… Romeo wants to protect his fair Juliet," the one closest to them called out, jeering at them._

" _Seriously, Paul. We can just walk away," Rachel said, tightening her grip on his arm._

" _Might want to listen to your lady," the first man said, taking a step towards them. "Though leave your wallets behind while you're at it."_

_Another growl sounded._

" _Paul, you don't have to do this," Rachel said, her voice urgent. The two men only laughed louder. "Seriously, guys. Just back off. We'll give you what you want."_

_Paul already pushed Rachel behind him as he clenched his fists, just aching for a fight. He dared the man closest to them to make a move with his eyes as a smirk filled his face. It had been such a long time since he had a good fight._

" _Paul… please…"_

_The first man started towards him and that's all he needed, launching forward. His fist connected with the man's face, knocking him out cold. He then turned to the other, grinning madly as he started towards him. The man looked stricken as he glanced at his friend and then back up at the hulking Paul. He started backing up before he turned and ran off._

_Just as Paul was about to go after him, he felt a small hand grab his arm, pulling him back. He growled and looked over, now seeing Rachel's worried face. Immediately, the fight started to leave him._

" _Breathe, baby," she said softly, bringing her hand up to his cheek. "Just calm down…"_

_Paul closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, calm starting to radiate through him, starting with where her hand was pressed against his cheek._

" _It's okay. I'm safe. We're safe," Rachel said._

_Paul opened his eyes and looked down at her, meeting her eyes. She started to smile._

" _There we are," she said._

_Paul pulled her close to his chest, glancing down at the man lying unconscious on the ground. Christ, he had almost lost it there for a sec, his wolf raring to come out. But like she always had, Rachel had calmed him down. He closed his eyes again and took a few deep breaths._

" _God, I'm sorry, Rach," he breathed._

" _It's fine. I mean… we didn't get mugged, so that's good," she replied. "But I think we should go."_

_He opened his eyes and looked down at the man and then at Rachel, nodding._

" _Yea… we should...:"_

_Rachel pressed a quick kiss to his lips._

" _We're okay, Paul… it's okay…"_

* * *

The next morning after her run, Briony sat on the back deck with a mug of coffee, thinking back over her interaction with Paul the day before. It had taken her this long to process the encounter, she found. And it wouldn't get out of her head.

She swore he almost smiled - a real one, this time. But then he had pulled his guard back up and kept it up the rest of the time, save for that one second when he confessed he liked listening to her talk. It had conjured up more than a few memories from when they were younger. Her grandmother used to say that Briony couldn't shut up to save her life, and it was true to a point. She always tended to ramble when she was nervous. Or when she got excited. Or upset.

Okay, so her grandmother was very right about the fact Briony couldn't shut up.

Though she had gotten better at it over the years. Having to give interviews taught her to stop and think about what she said before she opened her mouth real quick.

"Morning, Briony!"

She looked over, seeing Embry walking through the living room to the open deck door, a bright smile on his face.

"You're here early," Briony replied.

"Just excited to get to work," he confessed.

Briony chuckled at his enthusiasm and then stopped, the idea popping into her head. She had been so nervous that she hadn't let Paul get a word in yesterday. Which kind of defeated the purpose of helping him. But perhaps she could get some information out of Embry. Something that could help.

"Still got a lot of coffee in there if you want a cup before you start," she offered, knowing that Embry would take it.

Even if he was ready to get to work, he had professed his love for her favorite brand of coffee that she brought with her from LA the first time he came over to work.

Sure enough, Embry smiled and lumbered off to the kitchen, then returned with his own mug, sitting down in the other chair across from her.

"I'll be sure to have Tanya send me an extra tin," Briony replied with a small smile as Embry chuckled. She then shifted in her chair, trying to decide on the best way to start this.

To do an interrogation without making it seem like an interrogation. Shit, hadn't Brandon done something like this for a role? She remembered him explaining it to her once. And while she had been paying attention, it seemed as though it slipped her mind just when she needed it. No matter, she could try and put some of the other acting skills he had taught her to good use.

"So… how bad has Paul been?" she asked.

Well, Christ. Way to barrel into it, she mentally chided herself.

Embry's eyebrows shot up, though there was a look in his eyes that told her he had been expecting her to ask about Paul at some point or another. He sighed and looked down at his mug.

"Bad. He refuses to talk to anyone. Actively avoids being around us, if I'm being honest. Which is… weird. He was always in the thick of it," he admitted.

"I remember that all too well," Briony said.

"And well, Jared and Sam sometimes go over to check on him and find more holes in the wall or… another room destroyed. At least he got over the drinking stage after a few months," Embry said. "Fairly sure he nearly bought out the liquor store a few times."

Briony frowned, but wasn't surprised. There was a time when her own recycling bin had been overflowing with wine bottles. Though she had never broken anything.

"I think he just sits at home by himself… in their house… torturing himself," Embry continued.

"Know that too…" she murmured.

"But… what did you do? You seem… more adjusted," Embry said.

She looked up, meeting his dark eyes as a smirk came across her face. He made a face, as though he didn't expect such a look from her.

"Told you… fake it until you make it," she said with a sigh. She then shook her head and looked back down at her coffee mug. This wasn't supposed to be about her.

It was about finding a way to help Paul. She could worry about herself later.

"I'm not sure if there's anything we can do for Paul," Embry said, for a moment sounding lost. Briony looked up at him, seeing a morose look come over his normally cheerful features. "I mean… we've tried just about everything, but he's got it in his head that he's got nothing. And I suppose I see why… his dad died about three years ago… And then Jacob - who was pretty much his brother-in-law, up and moved. Rebecca hasn't been back since, and Billy… well… he spends most of his time in Forks with Charlie Swan…"

"But he's got you guys," Briony interjected. A sad smile came over Embry's face.

"No amount of telling him that seems to get through that thick head of his," he replied. He then glanced into the house.

Briony followed his gaze, finding he was staring at her laptop. From her vantage point, she could see the bookshelf where her grandmother had displayed her books. She had sent her signed first editions each time a new one came out. And her grandparents had read every one.

"Maybe… maybe it wasn't just chance that brought you back," Embry said seriously, turning to look at her.

Briony's eyes widened slightly as a blush painted her cheeks. Yes, she had been wondering the same thing, but it still felt strange to have Embry say it.

"I want to help him, but… I don't know the first place to start," she confessed with a sigh. "I mean… if you guys can't get through to him, what good could I do?"

"You know what he's going through," Embry said. "And well, you two had this connection before… sure it'll come back."

Briony didn't miss the slight grimace that came over his face, which confused her. But before she could ask about it, he smiled at her.

"I mean… it's at least worth a try," he said. "And I'm worried that if he keeps this up…"

Embry's voice trailed off, but Briony knew exactly what he was afraid to voice. And she also knew that she couldn't let that happen.

"We'll get him back," she said, her voice full of more conviction than she thought possible in that moment. "Sometimes… it just takes some time… I'm sure he'll be okay… eventually. I mean… I have to believe that he will be… Or else…"

She stopped speaking, looking out at the ocean before she could add, "there's no hope for me either…"

"Like you said… it'll get better. I'm sure it will," Embry said softly. Briony looked over and gave him a tight smile as she nodded.

"Yea… it will," she said.

"So… when's the next one coming?" Embry then asked, leaning back in his chair. Briony stared at him in confusion for a few moments, not sure what he was talking about.

"Next what?" she asked.

"Book. If I know you, then I know you've got another up your sleeve. Probably 20. Definitely will have a lot of peace and quiet here to write," he said lightly.

"Oh," Briony said, her stomach falling for a moment as her hands got a bit sweaty.

That was hitting way, far too close to home. And she wasn't ready to admit to Embry - renewed friendship and all - that she couldn't write.

"I'm not really working on anything right now," she said quickly. "Just… with everything… thought I would take a break, you know?"

He nodded, maintaining his smile, though he glanced back in the house. Briony took a deep breath, building up the courage to ask the question she found she was suddenly dying to know the answer to.

"Did… did Paul ever read them?" she asked.

Embry looked back at her, studying her a moment before shaking his head.

"I'm, ah, I'm the only one who did," he admitted, a sheepish smile on his face. "You know the others… not big readers…"

"Ah… right," Briony said looking back down at her mug.

"But I'm sure if you told them about them, they would," he then quickly added.

"Wait… you didn't tell them?" Briony asked, looking up at him, her brow furrowed. "How did you even know that I wrote them?"

"Like I said… my wife is a fan of your husband. She saw a photo of you together at some red carpet and knew instantly it was you. Didn't take much to put it all together," he said, smiling at her. "Found the books in Port Angeles - they are pretty happy to claim you, if I'm being honest."

Briony felt the heat in her cheeks.

"And anytime I ran into your grandparents, they were always going on about how proud of you they were… My wife and her friends are big fans of the books too," he continued. "Seriously, Bri. It wasn't that hard. I'm just surprised the others have been this clueless. Especially Paul."

"Like you said… not a big reader," Briony said with a shrug, though she couldn't help as a dozen memories of him sitting and listening to her talk about stories flitted through her mind. Or reading something she wrote.

It was odd, to be sure. Of anyone in La Push, she would have assumed that Paul would have read all her books.

"Well, I've got a lot of work to do. And the others will be here soon. I should get to it," Embry said.

Briony looked over at him, seeing him get up from the chair. He then gave her a nod before walking back into the house. Briony put her coffee mug down and looked down at the beach, suddenly feeling the urge to get away from the house.

Quickly standing, she then made her way down the stairs and started walking, hugging herself as her thoughts whirled around. She couldn't decide what to think about, but tried to force her thoughts to settle on Paul and how she could help him.

But of course they wouldn't listen to her.

" _Hey, no need to cry, Bri. You've had writer's block before. You always come out of it…"_

Briony came to a stop, closing her eyes as a fresh round of tears filled her eyes. All she saw in her mind was Brandon, reaching out to her, pulling her close. She always felt safe in his arms.

" _Seriously… you're too brilliant to get stuck for long…"_

Briony gasped loudly as her eyes flew open and the tears streamed down her cheeks. Wrapping her arms around herself, she struggled to get herself under control, worried Embry might hear her from the house. She didn't want anyone to see her like this.

But the longer she stood there, the harder she cried as memory after memory of Brandon began an all too familiar loop in her mind.

After a few minutes, she managed to get her breathing regulated even though the tears were still falling. Looking out over the ocean, she took a deep shuddery breath, closing her eyes for a few moments.

"You can do this, Briony," she told herself.

She then opened her eyes and remained still, staring out at the water. Her mind finally fell silent as she focused on Paul. Whatever had driven them apart didn't matter. Her own issues didn't matter.

She needed to find a way to be there for Paul. Then she could deal with the rest of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lo and Behold - I have finished writing the full story! Should be able to post a chapter a day at this point, though waiting on the final two chapters to be looked over by my beta. As you can see - starting to see some changes in our two protagonists, though there is still more of the journey to go. And things will get a bit rocky.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading and following!


	7. Disarm Me with Your Smile

Paul stood in the living room, looking out the front windows of the house with a mug of coffee, once again wondering how to fill his day. He didn't have to go into work, so there wasn't that to distract him. He supposed he could get some work on his letters, but for some reason he had woken up feeling antsy and unable to sit down or focus on one thing for long.

As though he was forgetting something, but try as he might, he just couldn't remember what it was. Like there was something he was supposed to be doing. It left him unsettled and he could feel his wolf rumbling close to the surface. Despite his current calm exterior, Paul felt his control slipping. He needed to find something to do fast or else he risked phasing.

He took a drink of his coffee, his sharp eyes taking in the forested neighborhood. Though it sat on a decent-size plot of land that jutted up against the woods, there were a few houses nearby - one unfortunately within earshot if things got too loud. It had never been a problem before, even if they had the pack over for a get-together. But in the last year, the neighbors - an elderly couple - had taken to watching him more closely and keeping Jared and Sam updated if he should go on a so-called remodeling spree.

Sighing, Paul turned and looked around the room, seeing the holes he had punched in the walls and never bothered to fix. Papers were strewn about the coffee table along with his busted laptop that was still somehow working despite throwing it against the wall in his last episode. Granted it definitely needed a new screen. Paul had decided to leave it to Seth, who was always fiddling around with computers and other electronics. He'd find a use for it, as busted as it was.

Paul's phone then went off, disrupting his quiet morning. Sighing, he walked over and picked it up off the table, seeing Embry's name on the cracked screen. Frowning, Paul wondered why he was calling. He contemplated not answering, but almost as though it had a mind of its own, his finger pressed accept.

"What do you want, Embry?" he asked gruffly, angry at himself more than Embry.

"Shit, what pissed in your coffee this morning?" Embry asked lightly. Paul rolled his eyes and huffed. "Look, I got a favor. I know it's your day off, but my guys can't make it out today and I need you to help with some things at Briony's house."

Paul's eyes widened. It wasn't an incredibly unusual request - he had helped Embry out with projects several times over the past few years. But not lately. And what's more, it was at Briony's house. Paul still wasn't sure if he wanted to see her after their last interaction. And he was supposed to be staying away from her.

Even now, just the thought of seeing her had him on edge just enough that he started worrying slightly about phasing.

"I don't know…" he started.

"Seriously, I need your help," Embry said, sounding almost desperate. "We're taking down a wall today and I need three people. And I'm already behind. If I don't get this done today, I'll be even more behind."

Paul was silent a few moments, thinking it over. It had long been Embry's dream to start his own business building and renovating homes. He had been trying to do it for years, but in their neck of the woods, it wasn't as though there was a huge amount of clients. Or rather, there were already a few established companies that everyone used and Embry was struggling to break in. This project on Briony's house would be his golden ticket, so he wanted to do it right and well. It would definitely drum up more business if it went well.

Sighing, Paul shook his head, thinking he must have finally lost his damn mind. But at the same time, maybe doing this would help with that loose end.

"Fine. What time do you need me there?" he asked resignedly.

"Can you head there now?" Embry asked.

"Sure."

"Great! I'll see you soon. Seriously, man, I owe you one," Embry said.

"It's fine," Paul replied. "See you in a bit."

He then hung up before Embry could say anything else and slid his phone into his back pocket, looking around the living room again. Supposed he should get his tools and start bracing himself.

He was about to spend an entire day with Briony.

* * *

Paul sat in his truck a few moments, gathering his thoughts as he stared at the front of the old cabin where Briony had grown up. He had a lot of happy memories there. Her grandmother had had him over often and Paul had been a regular fixture at their dinner table since his father tended to work overnight shifts. He had then taken to spending a fair amount of his weekends there as well, when he and Briony weren't running around somewhere or he was off with the other kids on the reservation.

It had been years since he had been there, but it still looked the same if a bit rundown. Paul supposed Embry had a plan for that. But there were still bright flowers planted along the front of the deck that wrapped around the house and the beds were neat and clean of weeds. Briony must have done that.

For a moment, Paul thought about starting up his truck again. Going back home and coming up with some excuse for Embry. Maybe some sort of emergency at the clinic. It was believable. Something inside him whispered that it was a mistake to be here.

But before he could do anything, someone knocked loudly on his window, causing him to start and then turn to glare at the offender. Seth laughed loudly as he stepped back from the truck. Huffing, Paul turned and grabbed his things then got out. Embry must have really needed the help if he called in Seth as well.

"How long you been sitting there?" Seth asked as they started down the lane to the house.

"Not long," Paul said, keeping his eyes fixed forward.

"Surprised Embry called you," Seth then replied. Paul shrugged.

"It was my day off and he said he needed the help," he said, his tone clear that he didn't want to discuss the matter further.

They walked into the house, making their way through the mudroom and around into the large, open living room and kitchen. Paul stopped and glanced around, taking it in. There were boxes everywhere and the walls were a bit bare. But a large, new TV had been set up over the fireplace and a small bookshelf against the wall was full.

He then looked through the large windows that seemed to almost cover the walls facing towards the surrounding forest and down to the beach, seeing Briony. She was pacing around the deck, the phone to her ear and a frown on her face. Paul felt his heart clench slightly as he worried what was making her upset. But just as quickly as the feeling had set it, he pushed it aside, starting to look around for Embry.

"Good! You made it!" Embry said happily as he jogged down the stairs and over to them. "Okay, so we're taking down that wall." He turned and pointed up to an expanse of wall over them. "Want to make it so the landing on the second floor is open and overlooks this area. Think it'll really open the place and update it."

He then turned back to Paul and Seth, his expression asking if they understood. Paul gave a short nod.

"So we're busting down walls? Now I understand why you called in Paul," Seth joked as he started towards the stairs. Embry glared at his back and quickly turned to Paul, who was watching Seth, his face expressionless.

Normally a comment like that would get him worked up, but Paul couldn't muster anything.

"Well… let's get to work then…"

* * *

A few hours later, Paul was making his way down the stairs to start cleaning up some of the debris from their demo when he heard a small laugh and sniffle. Stopping, he looked towards the open door of the master bedroom, frowning. He knew it was Briony, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to go in there. She had been off on her own the whole day doing whatever it was she was doing. There was another soft chuckle. He shook his head and started to head towards the mud room where Embry had left large bags for the debris when he found his body turning and heading towards the open bedroom door instead.

He finally managed to stop at the threshold, seeing Briony seated in the middle of the floor surrounded by more boxes. Upon hearing his footsteps, she looked up from a photograph in her hands, her eyes wide.

"Oh, hey Paul. Didn't realize Embry called you in," she said, her surprise clear, though a smile appeared. "Just… going through some boxes of photographs I found in one of the upstairs bedrooms."

Paul glanced around the room, seeing that she had been making some progress. While the outdated furniture was still there, a lot of the knickknacks one would expect to see in a grandparents' room were gone. His eyes then fell back on Briony, who was looking back down at the photograph. She then looked up at him again, holding it out..

"Remember this?"

Paul walked over, reaching out to take the photograph. In it stood two scrawny kids with their arms around each others' shoulders, grinning as the sun set behind them. They were on the beach.

Of course he remembered.

It wasn't long after Briony had come to live with her grandparents and they had spent the day on the beach just outside the house with them, making sand castles and then destroying them. He had tried to teach her how to surf, but Briony had continued to fall off the board so Paul had given up. Granted, it wasn't as though he knew how to surf any better than she did.

It had been a good day. They ended it with a bonfire, roasting hot dogs and marshmallows. Paul remembered he had looked around at Briony with her grandparents and wished he could stay with them all the time. It wasn't as though he had a bad home life. His dad loved him and did his best, but he just wasn't around that much and was always sad after his mother had died. And Briony's house seemed to always be full of laughter. Happiness. Something constantly going on. And really good food that her grandmother cooked.

"That was a fun day," Paul found himself saying as he handed the photo back to her. Briony smiled at it again then put it back into a box.

"God, I didn't realize how many photos Grams took," she said with a sigh. "Most of these are of me. And you. And the others."

Paul ventured another step forward, looking down into the box, seeing piles and piles of photographs.

"It's going to take forever to get this organized. And then I have to decide what to do with them," she said, her eyes widening slightly.

"You could try scrapbooks," Paul suggested. Though he then began to wonder why he had even thought about scrapbooks. Briony looked up at him, her own surprise evident. "I mean… I think that's what some people do…"

First he tells her that he enjoys listening to her talk. And now scrapbooks. Paul was par for the course of being an idiot in front of Briony and he couldn't understand why any of this was happening.

A small smile came across Briony's face as she looked back down at the photos.

"That's… yea… that's a good idea," she said, picking up some more of the photos and going through them. "Would make it easier to look at them… Oh god…"

She laughed and then held another out to him. Paul found himself moving even closer and swatting down to take the photo. At this rate, he might as well just sit down and get comfortable. He looked at it, seeing a skinny, pale Briony grinning in the middle of a group of little boys, all of them covered from head to toe in mud. After a week straight of rain, the first chance it had started to let up, all of them had run out for a giant mud fight. Nearly every kid in La Push had been in it.

And like many photos from that time, Paul was right next to her, grinning as well, his arm around her shoulder protectively. Even though they were only 7 or 8 at the time, he had still worried that the other, bigger kids might accidentally hurt the pint-sized Briony and had tried to look out for her. Much to his surprise, she had ended up blowing all of them to smithereens with her aim and speed.

Paul felt a bit of warmth start to enter his heart as he stared at the photo and reminisced. He hadn't even realized that his lips turned up into a soft smile. But then suddenly, he could feel Briony's eyes on him. Glancing up, he saw the hopeful look on her face.

In a second, the warmth was squelched as he frowned slightly and handed the photo back. The pain came roaring back as well.

"Good times," he said. "Should probably get back to work."

He then straightened up and turned around, striding out of the room quickly so that he could start doing something with his hands that would hopefully distract him from whatever that was back there.

" _You can't get close to her… it's for her own safety… and yours…"_

* * *

Briony stood and stretched as she heard the guys voices drift down from upstairs. With the wall separating the living room from the upstairs landing now gone, she could hear just about everything. Seth and Embry were joking about something.

She walked out of the bedroom just as they were stomping down the stairs, all three of them carrying large trash bags.

"We'll just put these out in the dumpster and get out of your hair," Embry said. "Got a lot more done today than I thought we would. Definitely back on course."

Briony looked over, seeing the floor in front of the stairs clean of all debris and she had to admit she was impressed.

"Or… if you like, I could make dinner? Least I can do for you guys," she said, looking back at them.

Seth was grinning and already nodding enthusiastically while Embry glanced nervously back at Paul, who was silent with a frown on his face.

"Got some beer in the fridge too," Briony added, praying that Paul would stay.

Their eyes met and she could see the internal struggle. His lips pursed together slightly as he looked away quickly and took in the large living room.

"I'm in," Embry said, looking back at Briony. He then elbowed Paul, who glared at him. He then caught Briony watching them. Finally, he sighed and shrugged.

"Guess so… don't have any plans," he said reluctantly.

Briony beamed and rolled up her sleeves.

"Okay. Well, you guys do that and I'll get started. Help yourself to the beer and such while I cook," she said.

The men walked to the mudroom and Briony quickly made her way to the kitchen, grateful that Embry was saving it for last. Otherwise she wouldn't have been able to cook for them. She knew he was going to call them in for help today and had already gone to the grocery store, making sure she had enough food in the hopes they'd stick around. The house was quiet with just her. Hell, she had even pre-made some salads, sides and appetizers, deciding to be optimistic. Looking at it now, she wondered if it was too much food. She had expected more of the group to come out.

But then she decided it was probably better to have too much than not enough.

Getting to work, she sat out the appetizers on the island and then began to pull out everything she needed to make fried chicken and mashed potatoes. When she heard them walk back in, she turned to look over her shoulder.

"Some food is already ready, but you can take it out on the deck if you want. Shouldn't take all that long for me to do the chicken and such," she said, smiling.

"Anyone ever tell you that you're amazing?" Seth joked as he took in the spread. Briony blushed slightly as she glanced over at him, noticing that he was grinning at Embry.

Seth then handed around beers to Paul and Embry before he and Embry grabbed the food, going to the deck, though they left the door open behind them. Briony focused on putting the batter together, though she could sense Paul lingering. Chancing a glance at him, she noticed him walking towards the bookshelf. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw him lean closer, studying the four books that she wrote.

"This is that book series that Embry is always going on about," he said.

"Oh yea?" Briony called out to him. She then grimaced. That was brilliant.

"Yea… tried to get all of us to read it," Paul said.

"He told me that," she said, turning her focus back to the food. She started battering the chicken. "They're… well, they're my books."

Briony was met by silence. She took a deep breath, feeling as though her heart was racing. At this rate, it would likely pound out of her chest. She didn't understand why she was so nervous about this. Telling him. Briony swallowed.

"I wrote them about growing up here… About Forks and La Push," she said.

There was more silence and then she heard footsteps across the wood floor and the sound of a chair scraping. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw him sitting at the island, his beer now on the counter as he held the first book and studied it.

"You finally published a book," he finally said, glancing up at her. Briony nodded, a tight smile on her face as she turned back to the chicken, now putting the pieces she had battered into the frying pan.

"Yea… I wrote the first one in high school, but took me a bit longer to build up the courage to actually show it to someone that could get it published," she said. "Bran… I let him read it right after I had finished it and he kept pushing me to try and publish…"

Briony stopped, tears suddenly filling her eyes. Christ, of all the times to have a breakdown. She didn't speak for a time, concentrating on taking slow, deep breaths.

"You… you can take that one, if you want," she then said, glancing back at him.

She nearly gasped, finding Paul studying her intently, worry and pain swirling in his dark eyes. His jaw tightened, and his expression was guarded. Save for the intensity in his eyes. Briony couldn't bring herself to look away though, thinking it was likely that he saw the same pain reflected in her own.

Paul finally blinked and looked back down at the book, his brow furrowed. He then nodded.

"Sure," he said.

Briony felt like she could breathe again as she turned back to dinner.

"It's about here… what's the story?" he then ventured to ask.

"Just… you know… usual stuff… kids growing up and all," she said, infusing a bit of lightness in her voice. "All the crazy shit we used to get up to…"

"We?"

Briony looked over at him again, finding his eyes wide and questioning. A blush painted her cheeks as she nodded and gulped again.

"Yea… I, um… I based it on us," she admitted.

It was as though she had traveled back in time and she was a teenager again, terrified of talking about her work. Somehow she had gotten over it in the years since - a lot of that thanks to Brandon and his never-ending patience. Again, tears pricked at her eyes.

But then Briony remembered all those times she and Paul would sit on the deck or on the beach, her tattered notebook in his large hands as he leafed through it, an amused look on his face as she rattled on about this idea or that. She had never been scared to tell him about her ideas. Worried about letting him read her stories. He didn't like everything that she wrote, but he always was kind about his feedback. And had given her a lot of praise as well.

But Briony couldn't help as her nerves flared up a bit. This wasn't just another story. She had written about him. About their friendship. About her crush on him all those years ago. Granted, it wasn't as though that had been a secret. But there were still some things in there that she hadn't told him. Christ, what if he hated it? Or got angry with her? Shit, she shouldn't have told him he could take the book. Briony was supposed to be helping Paul, not making things worse.

"Certainly would have a lot of stories," he finally said, still not meeting her eyes.

The grease popped in the pan, drawing Briony's attention back to the food. She reached for a pair of tongs when a bit of grease popped again, this time landing on her hand. Briony hissed in pain, pulling her hand close to her body as she backed away from the stove.

Almost in an instant, Paul was at her side, taking her hand and guiding her over to the sink after he turned the stove off, where he turned on the cold water and put her hand under it.

Neither of them said anything as Briony blinked back tears, her eyes trained on her hand. Paul was gentle, his rough thumb brushing lightly over the blister that formed where the grease had hit her.

"Doesn't look that bad," he said softly. Briony nodded and finally looked up at him, mustering a smile.

"Thanks," she said quietly.

Paul stared at her, looking at those he was about to say something. He opened his mouth, but then stopped, instead turning the water off and walking back over to the island. Briony took a deep breath and walked back to the stove, turning it back on. She continued with frying the chicken, the crackling grease the only sound in the house, save for the occasional laugh that wafted in through the open door to the deck. Briony's shoulders drooped slightly, as she wracked her brain for something - anything - to say.

"I'll… I'll give it a read," Paul said.

Briony looked over at him, finding him reading the back of the cover.

"Sure… take your time with it," she replied.

She then turned back to the chicken, feeling as though something significant had just happened, but she wasn't exactly sure just what it was.

"Yo! Briony! What's taking so long?"

She looked over at the door, seeing Seth standing there, a grin on his face.

"It would go faster if you'd get your ass in here and help," she called back, finding it strange how easily she could slide back into her happy façade.

Seth laughed and started into the house, though out of the corner of her eyes, she could see Paul studying her closely. Shaking her head slightly, she turned back to the food and started giving Seth instructions. As they worked, Embry came back in and sat next to Paul at the island, speaking softly to him as he looked at the book.

Briony pushed it aside for the time. First, she needed to survive frying chicken.


	8. You Need Someone to Love You

Paul sighed as he sat down on the couch and put his bottle of beer down on the coffee table. It had been a long, rather hectic day at the clinic, but it was enough to keep his mind off Briony and the day at her house. Almost.

Okay, not really. Not at all.

Her book sat untouched next to a pile of papers. Paul intended to work on the letters to the pack and work more on getting things in order with the house and bank accounts, but for some reason, all he could do was sit and stare at the book, his thoughts firmly fixed on Briony.

When the others were around, she had been bright and happy. Watching her cook with Seth was amusing, he supposed. A year ago, Paul would have likely laughed loudly with the others and shot a few (or a lot) of his own barbs at them. Instead he had watched quietly, though there was a moment when he almost forgot. For a moment, he had been back to 15, when they would all hang out together. Before Briony's father had contacted her and she knew that she was leaving.

Before Rachel.

But then it had all come crashing back down when he saw the pain in her eyes and his own came roaring back to the forefront of his mind. When it had just been him and Briony, her mask had fallen away, and he could clearly see how much she was suffering. Even if she was smiling, it was clear in her eyes. At least it was clear to him. He wasn't completely sure if it registered with Seth and Embry.

And then she had burned her hand. It was as though his instincts had taken over and the next thing he knew, Paul was at her side, pulling her over to the sink. He knew that she had been trying not to cry and part of him almost told her she didn't have to hold back - there had certainly been many times over the years when she had cried in front of him. But he hadn't been able to bring himself to speak.

He had done it before. When they were kids, he was always looking out for her. And then with Rachel - it was second nature to step in to protect her.

But then, it became too much and Paul had to put space in between them, feeling his control slipping. He had left early and abruptly, driving like a maniac to get back home. And then he had gone and added a few more holes to the walls.

Paul wasn't sure why he took the book. He didn't have time to read it, not with everything else. But he felt as though it was the polite thing to do - taking it and saying he would. He wasn't completely sure he could bring himself to read, knowing that he was in there. Part of him was afraid of what he would find, which was ridiculous.

He - Paul Lahote, a shifter and protector - was afraid of a book. A book that was currently mocking him from the coffee table. He didn't want to read it, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. Thinking about Briony. Worrying about her.

Paul rubbed his face and then turned his eyes to the papers sitting next to the book. He reached out for the top one, reading over what he had written so far to Sam. He reached for a pen and put the paper down, intending to write more on it. But his hand stopped as he frowned, unable to think of the words to say. He stared at the paper a bit longer and then groaned, tossing the pen down, running his hands through his hair.

His eyes then fell on the book again.

Paul found himself reaching over for it, picking it up and opening it.

_To my biggest fan,  
_ _I finally did it, Grams. Hope you love this book as much as I loved writing it.  
_ _Love Always,  
_ _Briony_

Paul ran his fingers over Briony's loopy script and then continued turning pages, coming to a stop on another page.

_This book is dedicated to all my friends and family in La Push and Forks._

_This book wouldn't be possible without you._

_In these pages, our stories will always stay alive._

Continuing on, Paul stopped on the first page of the first chapter. From the first word, Paul was completely taken in. Briony's writing had only improved in the years away, though it always had the power to entrance him. This time even more. Even if he didn't know the forests and landscape that she described like the back of his hand, it would have been easy to picture it in his head. Even now, sitting in his living room, he could almost smell the trees around him. Taste the salt of the sea air from the beach.

Picture the small, pipsqueak of a girl, standing nervously behind her grandmother as she introduced her to a group of boys. He could feel her anxiety. And then happiness as they accepted her. All of it.

When he looked back up, he noticed it was completely dark outside. Another glance at his phone showed him that two hours had gone by. Looking back down at the book, he saw that he had gotten a good chunk of it finished. Blinking in shock, he marked his spot and put the book down, then pushed up from the couch, starting to pace around the room.

This was the last thing he needed. It was just another distraction. His mind was made up and he intended to go through with everything. But then, why could he not stop worrying about Briony?

* * *

" _Who was it?" Paul asked, furious._

_Briony sat on the rock on the beach, her eyes trained down on her shoes as her bottom lip quivered and big, fat tears streamed down her cheeks. Her shoes were untied - as they usually were - and a large scrape painted her right knee. She was always getting bumps and such - that was just life when you were 10 years old. But rather than answer him verbally, she just shook her head._

" _I know someone did this. Who was it?" Paul asked again, his anger starting to get the better of him._

_Briony finally looked up, her eyes blazing as she shook her head again._

" _No. Because you'll beat him up and it wasn't his fault," she said obstinately._

" _But he hurt you!" Paul shouted._

" _And I don't want you to get in trouble!" Briony shouted back, hopping off the rock and stomping over to him. "I don't need you to get in fights for me!"_

" _But Bri…" Paul whined._

" _No. Like I said, it wasn't his fault. I wanted to play soccer during recess. He didn't do it on purpose," Briony said._

_Her small hands were now planted on her hips, her skinny arms jutting out in a way that made her look a bit like a mad wet hen. Her eyes seemed brighter because of the tears, but even as a kid, Paul knew how stubborn Briony was. She wasn't about to tell him which one of the boys had tripped her up._

_For not the first time, Paul wished Briony could go to school on the reservation. At least that way, he could look out for her at school. She stuck out with her blonde hair and green eyes. And the fact that she looked as though one strong breeze would blow her away. He didn't like that she was in Forks without him._

_When he had gone over to her house after school that day and saw her grandmother tutting over her knee, for a moment he saw red. He knew that someone would hurt her when he wasn't around._

" _I just…"_

_Briony huffed and rolled her eyes, cutting him off. He wasn't sure why, but Paul found himself feeling a bit embarrassed. He was still angry at whoever had hurt her - intentional or not. But it was clear she wasn't about to let him off the hook._

" _It's fine, Paul. I can take care of myself," she said, crossing her arms in front of her._

" _O-okay," Paul said. Briony just stared at him. He knew he needed to talk quickly if he wanted back into her good graces. "I'm sorry. I'll drop it."_

_She stared at him a moment longer before a small smile appeared. It then quickly grew into a grin as she bounced over to him and threw her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek. It wasn't the first time she had done that, but this time, something felt different. Paul felt the heat rush to his face. This was weird._

_But before he could react, she had let go of him. She stepped back and then took his hand, leading him back to her grandparents' house._

" _C'mon! I got a new game we can play!"_

* * *

Paul blinked slowly, a bit overwhelmed by the sudden return of the memory. He looked back over at the book. It was because he had been reading it. That's it. Seeing stories based off their childhood had brought it to his mind. The book was full of stories of the character that he knew was him standing up for the little girl. Trying to protect her. But now he got to see what was in Briony's mind all those years ago.

That she had actually liked that he protected her. That he made her feel safe. Accepted.

Shaking his head again, as though he was trying to stop his thoughts from remaining on Briony and their past, he started for the kitchen and got another beer. As he walked back into the living room, his phone went off. Sitting down, he picked it up, seeing a text from Briony.

_Doing anything tomorrow night?_

Four words. It was only four words. But his hands were starting to get sweaty and his heart began racing. He felt like there was so much more in just those four words.

He meant to put the phone down. Not to answer. But instead, he replied saying no. She was quick to get back to him, asking if he wanted to come over and hang out. Paul meant to say he couldn't.

But when he looked at the phone after he pressed send, he found he had said, "Okay."

* * *

Briony couldn't help but smile when she opened her door the next night and found Paul standing there, nervously shifting from foot to foot. Stepping back, she let him in.

"Sorry about the mess. Embry's nearly finished upstairs, so started working on some things down here. And I'm still trying to get things boxed up and all. Figure out what to do with it," she said, following him into the living room.

If he was put off by the mess, Paul didn't say anything. Just shrugged as he looked over at her.

"Wanted to cook, but he's already started undoing a lot of the kitchen stuff. Hope pizza's okay. Got it out on the deck. You want a beer?" she asked, her voice rushing out a bit too quickly.

Shit, she was nervous about this. To be honest, she hadn't actually expected him to even reply. Or to actually come over. But now he was here. Briony was committed and hoped things would go better than they did last time. That he'd at least stay longer this time and not rush off with a half-mumbled excuse.

"Yea, sounds good," Paul said.

Taking a deep breath, Briony walked to the fridge, thankful that was at least still working, and grabbed two. She then turned and handed one to Paul, motioning for him to follow her out to the table on the deck. Once they were situated outside with a large pizza, Briony felt the sea air begin to calm her a bit as she quickly sorted through what to talk about.

"I started the book," Paul said, interrupting her thoughts.

Briony looked over at him, eyes wide. Well, she supposed that was as good as any place.

"What do you think?" she asked, working to keep her expression calm, but she was fairly sure that he could tell she was nervous.

Paul stared at her a few moments before the corner of his mouth turned up slightly.

"Brought back a lot of memories," he replied. "Nearly forgot about some of them."

Briony smiled softly as she looked down at her beer and Paul dug into the pizza.

"Yea… had a lot to choose from," she murmured. Paul glanced over at her.

"Are you ever going to tell me who it was that tripped you during recess and busted up your knee?" he asked. Briony stared at him a few moments, confused.

Realization dawned on her as she remembered what he was talking about. Damn, that was forever ago. A small smile appeared as she shook her head.

"Mike Newton," she said. "But I told you - it was an accident. He felt horrible about it…"

Paul's eyebrows shot up in surprise, almost as though he was expecting her to take the name to her grave. The look had Briony chuckling.

"Not going to go kick his ass, are you?" she asked. He shook his head, the faintest smile on his face. "Though if you kept up with the books, you probably could have figured it out yourself… it's in book 2."

"Ah… well then," Paul said, no longer looking at her. Briony sighed.

"During those first few years in LA, thinking about all the fun times we had here helped get me through the worst of it," she admitted. "I almost didn't realize I had a book going until I was halfway through… I just wanted to write the memories down so I could read them over and over again."

She looked over, seeing that Paul had paused in eating, his brow slightly furrowed. He put his slice of pizza down.

"Was it bad?" he asked, his tone serious. "Being in LA? Your emails… they didn't make it seem that bad..."

Briony shook her head quickly, not wanting him to worry about her. It was in the past. And it hadn't been all that bad - just felt that way sometimes.

"It wasn't _that_ bad, just… bumps and such. I didn't know my father at all and suddenly I'm expected to be part of this whole family that I didn't know existed," she said. "We… didn't always get along. And well… even now, we're not that close. But he tries…"

Paul nodded and looked away from her, his eyes scanning the ocean before them.

"I was… thanks for including me… in the book," he said, the faintest hint of red creeping up his neck.

"Of course, you'd be in there," Briony stated, giving a soft snort.

That much was obvious to her. Did he not think of her the same way? She had always considered Paul her best friend growing up.

Or maybe things were worse than Embry thought.

"Paul… you were my best friend. I couldn't write a book about this place and not include you. That would be… blasphemous," she said, a hint of laughter in her voice.

He glanced at her and then back down at the beer in his hands.

"I mean… I always thought of you as my best friend too… just never realized how important you thought I was," he said softly. "At least, when we were younger, I don't think I did… and then we lost touch and…"

He frowned, as though he was arguing with himself over what to say. Or maybe he felt he wasn't coming across the way he wanted. Briony sat up and reached over, putting her hand on top of his, wanting to let him know in some small way that she was touched. He flinched slightly, his eyes going wide as he stared down at her hand on his.

"You'll always be important to me," Briony said. "Then and now."

She watched as he gulped and then finally looked up, meeting her eyes. He didn't speak and Briony wished she had the power to read minds, because she had no clue what was going through his head. But she didn't back away or remove her hand.

"I always knew you'd be a big writer someday," Paul finally said. Briony blushed slightly as she looked away, reaching for her beer. "Seriously… I'm almost halfway finished with the first book. It's good."

"Well, took me several drafts to get to that one," Briony said. "May have written it in high school but didn't get it published until university."

"What took so long?" Paul asked. She looked over at him, finding that he seemed genuinely interested. Far more interested in anything they had talked about so far.

In fact, part of her nearly fell out of her chair to find him speaking so easily all of a sudden and appearing comfortable. Or, well, more comfortable than he had been earlier, though he still wasn't smiling.

"Oh, well… didn't think it was ready," Briony said with a shrug. "But Brandon wouldn't shut up about it. Finally stole a copy of it from my laptop and showed it to his dad without telling me. He then put me in touch with a friend of his who was a literary agent. And then I took it from there."

Briony was happy that her eyes didn't automatically well up with tears at the mention of Brandon tonight. Seemed she was finally having a good day.

"By that time, I had already finished book 2 and 3 as well, so we got started on edits, covers, putting together a schedule… it all happened so fast that I feel like it just… I blinked and the first book was out. Blinked again, next one," she said.

She looked over, seeing Paul staring at her, a sense of awe in his eyes. But something else. Not quite pain or sadness. Perhaps guilt? Why would Paul be guilty?

"Sounds like things have been good," Paul said quietly. Briony nodded.

"For the most part. Until… well… you know," she said. She mentally kicked herself. That was the last thing she should be bringing up. "So, vet clinic? What made you settle on that?"

Paul's expression seemed a bit befuddled, as though he wasn't expecting her to flip the conversation on him so quickly.

"Oh, well… Thought it was fitting," he said, shifting in his chair. "I, ah, moved to Seattle with Rachel. Got into UW for undergrad and then continued on into vet school…"

The frown returned to his face as he looked at the ocean, bringing the bottle to his lips and taking a long drink.

"Then Dad died, and we came back to take care of things. Ended up not going back. Never got to finish my last year," he said, his face stoic. "But it's fine. I'm… happy… with my job. The hours are good. Pay's okay. And I can stay here."

His voice cut out quickly, as though he wasn't sure if that's what he wanted to say. Remembering Embry's worries from the other day, Briony fought from throwing her arms around Paul and telling him over and over again that he wasn't alone. But she was fairly sure that wouldn't go over well.

"Is that what you really want?" she asked softly, surprising herself. Paul frowned as he looked over at her. "I mean, you could go anywhere, Paul. If you don't want to stay here… nothing's keeping you but yourself." She winced, realizing how her words could come across. Damnit. "I mean… you can go back to vet school in Seattle. Or try Portland. Even LA is nice, sometimes."

"What makes you think I don't want to stay here?" Paul asked, his frown deepening. Briony's cheeks turned slightly red as she quickly thought about how to answer that.

Truthfully, there was nothing he had said or done to make her think he wanted to leave. And it was true they had been apart for a long time - what did she really know about this version of Paul sitting with her? But leaving LA seemed to be helping her. Maybe getting out of La Push might help Paul.

"Nothing," she said. "Just… sometimes you need a change of scenery. Maybe not to live, but… you know… just a trip..." Paul held her gaze.

"Is it helping you?" he asked softly. Briony nodded.

"For the most part," she said.

Paul looked away again, but not before she saw the pain starting to fill his eyes. Shit. This wasn't exactly how she had hoped things would go. If Paul got upset, he wouldn't come back.

Or maybe this _is_ what he needed? Someone who understood, forcing him to talk. Getting him to talk, at least.

Briony chewed on her lower lip and reached out again, placing her hand on his shoulder. She felt him tense underneath her fingertips, not looking at her or saying anything, but he didn't move away from her either. He was still unnaturally warm, and then she noticed that he was starting to shake slightly, his jaw tense as he gripped the beer bottle. Paul closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

"I'm okay, Bri," he said, his voice firm.

Briony pulled her hand back, her eyes slightly wide. Great. She had ruined everything. Paul opened his eyes as he opened his mouth to speak. But when he turned to her, he froze a moment as a deep sadness and worry filled his eyes. He then looked away, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," Briony whispered. "I just…" She stopped speaking as she looked down at her hands.

"It's… it's okay," Paul replied. Briony looked up, seeing a small smile on his face, which shocked her. Was it working? Was she finally getting through to him? "Maybe… we could stick to talking about the books and… the old days? For now? I know it's easy for you to talk about Brandon, but… I can't… it's… I'm not ready to talk about some things."

Briony nodded, too stunned to speak.

"We can talk about whatever you want," she said once she had regained her voice.

"Think you could tell me just how Mike Newton tripped you playing soccer and nearly got you stitches..."

Briony smiled and nodded, now remembering that day.

"If you don't mind spoilers, well… it wasn't anything that spectacular…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! Had a bit of a busy weekend and forgot to post the next chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading and following!


	9. Your Hands Can Heal

Paul scratched his head as he stared down at the letter he was currently writing to Quil. He had given up on Sam's - didn't even think about touching Jared's yet - and thought maybe it would be easier going to some of the others, but they were all proving a bit difficult. Even the one to Seth had been hard, and he thought that one would at least be short and easy.

For not the first time that evening, his eyes drifted over to Briony's books. He had managed to stay a couple hours when he went over for dinner, the two of them settling into reminiscing about the old times. Had even ventured a bit into their lives beyond that, but always being careful. Briony had tiptoed around any topics she thought might bring up Rachel. As Paul was leaving, she walked over, holding out the rest of the series and told him to take his time reading them.

And now they all sat at the edge of the coffee table. Somehow, he had finished the first book and started on the second but told himself he needed to focus on his plans otherwise he'd continue to put them off.

But still…

Sighing, Paul put the pen down and reached over for the second book, opening it up and starting where he left off. If he wasn't going to stop thinking about them, he might as well try and get the series out of the way. Thankfully, they weren't too long and Briony's writing was easy to read - made it go by fast. And even though he knew most of the stories by heart, he couldn't stop reading once he started.

An hour later, he sighed and tore his eyes away from the book, knowing if he didn't stop, he'd be up all-night reading. He put the book down and looked over at the laptop. He was still curious about Briony's life in LA even though they didn't really get into it as it was intricately tied up with Brandon. And talking about Brandon would ultimately lead to talking about Rachel. Or thinking about her. Though it wasn't as though Paul wasn't constantly thinking about her.

Thinking he could chance it - the worst he could do was stop himself before it got to be too much and then go punch something - he grabbed the laptop and went to Google, typing in Briony's writer name. He made a mental note to ask her how she came up with it next time.

Paul stopped, sitting up as he frowned at the thought of intentionally seeing Briony again. But at the same time, he knew that he would. That he wanted to. She had quickly been added to the list of people to make some sort of amends with. It would take too long to do it fully, but he would at least have to try.

He then turned back to the task at hand, pressing enter and waiting as various articles and such came up. He clicked on a video link and waited until it started.

"We're here today with writer B. McHale, talking about her latest book in her series - 'The Rains'," a woman chirped. She then turned to look at Briony, who seemed uncharacteristically at ease, a warm smile on her face. "Thanks for coming!"

"Thanks for having me," Briony replied.

"Now, before we get into the book… there are rumors going around that you're being courted by a few producers and directors," the woman said, a knowing look on her face. "Is there any truth to them and can we expect that husband of yours to feature?"

An uncomfortable look passed over Briony's face. Paul glanced at the date and did the math. Shit. She had probably just found out about Brandon being sick. For a moment, Paul's finger hovered over the laptop, thinking he should stop it before they got into talking about Brandon's cancer.

"Well… what I can tell you is that nothing has been settled yet," Briony said diplomatically, a smile back firmly on her face. Paul had to admit that she was really good. Good enough to be an actress. "I'm still not sure if I want them adapted to screen yet."

"But this is the last in the series, isn't it?" the woman then asked.

"I… I think I'm at a good stopping place… for now," Briony replied.

"That's a shame. I know I'm a huge fan and it's been quite the journey," the host said. "I'd like to see what happens with Aster and Derek. Especially after reading this last one…"

A flush came over Briony's face as Paul's eyes widened. Derek was the character based on him. She laughed, a sort of nervous chuckle that was in stark contrast to her easy demeanor at the beginning of the interview.

"Well… suppose we'll just have to see… all of us," she replied.

Paul stopped the interview and went back to the search results, going through a few more articles, intentionally skipping over the more recent ones. Though he wondered if it was true - that someone wanted to make movies out of her books. He wasn't completely sure how he felt about that - someone playing him in a movie. It felt… strange. But then again, it wasn't as though he was Derek. The character was based off him, yes, but he was fictional and there were some differences.

He settled into watching older videos and interviews - ones well before her husband got sick. Briony looked happy. Really happy. Like she could take on the world. The young girl he had known was still there, but she had grown up. Matured. There was an easy confidence around her that he had only seen when it was the two of them. Or them with their friends. And though he saw glimpses of it now, it wasn't much.

He then stopped, a long-forgotten memory coming into his mind…

* * *

" _I could do it," Briony said, her voice firm._

_Paul stopped walking and looked over at her, confused as to what she was talking about. They were walking down to a diner near the movie theater in Port Angeles where her grandparents were waiting to drive them back home._

" _Do what, Bri?" he asked. She looked over at him, grinning._

" _I could make a movie," she stated. Paul stopped walking and then snorted. Immediately the smile fell from her face. "What? I could write a movie!"_

" _Yea, I know you could do that. But you would actually have to show the script to someone to get it made, you know," he replied. Briony opened her mouth to reply, but then stopped._

" _Oh, yea…"_

_Paul rolled his eyes and threw his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. For a moment, he nearly lost it, smelling the perfume she had taken to wearing lately, deciding that at 15, it was time to start wearing makeup and other stuff the older girls did. Honestly, Paul thought she was pretty no matter what, but he couldn't help the way it affected him._

_He was a 15-year-old boy who just realized that his best friend was a pretty, 15-year-old girl. And he wanted to kiss her._

_Pushing aside his nerves, he kept his smile on his face, not wavering or allowing her to see he was wavering._

" _You're a good writer, Bri. If you say you're going to write a movie someday, I think you will," he said._

_Briony looked up at him, her smile reappearing._

" _You really think so?" she asked. He nodded._

_Briony looked back in front of them, the two of them starting to walk. As she started talking about her ideas, Paul tried to follow her, but all he could think about was if tonight was the night. If he would actually try to kiss her. But the closer they got to the diner, the more his resolve lessened._

_No, not tonight. Not here._

_Even though all his other friends had long ago had their first kisses - and often made fun of Paul for not making his move - he couldn't bring himself to do it. Because he knew that he wanted it to be with Briony. But she was his best friend and had never once made any move or comment or anything that showed him she felt the same way._

" _What do you think?" she asked, looking up at him._

" _Hmm? Oh… I think it's a great idea," he said quickly, hoping that she hadn't noticed he wasn't paying attention to her words. Briony stopped walking and turned to him, frowning. Shit. She knew._

" _What's going on, Paul?" she asked, seeming worried._

" _What do you mean?" he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at the ground._

" _You keep going off somewhere lately. Is something wrong?" she asked, stepping closer to him._

" _I'm fine," he said, looking up at her with wide eyes and praying to whoever could be listening that she didn't push it. Briony studied him a bit longer and then started walking again, though she continued to glance at him._

" _Okay…"_

* * *

Paul shook his head a bit, wondering why that memory would come to him. He had long had a crush on Briony at that point. And it wasn't that long after that he had finally gotten the courage to tell her how he felt and kiss her. But that wasn't what he was supposed to remember, was it?

The movie. Right. She had wanted to write a movie. Paul looked over at the laptop, thinking to the bright, excited, confident Briony he had seen in the interviews. He then thought of the Briony he had had pizza with the other day. He hadn't forgotten how many times she looked longingly towards her laptop when she thought he wasn't paying attention.

He then realized how he could make his amends. How he could end things with Briony.

He needed to convince her to follow her dream. Again.

As soon as he thought it, the idea settled into his mind and a sort of contentment came over him. He didn't know how long it would take, but Paul knew that he couldn't go through with anything until he had helped Briony. Made sure that she would be okay.

Then he could leave it all behind.

Yes, that's what he would do. He owed her that much.

* * *

"Thank god you came," Briony said, smiling as Paul walked into the house. She couldn't help but feel buoyed by his appearance. He looked less tense than he had before. Was even smiling slightly.

"Well, when you mentioned how much stuff you wanted to take to Goodwill, I remembered I had the trailer. Thought it would help," he said, already looking around at the various boxes filling the living room.

And then there was the furniture from the master bedroom and spare rooms upstairs. Honestly, Briony was so grateful, she could kiss him. Just the thought of trying to get it all to the Goodwill store in Forks by herself overwhelmed her. Though, she probably could have asked Embry to help.

She had already put in orders for some new furniture, but it couldn't be delivered until Embry was finished with most of the renovating, though she supposed she could start with upstairs since that part was at least done. As it was, she was sleeping on a mattress in the guest room while Embry worked downstairs. And she supposed at some point, she should go back to the LA house and decide what she wanted from there. Vivian was already working on getting it listed, but it wouldn't be shown until she got all of the personal items out.

A pinch of pain hit Briony in the chest as she thought about having to go through what was left there. She had already packed up most of Brandon's things. But there was still some left that she just couldn't bring herself to go through.

"How the hell are you eating?" Paul asked, bringing her out of her thoughts.

She looked up at him, blinking a few times before she looked over at the mess that was now her kitchen.

"Oh, well… I go into town for most meals now," she said. "Or takeout…"

"You should get in touch with Sue Clearwater," he then said. "Sure she could feed you."

Briony stared at him in shock, a bit thrown by his concern. It took her back. Paul shifted on his feet, not meeting her eyes.

"I'd invite you over, but… not much of a cook myself," he mumbled.

Briony knew it likely had more to do with the fact that he didn't want her to see whatever state his house was in but didn't dare touch that with a 10-foot pole.

"Yea, sure. I'll give her a call. Been meaning to get into La Push more," she said instead, being careful to keep her voice light. "Emily and Sam actually had me over last night."

Paul looked over at her, surprised. Briony shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Well… we should probably start loading this up," Paul said, turning to the living room. He started towards a large box.

"Careful that's-" Briony stopped as Paul easily picked up a box that she hadn't been able to move at all. "Heavy."

He just offered her a small smile and started towards the door, not straining at all. Briony watched him in shock for a moment before shaking her head and starting towards another, smaller box.

There really was something in the water at La Push.

* * *

A few hours later, Paul and Briony walked out of the Goodwill store, the person running it following them out and once again asking if Briony was sure she didn't want any sort of compensation for all the stuff she brought in. And once again, Briony said to just make sure everything found a good home to go to.

She could feel Paul watching her but pushed it aside as the manager walked back inside and she looked around the small town.

"So… you hungry?" Paul then asked.

Briony turned to him and nodded.

"Could probably eat a horse," she replied as they started towards the diner. Paul snorted softly, bringing her to a stop. Had he seriously just laughed?

The smile then suddenly fell from his face as he hunched over slightly, still walking. Briony quickly caught up to him. They made their way to the diner and sat with Briony going over the menu, though Paul just looked around. They then ordered, the waitress asking Paul if he wanted his usual. He just nodded in return and then turned his dark eyes to Briony.

She sat back, noting the intensity was back. Since when had Paul been so serious? Oh right.

"I read a bit about your books. Does someone seriously want to make them into movies?" he asked. Briony just blinked. How had he found that out?

In truth, her father had been begging her since the first one came out to let him make them. But she said no, unsure if he really thought they were good, or this was just another of his plots to try and make up for how he had been the first 15 years of her life.

"I've had a few offers, yea," she admitted.

"Why won't you do it?" he asked.

"I… well… just not sure," she said.

"That's bullshit. We both know how badly you wanted to write a movie when we were younger," Paul said. Once again, Briony was shocked into silence. "You should just do it."

Briony's mouth fell open, though she quickly snapped it shut and reached for her water glass, looking away from him.

"I don't know, Paul," she said, her brow furrowed.

"What's stopping you?" he asked. Briony looked over at him, unsure of what to say.

But as soon as she met his eyes, a realization came over his face and he looked away.

"You should at least think about it. It is something you've been talking about since we were 15… at least I suppose," he said, reaching for his own glass of water.

"It's not off the table… just… taking a break from… that. For a bit," she admitted. Paul looked up at her and she offered him a small smile. "I'll get to it."

"You promise?" he asked. Briony nodded, unsure of why he was so invested in this.

"Any ideas on who you want to play you?" she then asked. Paul's eyes widened as he shook his head.

"I wouldn't have the first clue," he said. "Don't really get out to see movies that much… anymore…"

An uncomfortable silence fell over the two of them as Briony started playing with her napkin. She then sat up and smiled.

"I'll make you a deal. You go see a movie with me and I'll think about calling my publisher to set up a meeting or two."

Paul seemed to be thinking it over a bit before he nodded.

"Just as long as you go through with your part," he stated.

"It's a deal…"

* * *

Briony walked out onto the deck that night and leaned against the railing, her mind wandering over the day and Paul's slightly strange request. It wasn't so much the fact that he had encouraged her to pursue her dream of writing a movie - he had done that before - but more the ferocity behind it. Almost as though he was desperate for her to follow through. It was a near about face from his actions so far.

Before, it seemed almost as though he avoided her. As though being around her was too difficult. And now… he was offering to help her with the house. Agreeing to go see a movie with her.

It was strange.

But maybe she was finally getting somewhere. Maybe she was finally helping him. A small smile came over her face. While she knew they had a ways to go yet, she felt as though she was finally getting somewhere. That she wasn't constantly saying the wrong things.

A tear suddenly slid down her cheek as she stared out at the beach.

_You'll be okay, Bri…_

She shook her head, not sure she wanted to go down that road just yet. Yes, she had seen that memory in her head many times over the past several months, but she wasn't ready to dwell on it. Not tonight…

* * *

_Briony scrunched her face up, reading over the essay that Paul had just finished. As usual, it was due tomorrow and he waited until the last minute to finish it. He was always complaining about the books they read, calling them boring and dusty. Not to mention, he hated writing essays - this Briony knew for a fact._

_But English was something she was really good at. So, she helped him as much as she could._

_Finally, she put her red pen down and slid the paper over to him. Paul sat up in his chair, his expression making it clear that he was steeling himself for the flood of corrections that he was sure would come. He then looked up at her in awe._

" _Really?" he asked. "I thought there would be more changes." Briony shrugged._

" _Looks like you're getting better," she said, smiling. "See? I don't have to write your essays for you."_

" _Let's not go that far. This was just once," Paul said, looking over it. Briony rolled her eyes._

" _If you would just read in between the lines, it wouldn't be that hard," she muttered._

" _I still don't get that, you know," Paul said, frowning at her. "There's nothing in between the lines."_

" _I mean… you need to stop taking everything so literally," Briony huffed. "There's always some sort of lesson to learn from books. Find that and then write about it."_

" _Not always," Paul said, still frowning. Briony rolled her eyes again. "Not all of us are as smart as you, Bri."_

" _That's not true," Briony shot back. Paul was pretty brilliant, in her mind. He was really good at math and science - two things she never did that well in. "And I'm not that smart."_

" _Oh, so I must be really stupid then," Paul nearly shouted. Briony's frown deepened._

" _That's not what I meant-"_

" _What she means is, everyone is good at different things," Grams said gently, walking up to the table and putting down two mugs of hot chocolate. Both kids looked over at her. "And you're both smart… just in different ways. If my opinion means anything."_

" _Course it does, Grams," Paul said immediately. Briony turned to him._

" _I suck at science. And you're really good at helping me with my science homework," she said quickly. Paul thought it over a bit and then nodded._

" _It's pretty easy when I think about it," he admitted._

" _See? You're both good at something and smart at something. Just means you gotta help each other out," Grams said with a warm smile before walking off._

_Both were now in a better mood as Paul put the paper away. He then turned to Briony._

" _You finish more on that story?" he asked eagerly. Briony nodded and turned, pulling a notebook out of her backpack, then handed it over. "No… you read it to me… I like it better when you read it."_

_Briony chuckled and then opened it up to where she left off, her girlish scrawl filling the pages._

" _Okay… so… where were we…"_

_She found the spot and started reading, completely losing herself in the story as Paul leaned his head on his hand, his dark eyes fixed on her and a smile on his face. He didn't move or say anything until she finished._

" _What, that's it?" he asked, disappointed. Briony nodded and closed the notebook._

" _I had homework and couldn't get much done today," she admitted._

" _When you become a famous writer, don't forget about me," Paul said. While his tone made it clear he was joking, she could tell from the slight fear in his eyes that he wasn't completely._

" _Paul… you're my best friend. I'm never going to forget you…"_

* * *

Briony sighed heavily as she wiped a lone tear from her cheek. She never forgot him, not really. But she certainly hadn't been the best friend that she could. At least now she was finally making it up to him.

"I'm not giving up on you, Paul… not by a long shot," she murmured into the night. "Not at all…"


	10. Come on Back to the Front Porch

Paul sighed as he sat down at the diner, offering a small smile to the waitress as she put a glass of water down for him and asked if he wanted his usual. He nodded and then picked up the last of Briony's books, opening it to where he left off. The last couple of weeks, he found that he couldn't stop reading, some sort of insatiable urge to know what was in them - especially this last one - taking over him.

Back then, he had always thought he knew Briony well, and he had, but the books had given him an insider's look into her mind that had gone beyond even that.

It was still a bit awkward to be around her, but for whatever reason, Paul managed to find various reasons to see her. More often than not, it was helping around her house on the weekends or after work. Slowly, their old friendship seemed to be coming back and for a few hours of the day, he found himself relaxed. Almost calm. Much calmer than he had been in the last year. He told himself it was because he was making peace with things. Had settled on a course and knew where he was going. And also, because day by day, he could start to see her come back alive. It was a weird mixture of the Briony he hadn't known for 12 years with the one he had grown up with.

"Thought I'd find you here."

Paul looked up as he put the book down, seeing Jared slide into the booth on the other side of him. There was a spike of irritation, but it quickly faded. It wasn't just Briony that he needed to tie up loose ends with.

"You stalking me?" Paul asked, raising an eyebrow at his best friend.

Jared tensed for a moment, but then his eyebrows rose when Paul didn't do anything aggressive or fight the fact that he was sitting there. Glancing around, Jared then turned back to Paul, a smile appearing.

"Hadn't had a chance to check in with you for a few days. Went to the clinic, but they said you had already headed out to lunch," he replied, leaning back slightly. "Embry says you've been helping out at Briony's a lot."

"They need it. Have you seen the things Embry's trying to do? Beginning to think he bit off a bit too much," Paul said as the waitress walked up and handed Jared a menu. He glanced at it and put in an order. "Though… when it's done, it should look good."

Jared just blinked in surprise before reaching for his water glass. Paul knew there was a comment he wanted to make, but was holding back, worried he would break the easy peace that seemed to have settled over them. To be honest, he was surprised at himself. This was the first time since before everything that he hadn't wanted to lash out.

He frowned slightly, but then shook his head.

"Kim wants to have Briony over for dinner soon," Jared said. "Apparently they ran into each other in town and got to talking."

"Yea?" Paul asked. He recalled Briony telling him the other day that she had started going to La Push for things since it was closer than Forks, so it wasn't strange that she'd seen Kim. "Said she's been spending some time with Emily. Guess they hit it off at the bonfire or something…"

Jared nodded slowly, a small smile firmly on his face. Paul could clearly see where his thoughts were going. Part of him thought he should squash that thought. Before he got any more grand ideas about Paul and Briony. He was just helping her out so he could leave without any unfinished business.

"Been reading her books too, huh?" Jared asked, glancing over at the book sitting next to Paul's glass. He glanced at it as well and then back up at Jared.

"They're good," he said. "Really good."

"And it has nothing to do with the fact that you're in there," Jared said with a chuckle. Paul frowned, though he could feel his cheeks heat up.

Especially considering what this book covered. It was essentially her last year in Washington. He knew what was coming at the end of the book, but it didn't make him want to stop reading. He hadn't really asked Briony many questions about the books as he got into the later years of their friendship, already feeling conflicted about it. But now was not the time to ponder that. Not with Jared sitting across from him, looking like the cat who caught the canary.

"It's not really me," Paul said as the waitress brought their food.

"Sure," Jared replied. Paul frowned at him.

"Not like you've read them," he shot back. Jared just chuckled.

"Look… whatever it is… just… keep it going," Jared said, appearing a bit more serious. Paul frowned at him. "Right… so, you think you could come over when we have Briony? Kim wants to know."

Paul sat back, not expecting that diversion. He blinked a few times.

"Yea… just… let me know…"

* * *

That night, he laid on the sofa, reading the book. Paul had been there since he got home from work, finding that he couldn't put it down, wanting to devour the entire thing. The letters laid forgotten on the coffee table, where they had been sitting untouched for a few days now. Whenever he tried to sit down and work on them, Paul found that he couldn't focus, pulled back to reading Briony's books, or thinking of ways to help her out.

He was already doing a lot with the house. He hadn't asked about the movie deal since the day he told her to do it, but they had gone to see a movie, so he knew that she had to uphold her side of things. It had been an interesting experience. As they sat down and the lights went out, a wave of anxiety ran through him. He hadn't stepped foot in a movie theater since before Rachel died - it had been one of their most frequent types of dates. He worried that being there would conjure up too many difficult memories. That he might lose control.

But thankfully, Briony had picked a raunchy comedy with no hint of romance whatsoever. That had helped. As had hearing her laugh next to him. He had managed a few furtive glances at her throughout, pleased that she seemed okay. And then afterwards they had gone back to her place for a couple beers as Sam's gag order on bars was still in effect. Paul had worried how to explain that when they started to come across one on their walk back to the car, but Briony had suggested going to her place before he got too worried.

It had been nice. Normal.

But when he stepped foot in his dark, empty house afterwards, everything had come rushing back and he spent the night tossing and turning as he dreamed about Rachel. Though the dreams were interspersed with dreams of Briony and their past. He had woken up confused and conflicted though managed to put it aside while he went to work.

But right now, he wasn't thinking about that. He was fully focused on the book. Suddenly, he sat up, knowing what was about to happen. Paul couldn't tear his eyes away as he read, his heart pounding.

It was exactly like he remembered…

* * *

_Briony was unusually quiet as they walked down the beach together, not really looking at him as the breeze blew her hair from her face._

" _Grams says it's supposed to storm tonight," she suddenly said, looking out at the choppy water. "Shouldn't stay out too long. You know how storms are here…"_

_She continued on rambling about random storm facts that Paul wasn't sure how she knew. But he wasn't really paying attention, his own heart pounding. He knew she was nervous - she always rambled when she was nervous. He just didn't know what about, and that made_ _**him** _ _nervous. Had something happened? Had Embry or Jared ran their mouth around her and told his secret. He made them all swear they wouldn't say a word about his crush on Briony. They had promised, though continued to give him a hard time about it when she wasn't around._

_Shit. That had to be it. She had somehow found out and was now about to tell him she didn't feel the same way. That's why she was so nervous. Shit. Fuck. What did he do?_

" _Paul?"_

_They came to a stop as she turned to face him, wearing a worried expression._

" _I'm fine," he said quickly, though he was anything but._

_Briony nodded and looked down at her feet, starting to draw in the sand with the toe of her shoe. Outside of the wind and the waves, Paul swore the only other sound was the thundering of his heart and he was certain that she could hear it too. God, why wouldn't she just say something? Get it over with._

_Briony then took a deep breath, seeming to steel herself, and then looked up at him, resolution clear in her green eyes._

" _We need to talk about something," she said._

" _O-okay," Paul replied, trying to ready himself for this. Hell, there was no way he was going to be ready. Briony took another deep breath, color already seeping into her cheeks._

" _So… we've known each other a long time," she started. Paul nodded, unable to speak even if he wanted to. "And, well… you're my best friend and… I just… I feel like you get me. You don't make fun of my stories or think I'm crazy for wanting to write. And you always stand up for me… and… I feel safe with you…"_

_She went silent and Paul wasn't sure if she was waiting for him to say something or what. He opened his mouth, but then shut it, not sure what he could say. He still wasn't exactly sure where she was going with this, even though there were two clear options. One - she was about to tell him that she knew how much he liked her, but they were just friends. The other, well, he didn't dare hope that she went there. He didn't want to set himself up to be hurt more than he already would be if it were option one._

" _I like you, Paul," she said._

_His eyes widened slightly as he thought over her words._

" _I like you, too," he said almost automatically. Briony rolled her eyes and looked away a few moments before turning back to him._

" _No, I mean… I like-like you," she said, her cheeks turning a brighter shade of red._

_That's when it dawned on Paul that this was option two. She was telling him that she had a crush on him._

" _I shouldn't have said anything," Briony muttered, starting to walk back towards her grandparents' house, misinterpreting his silence._

" _Wait," he said, reaching out and grabbing her arm, stopping her. Briony looked back at him, a bit of hope entering her eyes. "I… I like… like you, too." Her eyes widened. "Really."_

_Briony blinked a few times and then stepped closer to him. Paul knew this was it. They were going to kiss. Suddenly, his heart began pounding even harder - if it were possible - and he started worrying that it wouldn't be any good. That it would be horrible, and she wouldn't want to have anything to do with him afterwards. He had spent so long fantasizing about this moment that now that it was here, he wasn't sure what to do. He should have been paying attention when the others were going on about it._

_He moved closer to her, his hands coming up and then hovering a bit before he grabbed her arms. Before he could talk himself out of it, he pressed his lips to hers as he closed his eyes. His mind went completely blank as they stood there, lips pressed against each other's. Paul knew he was supposed to be doing something more. What had the guys done? Right. He was supposed to use his tongue._

_Tentatively, he stuck his tongue out, running it over her lips. Spit. There was too much spit. Briony jumped back slightly, her eyes wide in shock as Paul blushed furiously and let go of her, turning away. That wasn't how that was supposed to go. Maybe he should have practiced like the others told him to._

_He ran his hand up the back of his neck, scratching. She'd never date him if he kissed like that._

" _Well… that was…."_

_He looked over at Briony, whose entire face was now bright red. Their eyes met and suddenly, both of them were laughing. Paul found himself relaxing. Right, this was just Briony. His best friend. His Briony._

" _Sorry… just… you surprised me," Paul admitted._

" _Yea… I think I was in my head too much," Briony replied._

_She then turned to face him, squaring her shoulders a bit as a determined look came over her face._

" _I think we can do better," she said. Paul laughed._

" _It's not a test or competition, Bri," he said. Though he was eager to have another try._

" _I know," Briony said, frowning slightly._

_They stared at each other a few moments before Paul stepped up to her, resting his hands on her hips and pulling her closer. He heard a soft gasp leave her lips. Rather than think about it or try to remember the tips the guys had given him, Paul leaned down and softly pressed his lips against hers, moving them gently. Briony arms came up, wrapping around his neck as she rested them on his shoulders, moving her lips against his as well._

_This was better. And infinitely less sloppy, he thought, as electricity zipped through him. He then tentatively ran his tongue over her lower lip, but this time, instead of moving away, her lips parted._

_Yes, this kiss was a million times better._

_After some time, Paul pulled back, looking down at Briony's flushed face as she grinned up at him._

" _That was… wow," she breathed. He chuckled._

" _Aren't you supposed to be a writer?" he replied. She shot him a playful scowl but didn't remove her arms from his neck. "Yea… it was pretty wow…"_

* * *

Paul rubbed his face after he put the book down, a flurry of conflicting feelings coursing through him. For years, he only knew his side of that experience. And now he knew Briony's. He looked down at the open book.

_It seemed like that entire summer, I had been dreaming about kissing Derek… it was all I could think about. And then it finally happened, and it was as though the last piece of the puzzle fell into place… I had been so terrified to tell him, worried what he would say. We were best friends, after all._

_Would this ruin everything?_

_But then it hadn't…_

Taking a deep breath, Paul dropped his face into his hands as memories of Briony ran through his mind. They were then joined by memories of Rachel and an overwhelming sense of guilt came over him. He looked up, his eyes falling on the unfinished letters.

In an instant, the house seemed too closed in. Too suffocating. There wasn't enough space for him to think here. To breathe. He needed to get out.

Paul got up and put on his running shoes and then left, not really noticing where he was going. It wasn't until sometime later when he found himself on the beach, nearly to Briony's house that he came to and stopped.

Why was he here?

He knew that he was close to the spot on the beach where they had their first - and second - kiss. But this also wasn't far off from where he and Rachel would have picnics. Breathing heavily, Paul ran his hands through his hair, the memories battling against each other in his head for dominance. He felt his wolf growling inside him, begging to be let out.

For a moment, Paul almost lost control. But then he came to a decision and suddenly everything was calm again. He looked down the beach and started running again.

He needed to talk to Briony.

In almost no time, he was coming up to her house, the lights on inside and the living room in clear view. He could see her sitting on the couch, watching something on TV. She was hugging a pillow. Onward he kept going. But when he got close enough, he saw the tears staining her cheeks. Coming to a stop, Paul watched, his heart heavy.

He could hear the TV through the open door. He recognized that voice.

She was watching a video of Brandon.

Right. Her husband. That she had spent 12 years with. That she was madly in love with still. Her _dead_ husband.

Backing up, Paul shook his head and turned, running back down the direction he came. He knew he couldn't intrude. He would just have to do what he always did.

Figure this out himself.

* * *

Briony stared at the package on the counter of her kitchen, which was slowly starting to come together. The brown envelope was taunting her. She had gotten it days ago, but still hadn't brought herself to open it, knowing what it was. Vivian had told her to expect it. At first, she had hidden it away, not ready to think about it. But then she had pulled it out after the guys left for the day, thinking maybe she was ready.

But now she stood there thinking maybe she wasn't.

Huffing in agitation with herself, Briony walked over to the counter and picked it up, ripping it open and then dumping the contents on the counter. There was an unmarked DVD and envelope. She reached for the envelope, opening it and reading through the letter.

It was from Vivian.

_Take your time with it - I know that it's not easy. But the director wanted you to see it before they went through with the release. He put it off, knowing what you were going through, but I think it might be time…_

Briony's eyes trailed over to the DVD. She reached out, her hands shaking as she picked it up. She didn't know how long she stood there staring down at it, but finally she took a deep breath and walked over to the TV, glad that she had thought to get a DVD player. Quickly, she loaded it in and moved back to sit on the couch, wanting to get this started and over with.

Taking a deep breath, Briony pressed play and waited as the opening credits started, her thoughts going back in time. To when Bran had first heard about the screenplay. He had been excited about this role - more than the others. And the director had been willing to work around his chemo. Brandon was still well enough to do it - wanted to do it - and they had somehow managed to keep his condition from everyone else until filming was nearly done and he could no longer hide it.

At the back of their minds, they had both known that it would likely be his last, though they were both trying to focus on the positive. Believing that Brandon would get through it - survive brain cancer. Make more movies. Briony had nearly forgotten about the movie, she got so tied up in taking care of him afterwards. She had been on set every day. Took Brandon to his treatments and then helped him with the harsh side effects. Gotten close to everyone working on the film.

But here it was. Finished.

Briony gasped as Brandon's face filled the screen. Immediately tears filled her eyes as she watched. Though she knew that he was feeling rough most of the time from his treatments, you couldn't tell from watching him.

She didn't realize she had begun sobbing.

But then…. The sobs started to subside a bit. A small chuckle left Briony's lips as she continued to watch, still sniffling and crying quietly. God, this was such a great role for Bran.

_I think… I think this could be the one, you know? The role that defines me as an actor…_

"I think so too, Bran," she whispered. It was as though it was written for him, and probably it was. She couldn't remember.

Briony sat back on the couch, hugging a pillow to her chest as she laughed again, reaching up to wipe away her tears, though more were still coming.

It felt like almost no time had passed, but suddenly, the film was over, and the credits were starting to roll.

_In loving memory of Brandon Peters… You will always stay alive to us in our hearts and through your work._

Briony brought her hand to her mouth, feeling another round of tears coming as the credits rolled and an uplifting song played. She wasn't sure if it was Oscar-worthy, but it certainly was his best work. She swallowed, a soft smile still on her face. She closed her eyes, seeing Brandon's face.

" _Hey, we can't let this get us down, Bri. There's still a lot of life to live…"_

Nodding, Briony opened her eyes and looked up at the tall ceiling of the house. She wasn't sure if there was heaven, but if there was, she knew that's where Brandon would be right now. And regardless of her views on the afterlife, in that moment, she felt as though he was there somewhere nearby, watching over her.

"You're right," she whispered. "There's still a lot of life to live…"

Hope started to fill her in that moment as her thoughts turned to Paul. He had been doing so much better. It was still small, but in the big scheme of things, she felt as though he was finally turning the corner. Even Embry had begun commenting on it. Saying that he hadn't seen Paul like this in over a year. The relief was apparent.

Briony took a deep breath and slowly let it out as she looked back at the screen.

"There's a lot of life left for the both of us…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting closer to the end! I'm posting chapters when I get a free chance about as fast as I can. We're about to have a five-day holiday where I live, so work has been busy in the run-up to that. Not to mention, I adopted a new pup the weekend before last, so he's been taking up A LOT of my free time at the moment. But should be able to get the last five chapters up over the next couple of days (hopefully). Got a vet appointment after work today and the new pup has SO MUCH ENERGY that I basically pass out at like 8 pm every day... Will try to post more later today after work if I remember...
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading and following!


	11. Your Hands Can Bruise

Paul slammed the door to his truck shut before making his way up to the house. He knocked and stepped back, waiting on Briony to answer. When she did, a grin filled her face as she stepped back and let him in, already launching into a detailed explanation of her day.

The house was still a bit of a wreck, though he had to admit that the kitchen was starting to come together. It was looking less like a construction zone, though Briony still couldn't fully use it. But at least the new appliances had been delivered that day, it seemed.

Clearing his throat, Paul focused on following Briony to the deck - the one part of the house that seemed completely finished - his thoughts once again returning to that night he had inadvertently run here. Seeing that Briony wasn't in any condition for company or to discuss what he had wanted, he had left, but told himself the next time he saw her, he would bring up the book and that fateful day on the beach when they were 15.

But he hadn't.

It had been several days, and each time Paul opened his mouth to speak about it, he chickened out. Or he saw Rachel in his mind and the guilt would overtake him. Part of him felt like he needed to talk about it with Briony, if anything to get out of his head and stop obsessing over all of it. Christ, it was 12 years ago. And he had imprinted on someone else.

Why was that one moment in their shared past now stuck in his head?

"It's starting to look good," Paul said, looking back into the house.

"Yea, the upstairs furniture should be in tomorrow," Briony said with a sigh. Paul looked over at her as she poured a glass of lemonade and handed it over to him.

She seemed calmer. More rested. The bright glint that had always been in her eyes before was starting to come back. Perhaps she was finally getting better. Paul felt a warmth spread in his chest. Briony was going to be okay, he could feel it.

That was good… wasn't it?

"Just wish I had my kitchen," Briony said, sitting down and shooting him a wry smile. "You have no idea what it's like being unable to cook."

"Sure it won't be much longer until Embry is done with it," Paul said, glancing back into the house to escape her piercing gaze.

For a moment, it felt like the old days when Briony knew in a glance that something was wrong. Sometimes he swore she could read his mind. Would that have come back this quickly?

"How was the clinic today?" Briony asked. Paul looked over at her, eyebrows raised.

"Normal," he said, reaching for his glass and taking a sip. "Helped with a few procedures, but not much going on… you know how small towns are…"

"Yea," Briony said, tilting her head to the side as she studied him.

Shit. She knew. She always fucking knew. Granted, Paul wasn't exactly sure just what it was she knew since he couldn't seem to figure it out himself.

He knew that he had thought about that kiss far too many times the last several days. About Briony in general. He knew he felt a certain way when he thought about her, even if he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. But then just as quickly, the pain would overwhelm him and all he could see was Rachel's face.

However… there was a part of Paul that was curious. If Briony had stayed in town - if she had never left - would everything have been the same? Would he have still imprinted on Rachel? There still wasn't a lot that he understood about imprinting - namely exactly how it knew who to choose. Sure, everyone had their theories, but no one really knew for sure. For all he knew, it could have ended up in the same situation as Sam, Emily and Leah. And while he was most definitely sure that he couldn't imprint a second time - it had never happened as far as he was aware - he couldn't help but wonder what, if anything, would have been different if she had never left.

But there it was again. Just as he started going down that trail, his chest ached, and his mind filled with Rachel. Her smile. Her hair blowing in the breeze. And then the guilt. How could he ever think there was a chance there could have ever been anyone else for him?

"What's going through that head of yours, Paul?" Briony asked gently as she sat up in her chair, a soft smile on her face.

Paul's eyes widened as he realized he had been staring off into space. Shit. What did he say to her?

"I… nearly finished the books," he said.

No. That's not what he should talk about. That would lead to the scene where they kissed. And while he wanted to talk about it, he also didn't.

Briony's eyes widened in surprise.

"That's fast," she said with a chuckle. Paul shrugged, looking down at his glass.

"They're easy reads," he commented. "I mean… yea… they go by fast… like I said, you've always been a good writer."

He glanced up at her, seeing a light blush come over her cheeks as she looked away from him.

"I really like them," he continued.

"It means a lot… to hear that you like them," Briony said with a sigh of relief. "Honestly, I was worried you might be angry."

Paul frowned. Why would she think that? There was nothing in there that made him look bad or that the others didn't already know, thanks to pack telepathy.

"I'd never be upset about the books," he said seriously. "I mean… brought up a lot of memories, but… I'm not angry about you using them in the books."

Suddenly, his mouth went a bit dry.

This was why he wanted to talk to her, wasn't it? Did he want to talk about this? Paul took a deep breath, preparing himself. He wasn't exactly sure where to start. But just as he opened his mouth, Briony's phone went off. Both of them jumped slightly as she looked over and picked it up.

"Sorry… I should take this," she said, offering him an apologetic smile as she stood and quickly walked into the house.

Paul took another deep breath and stood, walking over to the railing and looking out over the ocean as he went over just what it was he wanted to talk about.

"Hey, Viv," he heard Briony say. He glanced over his shoulder, realizing that she didn't know that he could hear her. Of course, she couldn't.

She didn't know the full truth about him.

Paul cleared his throat and thought about stepping farther away to give her more privacy. She obviously didn't want him to overhear whatever it was.

"Okay. All the arrangements are made then?" Briony asked. "Okay… yea… I just got the ticket. I'll be back in LA next week…"

Paul froze, latching onto those words. She was going back to LA. The pain in Paul's chest seemed to intensify as he felt his chest tighten. He wasn't sure why, but it felt like the world was spinning around him. Paul reached down and gripped the railing tightly.

It shouldn't be such a surprise that she would want to go back. She was doing better, after all. He had seen it with his own eyes. But still, she was leaving. She was leaving him. Everyone left him. Why should Briony be any different?

"Paul, you okay?"

He spun around, his eyes wide as he fought to keep control. He could feel his emotions starting to whirl inside him and his wolf was pushing to the surface. Paul knew that he couldn't risk phasing. Not here and not in front of Briony. He needed to get it under control and leave.

"Yea, fine," he said, taking deep soothing breaths.

Briony frowned as she stepped closer to him.

"Are you sure? You don't look so hot," Briony said cautiously.

"Really, I'm fine… you should… stay over there," he said, closing his eyes.

But then he felt soft hands gripping the sides of his face. Paul breathed through his nose, which was probably not such a good idea. He was suddenly overwhelmed by her scent. It felt like home. There was something familiar in her touch, but different at the same time.

It was what Rachel did to calm him. And somehow it was starting to work even though it wasn't Rachel doing it. How could this be happening? Just as he thought that, the calm started to recede.

"Paul… what's going on? You can tell me," he heard her say softly. He started shaking from trying to keep in control. "Look at me…"

Paul took another deep breath and slowly opened his eyes, seeing Briony's face right in front of his own, her green eyes full of worry. For some reason, he latched onto them, finding his heart had begun pounding, though he found it slightly easier to keep his control.

Fuck, this constant up and down was going to kill him.

"What are you not telling me?" Briony murmured. "You know I'm here for you…"

"I know," he breathed, continuing to stare into her eyes. Briony swallowed and began rubbing his cheeks with her thumbs.

"It's okay…"

Paul stared down at her, everything running through his head. All the worry he felt for her. Seeing her break down at her house the other night. But then her smile. Laughter from the movie. Briony helping him with his homework. Listening to her tell him stories.

The kiss on the beach.

For some reason, that was the memory that his mind decided to latch onto while all the others slipped through like water. His eyes drifted down for a moment, looking at her lips. But then he brought them back up to her eyes, not wanting to believe that the thought was even crossing his mind.

Everything was far too overwhelming. He needed to get away. Right now. But he couldn't move. His feet wouldn't let him. Not to mention, Briony was still holding his face.

"Paul…" she whispered.

He licked his lips and then suddenly, it was as if something took over him. He bent down. Part of him expected her to pull away. But she didn't. Instead, she went up on her toes. It was happening all too slow and all too fast at the same time.

He pressed his lips against hers and froze for a moment. Until Briony began to move her own. Paul's hands came to rest on her hips as he pulled her close, feeling her body mold against his. It was far better than their few shared kisses when they were 15. Briony's hands moved from his face to his neck.

The kiss picked up in intensity rather quickly, his hands were roaming everywhere, pulling her closer. His fingers became tangled in her hair. For a few blessed moments, everything left. The pain. The bad memories. All of it.

But just as quickly, it all came crashing back.

Paul stepped back quickly, causing Briony to stumble slightly. She stared at him, her eyes wide as the realization of what just happened settled in. They didn't say anything for a while, just stared at each other.

"I need to go," Paul said.

Before she could say anything, Paul turned and tore through the house and out of the front door. He then got into his truck and took off down the lane, his hands starting to shake under the effort of keeping in control. Hot tears filled his eyes.

"What have I done?" he murmured as his mind filled with Rachel.

* * *

_Paul paced around the small apartment, running his fingers through his hair. He then stopped and looked down, seeing his bloody knuckles. Shit. He shouldn't have gone to that party. Though he didn't struggle with keeping his anger in control nearly as much as he had when he was younger, it still sometimes only took one look or one comment. And this time it had been in a cramped house. He could have seriously hurt someone. Hurt Rachel._

" _Paul, look at me."_

_He looked over, seeing her standing with a worried look nearby. She walked over to him, but he backed up._

" _You should stay away," he said, putting his hands up. Rachel sighed, her look turning slightly stormy._

" _Paul Lahote, how long have we been together?" she asked sternly. He didn't reply, just looked to the ground. "I told you… I'm not afraid of you. You won't hurt me."_

" _But I could," he said, just as sternly, looking up to meet her eyes. "You… you shouldn't be around me-"_

" _Shut the fuck up and listen to me," she said, cutting him off. "I love you, Paul. And not just because of the imprint. I could have chosen to walk away, but I didn't. Because I want to be with you."_

" _But-"_

" _You got it under control! And Mason was being a dick. Honestly, it was only a matter of time before he got himself punched," she shouted._

_She closed the distance between them as Paul looked away again, shame coursing through him. He then felt her hands on his cheeks, guiding him to look at her. All he could see was worry in her eyes. And love. For him._

" _It's okay," she said softly. "You need to talk to me…"_

_Paul shook his head, not wanting to burden her with all the thoughts running around in his head._

" _You can always talk to me, Paul. You don't have to hold it in anymore," she said gently. He swallowed, staring into her eyes. "I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I love you."_

_Paul took a deep breath and then reached out, pulling her close as he wrapped his arms around her. He breathed in her scent, feeling calm start to course through him. He knew that he didn't deserve her, but here she was all the same._

" _Sometimes… it's just hard to stop," he said softly._

" _I know… but you are doing better," she replied. Paul tightened his grip on her. "You can do this."_

_Rachel stepped back and looked up at him, smiling slightly._

" _You just gotta believe in yourself a bit more."_

_Paul chuckled and shook his head._

" _What would I do without you?" he asked before kissing her forehead._

" _Pretty sure you'd be okay," Rachel said wryly. Paul snorted. "Maybe get yourself locked up a time or two, but you're a fast learner."_

" _Seriously, Rach," he said, rolling his eyes. Rachel pulled him back close to her and kissed him soundly._

" _I love you," she said softly afterwards._

" _I love you too…"_

* * *

" _What's this? Why are you all broody?"_

_Paul looked over, watching as Rachel walked into the living room and sat next to him on the couch. He sighed and looked around the room. It wasn't bad as far as houses went, but he knew Rachel didn't want to stay in La Push. And here they were. It was only supposed to be for a little bit. Until he could get his father's things in order. And then three years had passed. Paul couldn't help but feel as though he was falling short._

" _Just… rough day," he said. Rachel chuckled as she ran her fingers through his hair. Instantly, he felt calmed by her touch._

" _I may not have pack telepathy, but you know I can tell when you're lying," she replied. Paul sighed and looked over at her._

" _Are you happy here?" he asked. Rachel smiled softly._

" _Ah, and the roles have reversed," she mused. She pulled her legs up into his lap and wrapped her arms around him, Paul immediately doing the same and pulling her close. "I'm always happy with you, Paul. You know this."_

" _Yea, but… I know moving back here for so long… wasn't really in the books," Paul said, still frowning._

" _So? Lot's of things are never in the books. We can't plan everything, Paul," she said. "And I told you a long time ago… as long as I'm with you, I'm happy."_

" _But wouldn't you be happier somewhere else?" he asked. Rachel shrugged._

" _Maybe? I don't know. Won't know unless we go somewhere else," she said. "And we can do that if we want. Or we can stay here a bit longer."_

" _I just want you to be happy," Paul said._

_Rachel laughed and sat up, pulling him to look at her._

" _And I am happy. With you," she said firmly. "I love you, Paul. Never doubt that."_

_He stared at her a few moments, not quite believing how lucky he was. That of everyone, he imprinted on this amazing woman. She was infinitely patient with him. Even when Paul felt he didn't deserve it. And he got to spend the rest of his life with her._

_Rachel leaned forward and kissed him._

" _All I need is you," she said softly, a smile filling her face._

" _I would do anything for you," he said._

" _I know," she replied, smirking. "But we can worry about moving or whatever later. It's not something we have to decide right this minute. We've done it before. Pretty sure it's not that hard."_

_Paul couldn't help but smile and chuckle._

" _Ah, there's a smile. Finally," Rachel said._

_Paul stared at her a few moments and then started to grin. In one smooth movement, he was up on his feet, lifting Rachel into his arms as she gave a whoop._

" _PAUL!"_

* * *

Briony sat on the deck, staring out at the ocean. For once, she was glad that Embry wasn't set to come over. She needed time to think and process. Her fingers came up and gently brushed her lips. Of all the things that could have happened, that kiss was the absolute last thing she expected. Even a few days later, she still couldn't believe it had happened.

But it had been nice. At first, at least. But then when he had pushed away from her, the look on his face.

Briony shook her head and then massaged her temples. Something before that had upset him, this she knew. When she had come back from taking Vivian's call to tell him she had to go back to LA for a few days to take care of some things before they started showing the house, he looked as though he was about to lose it. The pain was so stark in his eyes. But what could have set it off? What's more, how did he go from that to kissing her?

There was a lot Paul wasn't telling her.

Sighing, Briony reached for her mug of coffee, glancing at her phone. She knew that he needed space - likely to process everything as well. That was the only reason why she hadn't contacted him yet. But she hoped maybe he would contact her. Briony snorted. If there was anything she learned since coming back, it was that this new version of Paul didn't reach out. But maybe there was a small part of the old Paul in there and he would.

Anger and guilt rolled through her. This was her fault. She should have stopped him. She should have never kissed him back. She should have talked him down. Made him talk about whatever it was that was bothering him.

"What the fuck did I do…" she murmured.

_Briony smiled as she leaned against the patio doorframe, watching Brandon as he sat in the back garden, his head back and eyes closed, a smile on his face. The weather was amazing, as it usually was in LA. And he was having a rare good day. She wasn't sure how many of these days they would get before the end._

_Her smile faded as tears pricked her eyes. She tried not to think about it too much, but it was never far from her mind. She wouldn't have much longer with him._

* * *

" _Stop it, Bri."_

_She started just a bit, though Brandon's eyes were still closed._

" _Get over here and sit with me. Stop staring at me like I'm sick or something," he continued, the smile clear in his voice._

_Sighing, she walked over and sat down in the chair next to him just as he opened his eyes._

_Turning his head, he smiled and reached out for her hand. Briony gripped it as tightly as she dared, worried she would hurt him. He was already dealing with a fair amount of pain as it was, though he tried his best not to show it._

" _I'm not dead yet, Bri," he said softly._

" _I know," she whispered._

_Brandon stared at her a few moments and then squeezed her hand again._

" _I need you to do something for me," he said. "When I'm gone."_

_Briony's throat closed slightly, leaving her unable to speak, so she just nodded in return and tried her damndest not to start sobbing._

" _Keep living, will you? There's going to be so much life left for you. I don't want you to stop just because I'm not here," he said softly. "I know it's not going to be easy for a bit. But the last thing I want is for you to just shut down and shut everyone out because of this."_

_Briony looked down at their hands, the tears already starting to fall down her cheeks._

" _You know you're the only one for me," she said softly. Brandon chuckled._

" _You're 27, Bri. And successful. Talented. Beautiful. I highly doubt that," he replied. Briony looked up at him. "I just… I want you to know that it's okay, you know. If you want to move on some day."_

_His bright smile had returned, filling his whole face. Though he looked tired and all of his hair had long since fallen out, Briony thought he was still every bit as handsome as the first day that they met._

" _Whatever you do, don't give up," Brandon said. "On yourself. On being happy again. On life… on… just everything, okay? I can't go on into the hereafter without hearing you say that you'll take care of yourself."_

" _I will," Briony vowed. "I promise, I won't give up…"_

* * *

Briony's eyes widened as she stared out at the sea, the memory so vivid in her mind. It was one of the last coherent conversations they had together. The tumors hit his motor functions first, but in the end, it hadn't taken long for them to overtake every part of his brain, leaving him in a mostly vegetative state.

But it was that conversation that had somehow gotten her to pull out of the darkness of those first few months without Brandon. He had wanted her not to give up. Yes, he was talking about her and all, but Briony felt like it was a fitting message for Paul right now.

Despite whatever was going on - whatever happened the other day - she wasn't going to give up on him. Not when he had been making progress.

She needed to talk to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to post the last chapters in one go, but fair warning, it's all pretty heavy until Chapt. 14. So... pace yourself if you need to for your own well-being.
> 
> Thanks for reading and following!


	12. We Can Never Go Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer - For those who have difficulty reading about death, this chapter has flashbacks to both Brandon and Rachel's deaths. So proceed with caution.

Paul sat on the couch, staring down at his coffee table covered in letters. He had nearly finished all of them, but for some reason he was struggling with Briony's. He knew that would be the hardest one to complete and it was why he had saved it until last. But he knew that he couldn't go through with his plans until he finished it. And he needed to soon. He couldn't take any more of this.

For a moment, his mind went back a few days. The feeling of Briony in his arms. Her lips on his. Soft, yet demanding. Her hands running up his back. The way she had pressed her body against his.

He then shook his head, pushing the images and sensations from his mind. He shouldn't have kissed her. He shouldn't have allowed it to go as far as it did. It would only hurt her more. Not to mention his own guilt. Paul had imprinted on Rachel. _She_ was his soulmate. Not Briony. There was no one else for him and never would be. He had a moment of weakness, and in that moment, he had hurt the both of them in ways that he could never forgive himself for. Besides, Briony was leaving him anyway.

He leaned over and rubbed his face, then glanced at his phone, seeing yet another missed call from Briony.

Of course, she wanted to talk about it.

But he didn't. Couldn't. How could he talk about this with her when he couldn't tell her so much? He couldn't tell her what he was. About the imprint. Make her understand the bond he had with Rachel and why he knew he had nothing left now that she was gone. He had been wrong to think that maybe Briony would understand. She wasn't part of this world of his and she never could be.

It was a moment of weakness. He wouldn't let it happen again. He needed to take care of this now. He had been distracted the last few weeks, but not anymore. Paul had to go through with this before something else distracted him.

A furious knocking on the front door tore him from his thoughts.

Paul looked up, frowning as he wondered who would be bothering him. Granted, he then had a pretty good idea who it might be and that alone kept him seated a few moments, thinking if he just ignored it, Briony would go away. But then it became clear that she wasn't going to give up and go home quietly. Besides, his truck was in front of the house, so she knew he was there.

Sighing, Paul pushed up from the couch and walked to the front door, deciding he would tell her to go away and then slam the door.

When he opened it, he saw a flushed Briony standing there, a look of shock on her face with her hand in the air as though she had been about to knock again.

"I can't talk about this," he said automatically.

"Tough shit, you're going to," Briony retorted, already pushing past him to get in the house. For a moment, he had a sense of deja vu. Hadn't Rachel done this exact thing a million times before?

He shook his head, trying to stay focused.

"Briony-"

"No, we're going to talk!" she shouted as she barged around him and into the living room.

It was then that Paul remembered the letters. Shit.

"Briony!"

But it was too late. As though some sort of cosmic string was guiding her, she saw the letters and immediately went over, picking one up. Paul groaned as he ran his fingers through his hair, wondering how he was going to get out of this.

He shouldn't have answered the damn door.

"Paul… what is this?" she asked softly.

He turned away, not wanting to see her face. He couldn't respond.

"Were… are you going to…"

He finally looked over at her, seeing her green eyes wide in shock as she stared at him, the letter still in her hand.

"Are you serious about this?" she asked, holding the paper up.

"You wouldn't understand," he started.

"I think I'm the only person who can understand," she replied. "How long have you been planning this?"

He looked away, feeling shame and guilt course through him. Of all the people to find out about his plans, it had to be Briony. Why was it always Briony? How had she somehow managed to sneak past all the walls he spent the last year building around himself?

"I think you should leave," he said, his voice firm.

"Fuck, no. I'm not leaving, Paul," Briony said, her voice rising.

Paul looked back at her, seeing the all too familiar angry spark in her eyes. The look of determination on her face.

"Please, Briony," he begged, already feeling his emotions beginning to swirl and rise in him. "Besides aren't you going back to LA anyway? Why does it matter?"

She stared at him in shock for a few moments.

"No! I… fuck!" she shouted as she started pacing around his living room. "I can't leave you alone! And I'm not going for good! I just need to get some things so I can sell the house."

"I want to be alone!" he shouted back, anger starting to take control of the crazy mess of emotions that were currently battling inside him. Though what she said about coming back stuck with him. She wasn't leaving for good? He pushed that aside. "It's none of your damn business!"

"It is my business, Paul! I care about you," Briony shouted back as she stopped her pacing and scowled at him. "I'm not going to let you do this!"

"It's my life!"

"Yes, and I'm trying to make sure you still have one!" she shouted. "I mean… is this about what happened the other day? The kiss?"

"No… yes… I…" Paul stopped speaking, shaking his head again. Fuck, he couldn't decide what to say.

"Please… don't do this because of me," she said desperately.

"This isn't about you, Briony," he said weakly. "Just… please go…"

She was stomping towards him, invading his personal space. Paul could feel his wolf already growling and snarling inside him, begging to be let out. And this time, he knew he was losing his grip on control.

This was worse than the day he kissed her. At least then he had managed to keep himself in check before he phased. This time he knew that his wolf wasn't going to take no for an answer.

"Seriously, Briony, you should leave!" he shouted, gritting his teeth together as he clenched his hands into fists. "It's not safe!"

"Hell yea, it's not safe! You're thinking about killing yourself!" Briony shouted, not backing down. "Christ! Did you even stop to think about how this would affect everyone else or are you too selfish to look past your own self-pity?!"

Paul closed his eyes, desperately fighting to keep in check. He breathed slowly in and out.

"Briony… you should leave… now," he replied, feeling his heart start to pound in his chest.

"No!" Briony shouted back.

Paul's eyes flew open and he knew that he couldn't fight it anymore. His wolf was going to come out. Now. And he couldn't let Briony stay anywhere near him. Not only could she not know, but she could get seriously hurt. And the last thing Paul wanted to do was to hurt her more than he already had.

Breathing heavily, he turned and started striding towards the back door of the house.

"Fuck no. You are not running away from this!" he heard Briony shout.

He knew that she was going to follow him as he picked up the pace, throwing the back door open and now running across the yard towards the forest. He needed to get far away before he phased.

"Where are you going?!"

He didn't reply as he pulled his shirt off, throwing it aside as the wind picked up. The smell of rain was heavy in the air and from the looks of the sky, it was going to start pouring any second.

"PAUL! GET BACK HERE!"

With a growl, he charged into the trees, running much faster as Briony's shouts grew softer. Finally, he could hold back no longer and leaped forward, his body shifting midair and ripping through his jeans. He landed on four paws and howled before taking off through the forest, running far faster now that he was in his wolf form.

The heavens opened up and the rain began to pour down, though he ignored it as he kept running.

Almost immediately, he could hear the others in his head, all shouting for him. There was no way to keep the secret now. They all knew everything. About his plans. The letters. The kiss with Briony.

_Paul?! Where are you going!?_

_STOP!_

_Come on, man! We need to talk about this._

"PAUL!"

He ignored all of them as he howled and continued running, not really caring where he was going as long as he got away from everything. A growl filled his throat as he pushed forward, the memories starting to overtake him.

* * *

_Paul rushed through the building, still not believing it. He had thrown his phone against the wall mid-call, shattering it to the point he was sure it didn't work anymore. But it wasn't as though it mattered. He didn't want to take anyone's calls anymore._

_He'd never hear her voice again._

_Paul came to a stop in a hallway, seeing Jacob standing next to his father, both of them with morose looks on their faces. Billy looked up, meeting his eyes as he sighed, and pain filled his expression._

" _Paul…" he started._

" _Where is she?" Paul demanded._

" _Seriously, Paul… you don't…"_

" _I NEED TO SEE HER!" Paul roared, but both Blacks didn't react. Didn't even flinch. He was breathing heavily as he struggled to keep himself in check._

_Paul ran his fingers through his hair, feeling hot tears fill his eyes as he looked away._

" _I just… I can't believe it," he said, this time a bit more softly._

" _She would want you to remember her how she was," Billy said gently._

_Paul looked back over at him as Jacob reached down and gripped his shoulder. The younger man then looked over and met his eyes. He gave a short nod and looked towards the double doors. Taking a deep breath, Paul walked over. He paused for a moment before pushing them open._

_The room was sterile and smelled like a hospital. But it wasn't a hospital. That's where they took people who could be saved. This is where people came when they were dead._

_Paul's eyes fell on the line of metal slabs in front of him, the one closest occupied by a figure covered in a white sheet. He took another deep breath and walked over, his footsteps echoing off the walls. He could feel his heart start to pound stronger with each step that brought him closer. Once he stood next to the table, he stared down at it, wondering if perhaps he was crazy. Why did he want to see this?_

_But then again, he knew that he needed to._

_Slowly, Paul reached down and grabbed the sheet, pulling it down. His breath hitched as he dropped the sheet and looked away, his hand coming to his mouth before he rubbed his face, tears streaming down his cheeks._

_It was true._

_A sound somewhere in between a sob and a groan filled the room. Paul then looked back down at the figure._

_Rachel's normally perfect skin was littered in cuts. Blood matted her long, luscious hair. Her eyes were closed as was her mouth, though a large cut ran through her lips._

_It was as if a deep chasm had opened up in his chest where his heart had been. He couldn't breathe and Paul knew he needed to get out of the room before he lost control, but he couldn't make himself move. Falling over slightly, he gripped the edge of the slab, deep, heart-wrenching sobs leaving his body. He then started shouting, incoherent words tumbling out of his lips. His eyes were locked on Rachel's body._

_Suddenly, there were strong arms around him, pulling him back._

" _NO! NO! I WANT TO STAY!" he shouted, his eyes still fixed on Rachel._

" _Come on, we need to leave," he heard Jacob say as he pulled him into a hold, still yanking him back._

" _NO!"_

_Paul swiveled and shoved Jacob away, watching as he flew into the door. Still breathing heavily, he turned back to Rachel._

" _Paul…"_

_Jacob was back on him, pulling him away. Paul struggled a bit longer before he stopped, dropping to the ground as he clung to Jacob and wailed. He knew he was making a scene, that his face was likely full of snot and tears. But he didn't care._

_Rachel was gone. The love of his life was gone. And he hadn't been there to protect her. Save her._

" _There was nothing you could do," Jacob said dully after Paul had finally calmed down, though he was still sniffling. "There was nothing any of us could have done…"_

" _I should have been there…"_

" _Stop, Paul…"_

_They were silent a bit before Paul stood and wiped his face. He looked at Rachel one more time before turning and walking out of the room, feeling his wolf starting to come to the surface._

_He needed to get out of there and fast._

* * *

Briony slid to a stop as she heard the howl. She had just run past the treeline and wasn't far from the house, but something about that howl struck her straight in the heart. Part of her was afraid, but she couldn't help but think that the animal that had made that sound was in deep pain.

As she stood there, the rain started pouring down. For a moment, she looked back over her shoulder, thinking she should go back and call the others. Tell them what she had found. Jared, Embry, and everyone else knew these woods better than her. They could go out and find Paul. Hopefully before he hurt himself.

She then looked back into the woods and knew that she couldn't stop. She needed to find Paul. If anyone understood what he was going through - the pain he was feeling - she did. She understood that she was the one who had to talk him out of this. While she had never gotten to the point of wanting to take her own life, she had often felt that she couldn't move forward without Brandon. That her life had no purpose.

And that was obviously what Paul was feeling right now.

She started walking again, moving as quickly as she could through the heavily wooded area as she fast became soaked in the downpour.

"PAUL!" she shouted, hoping he could hear here. That he would stop.

That she wouldn't be too late.

"We can talk about this!" she shouted desperately.

She stopped as she heard another howl and then a few more. She frantically looked around the forest, wondering how many wolves were out there. Of course, she knew that they lived around here, but she had never seen one herself.

But then determination filled her again as she started walking.

"PAUL!"

Onward she kept going, not sure if she was moving in the right direction. Paul ran far faster than she did and had disappeared into the trees before she had even made it out of the house. She kept shouting out his name, making herself hoarse. But still she shouted and yelled. Moving through the trees, though she often slid in the mud and nearly fell several times.

But she wasn't going to stop. Not until she found him and made sure he knew that he wasn't alone. That he still had her.

More than that, Briony knew that she couldn't lose someone else. She couldn't lose _Paul_.

* * *

_Briony sat in the chair, staring at the casket covered in flowers in front of her. She had cried so much in the days after Brandon died that she was sure there were no more tears left. And then this morning she nearly couldn't stop them again. But now, sitting here in front of their families and friends, she found that she couldn't muster even a tear. A cold numbness filled her as she stared at the flowers, not even registering what the pastor was saying._

_But just like that, it was over._

_She knew that she was supposed to do something. Say something. People were coming up to her, murmuring their condolences. Briony said the right words, though as soon as she said them, she couldn't remember just what it was that she said._

_Her father stepped over, awkwardly hugging her. He started to open his mouth, but then stopped and looked away. Next Brandon's parents came up to her, enveloping her in warm hugs._

" _Oh, Briony, sweetie," his mother whispered in her ear. "You know you're always welcome at ours."_

_She nodded, her eyes drifting back over to the casket._

" _You ready to get back, kiddo?" his father then said. Briony looked at him._

" _If it's alright, I… I need a minute," she said. They both nodded, giving her watery smiles before walking away._

_Briony walked up to the casket, placing her hand on the smooth surface. She didn't want to believe that he was in there. But he was._

" _Oh god, Bran," she whispered._

_Closing her eyes, she could feel the tears start to well up again._

" _What am I supposed to do?" she asked._

_**Live…** _

_She opened her eyes, staring down at the casket._

" _Kind of hard to do that right now," she murmured._

_She stood there for what felt like hours, the pain starting to emerge. It was a small prick in her chest and then it quickly spread, enveloping her. Briony's shoulders began to shake as she brought her hand to her mouth, attempting to hold her sobs in._

" _I can't do this, Bran… I can't…"_

_**Yes, you can…** _

" _Please don't make me do this alone…"_

_**You have to. Keep going, Bri… For me… Don't give up…** _

* * *

Briony continued on through the forest, a determined glare on her face.

"If I can do this… he can," she murmured to herself. "I can't lose Paul… Can't lose him…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea... this chapter had me ugly crying as I wrote it... But I felt the flashbacks were necessary to telling both Briony and Paul's stories...
> 
> Thanks for reading and following.


	13. I Still Choose You

Paul wasn't sure how long he had been running when he came to a stop, panting heavily. He knew that he should keep going. He wasn't far enough away, and the others would catch up to him quickly if he didn't keep moving.

The rain was still coming down strong, which would hopefully mask his scent enough that he could get a decent head start. He started running again, his wolf overjoyed to finally be let out after so long. Paul knew he would need a new plan. And fast. If the others caught up to him, there was no way they would let him out of their sight. Or worse, Sam would order him not to go through with it. And he wouldn't be able to fight it.

_Paul, stop!_

He didn't reply when he heard Jared's voice in his head, still running.

_We can talk about this!  
_

Onward he pushed, ignoring the chorus in his head. He then slid to a sudden stop as Jared and Sam leaped out from the trees in front of him. Jared was whining while Sam remained stoic, staring him down.

 _Please, don't do this,_ Jared pleaded.

 _It's my life,_ Paul snarled in return, hearing the rest of the pack now surrounding him.

Great. Now he would have to fight his way out.

_We know it's been hard since Rachel-_

_YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!_ Paul roared, cutting Jared off. _YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!_

 _I know that you would be hurting a lot more people if you do this,_ Jared returned. _Me. The rest of the pack. Briony._

_JUST SHUT UP!_

Paul bared his teeth at his best friend, already getting ready to launch onto him.

 _Just… let me go. Let me put myself out of my misery,_ he begged. _I can't keep living like this! Without her! I just want to be with Rachel!_

 _She wouldn't want you to do this,_ Jared shot back.

Paul had flashes of Rachel smiling at him. Holding his face in her hands. Telling him to have more faith in himself. He shook his head, banishing them.

 _How the hell would you know what she would want? She was my mate! My imprint! I have nothing without her,_ Paul growled.

 _We both know that's not true!_ Jared shouted back. _Come on, just… talk to us. We can help you!_

 _No one can help me!_ Paul shouted, starting to lose some of his fight as he whined. _Please… just let me go…_

Neither wolf in front of him moved, but Paul knew that they wouldn't. Not until he made his first move. But he also knew that neither would let him go quietly.

 _We can't do that, Paul,_ Sam said sternly. _We're a pack. Family. Family always takes care of its own._

 _But don't you see how much pain I'm in?_ Paul countered. _I can't… I can't do this anymore…_

He whined, pleading with his eyes for them to let him go. To let him do this. To finally end the pain that hadn't left since Rachel died.

Paul howled as the image of her broken body lying on the slab in the morgue filled his mind. Then her funeral. Seeing the coffin covered in flowers being lowered into the ground.

A deep pain entered his chest as he felt it crumble and open into a gaping hole. There was nothing that could fix it. All Paul wanted was for the pain to stop. And this was the only way he knew to do that.

_Let me go..._

* * *

_Paul sat on the beach, his arms wrapped around Rachel as they watched the sun set over the ocean. He sighed, a deep contentment coming over him._

" _I wish we could stay like this forever," he said after kissing the side of her head. Rachel chuckled, glancing up at him._

" _And miss out on all the excitement?" she asked, her eyes twinkling. Paul just snorted in reply. "I'm serious, Paul. There's a whole world out there for us to discover… together."_

_For a moment, his smile fell. He had always known that Rachel never wanted to stay in La Push. She was only staying now because they had imprinted, and Paul still had to finish high school. But already she had been talking about the two of them leaving. Him going to university._

" _Hey, now. What did I say?" she said. Paul looked down at her. "You'll get it under control. By the time you graduate, it'll be okay."_

" _Are you sure? I got into a fight with Quil the other day," he replied, still frowning._

" _Yea, because he was baiting you. You just need to learn how to hold back," she said._

_Paul tightened his hold on her._

" _I do feel calmer with you around," he said. Rachel laughed loudly._

" _Pretty sure my dad and brother would have something to say about me having a calming effect," she said, rolling her eyes._

" _But you do," Paul said seriously, looking down at her. "At least on me."_

" _Yea, but one of these days, you'll figure that out all on your own," she stated. It was Paul's turn to laugh loudly. "Seriously, Paul."_

_He stared down at her a few moments, still not quite believing that he had imprinted on her. Rachel Black. Jacob's older sister. He had always thought she was smart and pretty. But being four years older, he had felt he never had a chance with someone like her. And here they were. Sitting on the beach, wrapped up in each other's arms._

" _Trust me, life is going to be amazing. You'll love Seattle," she said, settling into his arms. "And really… we can do anything. You can do anything."_

_Paul started to smile, her enthusiasm filling him. Rachel was right. There was an entire world out there that they could conquer. Together. He couldn't wait to get started._

* * *

Paul shook his head, not sure why that memory had come to his mind. But the more he thought about it, the more his mind began to settle. Maybe what Jared was saying was right. But just as quickly, he pushed it aside. He needed to stay focused if he were going to get away from the pack.

_Guys! I can't find her!_

Paul turned his head, seeing Embry dash into the clearing and irritated with the interruption. What was he talking about? Couldn't find who?

 _Briony's not at the house but her car is still there,_ Embry continued. _The rain is too strong… I lost her scent…_

Immediately, Paul's heart seized in panic. Briony had followed him into the forest. In the rain. She didn't know it like they did and would easily get lost. Or worse. She would get hurt. There were tons of gullies and ridges throughout the woods. All it would take was one misstep.

In a second, his mind was filled with the image of Briony lying in some gully, bleeding. In pain. The life slowly leaving her eyes as she called for help that wouldn't come in time. She didn't deserve that.

Paul decided to put his own crisis aside for the moment. He needed to find Briony. Make sure she was safe. If she got hurt out here because of him, that was something Paul couldn't live with. Not that he intended to live that much longer.

He turned back to Sam and Jared, knowing they had already seen his thoughts.

 _We'll find Briony… and then we'll deal with this,_ Sam ordered.

Paul bobbed his head in acknowledgement and then turned back, starting to run in the direction he had come from, hoping to come across her scent. Searching for the familiar vanilla and lavender air that always seemed to surround her.

He only hoped that he wouldn't be too late.

* * *

Briony wasn't completely sure how she had ended up there, but she came to an opening in the trees and looked down, finding the beach. At least she now had an idea of where she was.

But she still hadn't found Paul and could barely speak after shouting his name for so long. She stumbled her way down a hill and walked to the beach, plopping down on the wet sand as the tears began pouring down her cheeks.

She had failed him. She couldn't find Paul. Just like she had failed Brandon.

Staring at the ocean, Briony felt her emotions welling up in her until finally she let out a scream, finding it was the only way to get out what she was feeling. Sobbing, she then dropped her face into her hands as pain overwhelmed her and squeezed her heart like a vice.

It was that day all over again.

In her mind, she saw Brandon lying lifeless on his bed, knowing he was gone, and she hadn't been there. Once again, Briony was too late. She was always too late. Why was she always too late? Was she destined to continue fucking up for the ones that she cared about?

* * *

_Briony leaned her head on Brandon's shoulder as they lay on the couch watching a movie. They had been holed up in the house for a few days now, avoiding everyone since they got the news. She had to admit that Brandon was taking it a lot better than she was. When the doctor told them that they had exhausted all the treatment options and the tumors were still growing, she wanted to shout and scream. Break something. But somehow, she had kept it together, knowing she needed to be calm and supportive for him._

" _It's not fair," Brandon finally said, breaking the near silence in the room._

_Briony sat up suddenly, her eyes wide as she looked over at him. His face was dark as his eyes remained on the TV. She reached over and took his hand, squeezing._

" _Fuck, I'm 27. This… This isn't fair," he said, angry tears starting down his cheeks._

_Briony was stunned into silence. This whole time, he had been strong. Optimistic. Even when the doctor spoke with them, he had smiled and thanked him for everything he had done to help in his treatment. The last couple days while he had been a bit more withdrawn than usual, it was strange to see him angry. Or maybe it shouldn't have been. He had, essentially, been given a death sentence at 27. Just when his career had been really building momentum._

_But Briony didn't know what to do or say to him, so instead squeezed his hand again as her own eyes filled with tears._

_Brandon sat up and leaned over, dropping his face in his hands after letting go of hers. Briony watched him for a few moments, feeling completely useless, before leaning over and wrapping her arms arounds him._

" _I'm here," she said softly. "I'm not going anywhere… I stay at your side for everything…"_

_Brandon didn't say or move at first. But then suddenly Briony felt his hand on her arm._

" _I promise… you're not going through this alone," she murmured._

" _I know… I'm sorry. I shouldn't take this out on you," he replied, his voice a bit strangled as he fought to keep control of his tears._

" _It's okay to be angry, you know," Briony said. "To want to yell and scream. It's okay. I know I'm angry… I want more time…"_

" _Me too, Bri… me too…"_

_Briony sat up as he turned to her, reaching out to caress her cheek._

" _I don't know what I'd do without you," he murmured._

" _Well, you never have to find out…"_

* * *

Briony stared at the ocean a bit longer as angry tears coursed down her cheeks. She had promised him that she would be at his side for everything. Everything. And then in the end, she hadn't been there when he needed her the most. She had stepped away to take a nap.

A fucking nap.

And now, when she needed to find Paul and let him know that he wasn't alone in this, she couldn't fucking find him. Unable to make her way through the woods after him. Yet again, she had failed to be there when she was needed the most.

"WHY!?" she shouted up at the sky, finally letting out all the anger and hurt pent up inside her. "WHY IS IT LIKE THIS!?"

Sobs continued to wrack her body as she shouted and yelled every obscenity that she knew at the gray sky, not caring that it was still raining, and she was wet, cold and muddy. If anyone came across her, they would probably think she was a lunatic. But Briony didn't care.

She needed to let this out. They could lock her up if they wanted, but she needed a release.

Finally, Briony stopped, finding that she had nothing left in her as she stared dully at the water. Who was she kidding? She thought perhaps she could help Paul. And for a time, she thought it was working. Now she knew differently.

She had screwed up by kissing him back.

And now this.

A cold dread filled her as she watched the waves crashing onto the beach, a bleak realization falling over her. If she couldn't help Paul, how could she ever expect to fix herself? A dull emptiness filled her chest. This was just how it was going to be from here on out. Forget the fact that she had started feeling better. That she thought she had been helping Paul get better. Despite all that, he was still intending to leave all of this behind. For a small moment, Briony wondered if he might be onto something. But then she dismissed the idea. She couldn't do that to her friends and family. Not so soon after Brandon.

"Briony!"

Briony whipped her head over, almost not believing her ears or her eyes as she saw Paul jogging up to her, now dressed in a pair of jean shorts. Pushing aside the musing at his wardrobe change, she pushed up to her feet and started striding towards him, her emotions immediately picking up again. She was part relieved, part angry and wasn't sure which to go with first.

"What the hell, Paul!" she shouted, shoving him as she reached him. Guess anger won.

He barely moved as he stared down at her. Christ, what was with him and his fucking internal furnace? Briony was shivering and he looked as though he barely felt the cold rain pouring down on him. It only added to her frustration.

"What the hell are you thinking?!" she shouted, surprised she still had a voice.

"I was thinking that I can't deal with this pain anymore," he said, losing his own fight with his emotions. Rather than remain expressionless, his face started to crumple slightly. "But what were you thinking? Running out into the forest in a rainstorm?! You could have gotten hurt or killed!"

"Do not turn this on me. If you're hurting, then you should have talked to me! Or… someone!" she shouted back, waving her arms wildly. "I'm trying to help you!"

"I didn't ask you to fix me, Briony!" Paul shouted. "You can't! No one can!"

Briony stared at him, feeling as though he slapped her in the face even though she had just been thinking the same thing. However, the desire to keep trying, to not give up welled up in her. She couldn't give up yet. Paul was still alive. There was still a chance she could get through to him. That she could make sure he stayed.

"Why won't you at least let me try!" she shouted. "Or anyone? I know Jared and Embry - all the others - they've been trying, but you won't let any of us in!"

Paul groaned and turned away from her, running his fingers through his wet hair.

"I told you… you can't understand," he retorted. "Rachel… she was my everything! My soulmate!"

"And you think Brandon wasn't mine?" Briony snapped. Surely, he wasn't turning this into a battle of the soulmates.

Why couldn't he understand? They were the same. She knew what he was feeling. What that pain was like. She was the only one who probably could. Paul turned back to her, his expression dark.

"It's not the same-"

"IT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING!" Briony shouted. "You think you have nothing! That she was your everything and now that she's gone there's no one that can replace her and there's nothing left to live for! THAT'S HOW I FEEL! THAT'S WHY I SPENT MONTHS UNABLE TO GET OUT OF BED! I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!"

Paul didn't reply as he stared at her in shock, clearly not expecting her to rail into him. That was fine to Briony. She was going to show him just how unwilling she was to let him go.

"Brandon was… is… he was my partner! And no one… I felt that no one understood me like him! And then… he was gone, and I didn't know what to do with myself! But I knew that I couldn't give up! He wouldn't want me to!" she shouted. "And I know that Rachel wouldn't want you to give up either! Not like this..."

Still Paul didn't reply. Briony growled in frustration and charged up to him, starting to punch his chest.

"You're a fucking idiot if you think you have nothing!" she shouted. "You have so much life left to live, Paul Lahote!"

Paul didn't move, just let her keep shouting at him as she hit him over and over again.

"And don't for one goddamn second think that no one would care if you were gone! I care!" she continued. "I CAN'T LOSE YOU, TOO!"

Paul then reached out and grabbed her wrists, holding them firmly as she struggled to get free. Without speaking a word, he pulled her to his chest, wrapping his arms around her as Briony slowly stopped struggling and held onto him tightly. Slowly, she felt the warmth from his body start to spread to her.

"I can't lose someone else," she sobbed. "Please… don't make me go through this again..."

Neither spoke for a time as Paul held her, allowing Briony to sob. After she had quieted down a bit, she looked up at him, finding his expression had softened, though the sheer depth of the pain in his eyes made her gasp. She still wasn't about to give up, though.

"Please," she begged.

Paul swallowed and pulled her close again.

"Come on… I'll take you home," he said, his voice cracking.

"Paul-"

"And then we'll talk," he continued, cutting her off.

Briony stepped back from him, shocked as she met his eyes again. She knew he was telling the truth.

"O… Okay," she said.

Paul nodded and let go of her, starting to walk down the beach towards her house. Neither said a word as Briony caught up to him and they made their way down the beach.

Without looking at him, Briony reached down and took his hand, holding onto it tightly, worried if she let go, he might disappear or change his mind and run off. They had just determined there was no way she could keep up with him.

Much to her happiness, Paul didn't pull away. Only tightened his grip. And for a moment, Briony began to hope.


	14. I Always Will

Paul watched as Briony quickly made up two mugs of tea from where he sat on the couch, wringing his hands slightly. He knew it was his idea to come here. To talk. But now that the moment was upon him, he wasn't sure where to start and if he could even do this.

It had been so easy with Briony in the past. And then with Rachel. But this was so much more than talking about his anger issues. This was talking about his pain, revealing the deepest, darkest parts of his soul. Paul still wasn't sure he wanted to burden Briony, of all people, with this. But there was something about the way she had yelled at him on the beach and then broke down, begging him not to go through with his plans, that finally broke through the walls he had built around him.

It was just a tiny crack, but Paul felt like Briony was about to take a flipping sledgehammer to it.

Now dressed in dry clothing, though her hair was still wet, Briony walked over and held one of the mugs to him. Silently, he took it as she sat on the sofa. She didn't talk, waiting for him to speak first. The only sound was the rain pouring down on the roof.

Paul looked down at the mug and took a deep breath.

"I'm not sure where to start," he admitted.

"Usually the beginning helps… tell me how you and Rachel got together," Briony replied softly. He glanced up at her and nodded before looking back down at his mug.

"We always knew each other - but you knew that. La Push is small, and everyone knows everyone… But Rachel had gone off and made it pretty clear she didn't intend to come back," he said. A soft smile came over his face. "So, I was shocked when she came back for a visit and… started showing an interest in me… I mean, I was 17 at the time… pretty much ever teen boy's dream, I think…"

"I always remembered that she was so cool and pretty," Briony added when he stopped to take a drink.

Paul looked up at her, noticing she had a warm smile on her face. He nodded, stalling a bit as he thought about exactly how to explain his relationship with Rachel without mentioning the pack or imprinting.

"It all happened so fast, to be honest. And it was… intense. From the get-go we were… from zero to 100, it feels… She ended up moving back to La Push to be with me until I graduated. And then we moved to Seattle so I could do undergrad and vet school," he said. "I wanted to make her happy… protect her… and it was the least I could do for everything she did for me…"

Paul stared at his mug, not wanting to meet Briony's eyes for this.

"I was a bit… volatile when I was a teen. Got into far too many fights. Dad wasn't sure what to do with me. But then Rachel happened and… she just knew exactly what to do or say to calm me down. Got me to… talk about things. And she just did it naturally," he said, feeling his heart clench in pain. "When she… well… without her… I wasn't sure if I could continue with it…"

Paul closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"She had gone to Port Angeles… to get me a birthday present," he said. "It was raining, but the weather wasn't that bad… it got worse, though and… knowing Rachel, she probably thought she could make it back. And she should have, when I think about it… but the rain got worse and worse… then she…"

He stopped speaking a moment, going back to that day. Getting the phone call from Chief Swan.

" _I'm so sorry, Paul… she must have taken the curve too fast and…"_

Then he was in the coroner's office, pulling the sheet down. He hadn't wanted to believe it was true, but there was no denying it then.

His Rachel. His everything. She was gone. And she wouldn't be coming back. And he had lost his center of gravity. His world had been spinning off center and wildly around him ever since.

"They said that… she died on impact," Paul continued, opening his eyes, though he didn't look at Briony. It was easier to talk without looking at her. "So there's that, but… I just… it was like this pain unlike anything I ever felt before… it just filled my chest and it wouldn't go away…"

He felt a pressure on his arm and looked over, seeing that Briony had reached out to him. He found that slight touch, it helped. That even though it hurt, and he was sure he was fumbling his words, it was okay. He could talk about this with Briony. He was safe with her. He looked up, meeting her eyes. There was no pity there. Just understanding. She still didn't say anything.

"I… it's hard to explain, but… from the moment Rachel and I got together… she became my world. Everything was about her," he said. "And when she was gone… I was lost. Still feel lost. I don't know what to do and… the pain… it won't go away."

Briony frowned as she squeezed his arm. Paul looked away, staring at his mug again.

"I feel like… I don't have anything without her…"

"That's not true," Briony said softly. Paul looked up at her.

He wanted to believe her. Staring into her eyes right now, he felt like he was standing on the edge of belief and all he needed was a slight push in the right direction. But it couldn't be true. There was no way. What did he have? Okay, so he had a job. A roof over his head. But that didn't seem to matter as much with Rachel gone.

"You have the others - Jared, Embry. I know you see them as family. They _are_ your family and they care about you," Briony said, her voice full of conviction. "And you have me, Paul. Always will…"

It had been far too long since he had heard that phrase. But even after all the years, it still had the power to transport him back. To 12 years ago… the last time he and Briony had sat down and had a serious conversation...

* * *

_Paul stared out at the waves, anger coursing through him. It wasn't fair. Briony couldn't go. Why the hell would this guy - whoever he was - suddenly decide that now he wanted to be a father? That's not what real fathers did. They were there through thick and thin._

_Now he was going to lose her. There was nothing they could do about it. No matter how much Briony had yelled and cried and protested, or how much her grandparents had tried to fight it, the court had ruled with her father. She was flying out to LA tomorrow to live with him. And Paul didn't know when or if he would see her again._

" _We can stay in touch, you know," Briony said softly._

_He looked over, seeing her staring out at the ocean, her green eyes swimming in tears._

" _Phone calls. Letters," she continued._

" _It won't be the same," Paul said._

_She looked over at him, offering a watery smile. He reached over and took her hand, squeezing it as another spike of anger went through him, though this time directed at himself for waiting so long to come clean to Briony about his feelings for her. He had spent all summer working up the courage to tell Briony that he liked her. To kiss her. And then just after he finally did - but before they could fully define whatever this was - they found out that she was to go to LA._

_Briony sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder._

" _I'll be back," she vowed. "It's just until I graduate high school and then I'll move back."_

_But that felt like it was forever away. They were only 15. They still had to go through four years of high school. But Paul knew he could do it. He could wait for her. Briony was certainly worth waiting for in his mind._

" _What am I going to do without you?" he moaned dramatically, hoping to ease a bit of the sadness hanging in the air. Briony chuckled as she looked up at him._

" _You'll survive, Lahote," she replied._

" _But… you've always been here," he continued. Briony sighed, blinking rapidly against the tears._

_God, he didn't want her to go. Who would look out for her? Help her with her math and science homework? Listen to her story ideas and tell her which ones were the best?_

" _And I'll always be here for you… just long distance... But I'll come visit. I promise," she said. "Grams and Papa still live here… so it's not like I'll never be back…" She then sat up and looked at him. "You'll look out for them for me, won't you?"_

" _Course, Bri," he said immediately. She nodded and looked back out at the ocean, a pink tint starting to color her pale cheeks._

" _So… I…" she stopped speaking, her brow furrowing._

_Paul gulped, having a pretty good feeling what she was trying to say. His heart started racing slightly as his mouth went dry. He gripped her hand tighter. Briony looked over at him and started laughing._

" _Sheesh, you look terrified," she said._

" _I'm not," Paul replied, frowning. Briony rolled her eyes._

" _I wasn't about to say 'I love you,' if that's what's got you worried," she quipped._

_Paul felt his heart drop slightly. While it had been scary and that was completely what he had been expecting her to say, he couldn't help but feel disappointed._

" _Oh," he said simply._

_Briony chuckled as she shoved his shoulder slightly with her own._

" _God, we're only 15. We don't say things like 'I love you'. And I don't, by the way… love you, that is… I mean like_ _ **that**_ _," she said, rambling a bit. She stopped for a moment before continuing. "But… I always will…"_

_Paul met her eyes, a smile stretching across his face._

" _Yea… same… I don't love you… like_ _ **that**_ _... but I always will…"_

* * *

Paul blinked a few times, looking back up at Briony and meeting her eyes. She smiled softly as she moved her hand down to his, squeezing it.

"I meant it… I always will," she said softly.

Paul couldn't speak as he stared at her, finding that finally, the pain in his chest started to recede. It wasn't a lot, but enough that he noticed. A strange feeling started to come over him. It had been such a long time since he felt it that he nearly didn't recognize it.

It was something like hope.

* * *

Briony took a deep breath and slowly let it out. After listening to Paul, she felt that it was only fair that she open up in return. She knew how hard it was for Paul to talk to her and she didn't want this to be a one-way street.

"When we found out about Brandon being sick… it was… devastating. He had had some headaches," she started, looking down at her mug. Paul squeezed her hand, encouraging her to keep going with his touch much like she had with him. "I never thought it would be cancer. But Bran… he was determined. He was going to be one of the ones that made it… beat the odds. And for a time, I thought he was going to…"

She stopped speaking a few moments, going back to that time. The endless hospital visits. The treatments that would work for a time. They would get their hopes up. And then they would stop working and the tumors would grow back.

"But throughout it all, he was so… optimistic… and when we knew that… that there was nothing else they could do… I mean, he had moments here and there, for sure, but… he still… he was still hopeful. For me," she said.

She looked over at the bookshelf, seeing her books that Paul had sent over the other day now back in their spot.

"I promised that I would stay by his side through it all. That he wasn't alone in this..."

Her voice cracked as she stopped speaking and tears filled her eyes. She took a deep breath and closed them, the tears falling down her cheeks.

"And then I couldn't even keep that promise… In the end… I had sat up with him all night. The nurse told me to get some rest. I left for… five minutes to take a nap… and he was gone," she whispered.

Her eyes opened as she took a shuddery breath.

"I promised him that he wouldn't die alone. That I would stay by his side… and then… I stepped away and he was gone. When he needed me, I wasn't there," she said.

"That's not your fault," Paul said immediately. She looked over at him. "How could you know? And you can't be there every second, Bri. No one would hold that over you."

"But I promised… and I keep thinking… and worrying… Was he scared? Because I wasn't there..."

Briony felt the familiar guilt and worry fill her. It was the main thing that haunted her dreams. That Brandon had been lying there, in pain and scared, as he died. No one to hold his hand or comfort him. Specifically, her. She _was_ his wife.

"You know… I've heard that… sometimes when people know they are dying… you know, their time has come," Paul said in a gentle tone that Briony hadn't heard in years. "They don't want to put their family through the trauma of watching them die… they wait until they leave the room and then… that's when they choose to go… Maybe that was Bran… he didn't want to put you through that..."

Briony stared at him, the tears still streaming down her cheeks. She had heard that before, but for some reason, this was the first time she had considered it. It did sound like Brandon. A small smile tugged at her lips as she wiped her cheeks.

"God… look at us. We make a messed-up pair," she said, sniffling.

"Yea," Paul agreed, an odd look on his face as he looked down at his mug again. He then turned his body towards Briony, his knee brushing against her leg. "You need to keep going, Bri. You said that Brandon wanted you to keep going, living. So, you should."

Briony's eyebrows raised in surprise. It was much like the day he insisted that she make her books into movies. Seemed Paul still had no regard for himself.

"Could say the same for you," she replied evenly.

He winced slightly but nodded.

"Suppose you have a point there. Just… it's hard when your biggest motivator is gone," he said, not meeting her eyes. Briony looked over at the bookshelf.

"I can't write," she admitted. She could feel Paul looking at her. "I try, but since Brandon died… I can't do it… and I'm afraid that I'll never write again…"

"You will," Paul said, his tone clear that he thought it ridiculous that she'd never write again. "It's just… it's what you do."

"Yea, and now, I can't," Briony almost snapped at him. She then took a deep breath, calming herself. It wasn't Paul's fault. "Writing was… you know how important it is to me… I mean, I thought I had a chance to move on from Bran… until I discovered I couldn't write…"

She went silent, feeling Paul watch her. Finally, she heard him take a deep breath.

"You're right… we are a pair," he admitted. Briony looked back over at him. "But… I have to believe that it'll come back to you. I know it will…"

Briony snorted slightly - how the tables had turned.

"And how do you know that?" she asked, a bit incredulous.

"Because… There are a lot of things I stopped doing or couldn't do after Rachel… and suddenly… I find myself starting to do them again," he said, his voice holding more resolution than she had heard there in a while.

Briony had to admit she was surprised, yet still happy, with the sudden change. But at the same time, she found herself a bit confused, wondering why he wouldn't just come out and say what it was. But then again, she still appreciated the sentiment.

"And… I think all of this… talking… and… it _is_ because of you," he said, not meeting her eyes. He was silent a few moments before looking back at her. "I think… us getting back in contact… it was all… meant to happen."

Briony sniffled as she started grinning while the tears filled her eyes yet again. There it was. A small bit of hope in his eyes. She couldn't help as it started spreading to her.

"Bri… I… I don't want to die," Paul admitted, blinking as tears filled his eyes. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this… but… I don't want to give up…"

"Paul," she gasped softly. She quickly put her tea mug down and reached out to him, pulling him close as she felt his shoulders start to shake. "I'm here… like I said… always."

"It still hurts," he replied.

"I know… I know how that feels. I feel it too," she whispered. "But you have to keep talking… when you feel like this… please… call me…"

She felt him nod. Briony pulled back slightly, needing to see his face. Staring into his dark brown eyes, Briony realized in that moment that she hadn't been fixing him - not really. This whole time, Paul had been fixing her.

"I don't love you… but I always will," she whispered, the memory of that day when they were 15 filling her mind.

Paul chuckled and pulled her back to him, his warmth quickly filling her. Briony found that she didn't want to let go.

* * *

The house was quiet as Briony made her way to the sink with the mugs. She and Paul had spent the day talking about everything. It was as though the floodgates had opened and neither could stop.

There had been laughter. And quite a few tears. A bit of anger. But she felt as though they had both made a giant step forward. More than that, she felt as though she had her old friend back. He was now settled in the guest room, exhausted from the overemotional day. They had called Jared and he promised that he and Embry would bring her car by tomorrow. He was relieved that Paul was with her and seemed to have turned a corner.

Briony stretched as she walked into the living room to turn off the lights before she headed to bed herself. She then stopped, her eyes falling on her closed laptop.

It started as just a small niggle in the back of her mind. A fleeting thought. But it was there. Without thinking, Briony found herself sitting on the couch and opening her laptop. She stared at the screen a few moments and then suddenly her fingers were on the keys.

She started out slowly, but then her fingers picked up the pace as she kept writing. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she stopped and stared down at the screen, in awe of how much she had gotten down.

Tears slowly filled her eyes as she went back to the top and softly read the first line out loud.

"The day we met was like any other day. But at the same time, it wasn't. I was 15 years old and it was the first day of school. I was alone and scared. But then he walked up…"

She sat back on the couch and looked up at the bookshelf, her eyes falling yet again on the books, reading over the titles.

It was time. Time to write this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, we get the story of the title. Again, I got the idea from the song "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars. For some reason, I felt like it fit...


	15. No Place Like You

Paul took a sip from his beer and casually glanced around the rather large group of people milling around Briony's deck and even out onto the beach. It seemed in just the few months she had been back, she had not only reconnected with everyone from her past, but also managed to make a fair amount of new friends.

All of their friends from La Push were there - wives, husbands, and families in tow. Sam was on the beach with his two kids while Emily was in the kitchen helping Briony and her best friend Tanya - who had flown up from LA for a couple weeks - with the food. Embry stood in another small group, grinning brightly at the large amount of praise he was getting for the now-completed renovation on the cabin.

Even Paul had to admit that it looked amazing. It always looked great to him, but Embry had managed to update not only the look, but the amenities as well. And after a quick trip back to LA, Briony had finally - officially - settled into her new home. The house in LA had sold rather quickly and thankfully hadn't required she be gone long. Which had been a blessing. Even just those few days had Paul feeling unsettled.

But that had passed as soon as she got back.

And tonight was about the housewarming, Paul told himself, focusing his thoughts on the house as he studied it. Paul had been considering hiring Embry to take on his house but hadn't managed to get around to asking yet as he was also considering finally moving out. Perhaps it was time to leave all the memories - good and bad - behind and finally move forward in a big way. But still, he wasn't completely sure.

Part of him wasn't ready to let go of Rachel. Though with each passing day, he found the pain lessened. It got easier to breathe. A lot of the anxiety he had had over the last year disappeared as he started phasing more regularly. He felt himself finally starting to feel more comfortable in his own skin again.

Since that day on the beach, Paul found himself a nearly daily visitor to Briony's, finding the home once again held all the warmth and happiness that it did when he was a kid, even if the furniture and decor were all new.

It started out gradually. As Briony got more and more of her kitchen back, she started inviting him over for dinner a few nights a week. And then gradually Paul found himself spending more time there than he did at home. Another reason he was considering moving. What was the point in keeping a house he was hardly ever in? He had actually been looking at a little place that was on the market not far from Briony's. The idea of starting over somewhere, starting fresh, really appealed to him. The fact that it was near Briony was just icing on the cake.

"Still playing the loner, are we?"

Paul looked over, watching as Jared walked up to him, smirking. Paul rolled his eyes and took a drink of his beer.

"I'm here, aren't I?" he retorted. "And I was at your place last weekend."

"Pretty sure Kim threatened you if you didn't come and we both know that Briony would skin you if you didn't show up for her big housewarming," Jared replied with a chuckle.

Though it had been a month or so, Paul could still see a hint of worry in his best friend's eyes. That even with all the progress he had been making, he might still be considering his plans. That all it would take was one bad day and Paul would revert to how he had been. Truthfully, Paul was a bit worried himself. But thankfully anytime his thoughts started going dark, he could pick up the phone and talk to Briony. Getting back into socializing was taking a bit longer, but he thought he was doing well, all things considering.

"I'm fine," Paul assured him. He glanced around nervously. "Still getting used to it, though."

"You've done a lot, Paul," Jared said, getting a bit serious for a moment. "Like I said… Briony and reconnecting. It's been good for you. And it takes time, we all know that. No one is going to push you into something you're not ready for."

Paul stared at him a moment and then cracked a smile. Even he couldn't deny it at this point. Briony had helped him.

"Is this where you say, 'I told you so'?" Paul asked. Jared chuckled and shook his head.

"You don't need it," Jared replied. "Where is Briony, by the way?"

"In the kitchen," Paul replied. Jared studied him, a sly smile appearing on his face.

Paul rolled his eyes and huffed. He had been expecting this. Though it wasn't as though Jared had been particularly hiding his thoughts on him and Briony. So far it was still the casual comment here and there, but Paul knew Jared was desperate to push him on it.

"We're just friends," Paul insisted. "You can't expect anything to happen there." Jared snorted.

"You already know everyone's just waiting for it," he replied. "Kim asks me about you two nearly every day."

Paul looked down at his beer, thinking it over. They never did talk about the kiss, but they didn't need to. There was a sort of unspoken agreement that they didn't need to because they weren't ready for _that._ Not yet.

Not to mention, there was the whole fact that he had already imprinted on someone else. True, Rachel was gone and there was no reason Paul couldn't move on to another relationship if he wanted. But part of him still felt as though that was it.

And no one had ever heard of someone imprinting twice. Sure, that didn't mean it wasn't impossible. But it didn't stop the weird feeling in the pit of Paul's stomach when he thought about it too much.

"Being serious for a moment… have you made a decision on that?" Jared asked, dropping his voice a bit so others couldn't hear them. "You and Briony?"

Paul looked up, meeting his eyes. Truth be told, he had been feeling something lately. Like something had changed between them (though thankfully it wasn't a big enough shift that anyone else in the pack had picked up on it when they phased). But he wasn't sure if he was ready to bring it up with her. Her husband had died less than a year ago, after all. And he was still getting over Rachel.

"I mean… maybe? But… I just don't think I'm ready for that. It's… weird. I mean, I went 10 years thinking that Rachel was it. She was my imprint. And now…" Paul stopped speaking and shrugged. He took a drink of his beer before he said more. "I still think that… that Rachel was it. The one. No more. And I don't think Briony's ready for that step yet, either. It hasn't been all that long for her, you know. Maybe she feels something similar about Brandon..."

Jared was silent a few moments, obviously thinking it over. He then met Paul's eyes again.

"Maybe it's time to stop thinking about all this imprinting business… I mean, there is still a lot we don't know about it, but regardless… I think… it's a good thing. I mean, so much of imprinting we have no control over. It just happens… choses for us. And don't get me wrong - I love Kim. I have no doubt in my mind I would have ended up with her, but… this time, you're in control. You get to choose," Jared finally said. "It's a bit harder in some aspects. I mean, we've all seen inside Sam's head - everything with Emily and Leah. If you do decide to eventually date Briony, you'll have to work more. But… I don't think that's a bad thing."

"It'll be different, that's for sure," Paul had to admit, finally giving in and allowing himself to consider the idea of a relationship with Briony.

And it was true. Briony and Rachel were different in a lot of ways. Briony, while she had gained more confidence as an adult, was still a bit more on the timid side. Rachel barged into everything, no fear at all. She was loud where Briony was often quiet.

But there were also some things they had in common. Both had that natural ability to calm him down. A warmth about them, as well as a strong sense of loyalty. Even after all these years apart, Briony still looked at him as one of her closest friends.

"Just think about it… there's a certain amount of freedom that you don't get with imprinting," Jared said. "No longer having to worry about if you're only together because of the imprint and all that."

"I never thought that with Rachel," Paul said immediately, causing Jared to snort.

"You did and you know it. Don't forget. I'm in your head," Jared said. "And that's fine. We all have at some point in time…"

Paul was silent, thinking it over. This was all true. But then again, there was one very big thing standing in his way.

"Okay, but what about what we are? Briony doesn't know… and I'm not sure how to tell her. If I should tell her… If we date… If it gets serious…"

Paul frowned as he looked towards the windows into the house. He could see her laughing at something either Tanya or Emily had said. She seemed so carefree and light. More and more so lately.

What would she do if Paul told her the truth about what he was? What he could do? Almost immediately, he felt as though she would accept it. That's just who Briony was. But another part of him worried that she wouldn't. That she might run. Be afraid of him. The last thing Paul wanted was for Briony to be afraid of him.

Something stirred in his chest. A feeling he thought that he would never feel again. Paul frowned and shook his head. Now was not the time to go down that road. But he couldn't help but think that maybe someday… it wouldn't be so bad.

"All I'm saying is… don't write it off. I know it's different. And scary. But you and Briony… you guys make sense," Jared said. Paul looked over at him. "When you're ready, that is. And we both know that Rachel would want you to be happy. The rest… you'll figure it out along the way. I'm sure Sam will let you tell her if it gets to that point."

"You think?" Paul asked, glancing over at the alpha.

"It's not like we've had anything like this before, but… he likes Briony. Trusts her. Especially after all she's done for you," Jared said. "Think we're all incredibly grateful for that."

Paul met Jared's eyes again.

"Really, Paul. You're doing good. It'll work out, whatever you decide," Jared continued. "Don't be afraid of it. Or feel guilty."

Paul couldn't help as a small smile tugged on his lips. Part of him nearly couldn't believe he was finally at this point. Where he finally felt happy again.

"Yea… I think you're right…"

* * *

"Okay, so you didn't tell me how hot Paul is," Tanya said before taking a drink from her wine.

Briony snorted and then laughed, but knew her cheeks were probably turning bright red. She could feel Emily watching her closely, a small smile on her lips.

"It's just… Paul," she said, focusing on finishing up the appetizer she was working on.

"Yes! THE Paul," Tanya gushed. "You fucking made him a character in your very successful book series. I've read them all and I've heard the actual stories from you. Do not try and tell me there is nothing going on there."

"There really isn't. We're just friends," Briony said. Though even as she said it, she couldn't help but wonder if perhaps it was something more.

They had been spending more time together. And lately, she had noticed a bit of a shift in their relationship. But at the same time, she wasn't sure if she was ready for that. She was fairly sure that Paul had noticed as well, but it had become an unspoken rule between them that they didn't mention it.

Not yet, anyway.

"You know… I think you two are cute together," Emily said.

Briony whipped her head around to look at her, eyes wide, as Tanya cackled.

"I… no… what?" Briony said, getting a bit flustered. She then looked back down at the food. "We're just friends. I mean, god, we've been friends for years. We just know each other really well-"

"Stop rambling and just admit it. You're falling for him. And no, you were almost a couple back when you were 15," Tanya pointed out. "You weren't _just friends_ back then."

"Really, I don't know what you're talking about," Briony said quickly. Tanya snorted. "Not about that, but… ugh."

She abandoned the food and fixed her best friend in a stern glare.

"Seriously, Tanya. I'm not ready for that," she said.

Immediately, Tanya's smile faded slightly.

"Shit. Sorry, Bri. I know, but… it's been almost 10 months now," she started. Briony just continued to glare at her. "Fuck… I shouldn't have said anything…"

Briony's glare softened. She knew that Tanya meant well. After how she had been in the months following Brandon's death, Tanya was just happy to see her happy. And no longer wallowing. Plus, it was her nature to get excited about these sorts of things.

"It's okay," Briony said, returning to her task.

"You know… Bran would be okay with it," Tanya said softly.

"I know, it's just… I mean, we're still getting to know each other again. And well… he's going through the same thing… losing Rachel," Briony said, though she glanced out through the windows, seeing Paul talking to Jared. "I'm not sure if he'll ever get to a point when he wants to move on… what they had… it was intense…"

"True. They were… Paul and Rachel were really good together. But, she's gone. And he's finally starting to accept that. In a lot of ways, thanks to you," Emily said gently, resting her hand on Briony's arm. She looked over at the older woman, who wore a warm smile. "We were all worried about him. But you were the one that broke through to him and brought him back. That means something. And not just to us. To him as well."

Briony looked back to the food, her brow furrowed. She wasn't sure how much of this she wanted to get into right now. Not with a house full of people and the person in question standing not so far away.

"To be honest… if this is all we ever are… I'm okay with that," Briony said. "We've helped each other out a lot. But that doesn't necessarily mean that we're… destined or something." She shot Tanya a look that had her best friend snapping her mouth shut before she could make some sort of comment on that. "And it takes time… moving to the next level. We're both still getting comfortable with each other again. I don't want to do or say something to ruin that."

"And it's completely understandable," Tanya said quickly.

"And I think it's a good move," Emily added. "But I also think that if you guys are open to it… someday there could be something else there and it would be good."

Briony looked over at her, smiling.

"Maybe…"

"So… how's the book?" Tanya asked, never one to be subtle with her subject changes. Briony chuckled.

"Good. Really good. Vivian is dying over it," she said. "And… she's sending over the contract next week on the movie deal."

Tanya's face lit up as she whooped and started dancing around the kitchen.

"Finally! I've been telling you to make the books into movies for years!" she shouted as Briony and Emily laughed.

"Well… figured it was time," Briony said with a shrug. "I think they even want to film it here."

"Really? Here?" Emily asked, her eyes widening. Briony nodded. "Kim is going to lose it. Famous actors in La Push. Mara nearly lost it when Embry told her that he was working on your house. Both of them are going to die."

"I'm not that famous," Briony shot back.

"Bri, we're in La Push. You're famous," Emily replied with a chuckle. "But honestly, none of that matters to me. I'm just happy you decided to stay."

A warmth began to fill Briony. It meant a lot to her that Emily had said that. While she felt comfortable here and knew from the day she arrived that she wanted to stay here permanently, she still occasionally worried about fitting in. She had been gone 12 years. Everyone she had known had moved on and lived entire lives without her. She had lived a life without them. Some days she wondered if things would get back to where they had been. But it seemed like they had. She was once again accepted by her friends - who she was starting to see as family - in La Push.

"Seriously… you're family now," Emily continued - almost as though she had read Briony's mind - as she slid an arm around Briony's waist and gave her a side hug. "Whether or not things go anywhere with Paul."

Briony looked over at Tanya, knowing she was likely feeling a certain way about Briony leaving LA, but her bright grin told her that she was making the right choice. And that Tanya was truly happy for her.

"This is where you need to be, Bri," Tanya said, reaching over and taking her hand, squeezing it. "Yes, I'll miss you. But that's what planes are for."

Briony looked back and forth between the two women a few times, feeling her eyes start to fill with tears. She then straightened up and quickly brushed her hands under them.

"Well… this food isn't going to serve itself. Grab that for me?" she said, nodding towards the other plates.

"Got it, Bri…" Tanya said.

The three women all grabbed plates and started towards the open door that let out to the deck, chatting about this and that.

Briony stepped out and stopped, the breeze gently ruffling her hair. There was something… a faint feeling in the pit of her stomach. Like a tiny fluttering. It was like nothing she had ever felt before. Her head turned as she looked through the people, her eyes finally meeting warm brown ones.

She found Paul staring back at her, his own eyes wide in surprise.

A deep affection coursed through her as she stared at her childhood friend and everything faded away. It was just the two of them, standing there. No one else.

She gasped softly, feeling as though something snapped into place and everything seemed to fall in sync. It was like that day on the beach when he finally told her his feelings for her and kissed her when they were 15, though it was stronger. More resolute.

But at the same time, it was slightly scary.

She tried to brush it off, telling herself that it was just all the talk earlier getting to her, but it was stubborn. For whatever reason, all Briony could think about was Paul. And how she wanted to be closer to him, not standing on the other side of the deck.

What was going on?

* * *

Paul closed his eyes as Briony's scent suddenly overwhelmed him. He took a deep breath, feeling a breeze blow over his face. He then looked over as he opened his, meeting her gaze as she stepped out onto the deck, her arms full of food.

A familiar feeling came over him. One that he thought he would never feel again.

His eyes widened in shock as he stared at her. Everything else faded away and it was as though they were the only two people in the universe. It made no sense. He had spent so much time around her. How was this happening? And how was it happening now?

But there wasn't a doubt in Paul's mind. He knew exactly what it was.

He had just imprinted on Briony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... that's the end... I've toyed with an epilogue or something where Paul explains imprinting and the wolves to Briony, but... this felt like the best way to end this story... An explanation would ultimately need more chapters or a completely new story.
> 
> Really, thank you to everyone for reading and following. This story started out as another way to deal with my grief, but it also was a way to break out of my "can't write" funk. And now I'm starting work on my original fiction again. And I really appreciate all the comments and love it's gotten.


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